Planned to spend equally on each kid, but first took a large scholarship...

[vballmom]

^ my husband's mother was the same, very sweet but insistent that her two sons be treated exactly the same, one couldn't have more than the other in anything, material, love, nurturing, encouragement, etc. This ignored the fact that the two brothers were very different, had different needs, hopes and aspirations. Now my husband just shakes his head at how off-track he believes this approach was.

[MomPhD]

So many parents have either savings for each kid, or somehow worked it so that each kid got to go to a first choice college despite unequal spends. Neither is the case in our family. Best laid savings plans were waylaid by parental illnesses and lost income.

Our first, who took the huge scholarship, turned down their first-choice, dream school, because the aid package was meager. But Child #1 definitely settled for the scholarship college--though it is an excellent place, it involved significant compromising on academic goals and campus culture. Maybe parental income will go up, health permitting, when second child goes to college. So we may be in a better position to afford more for #2. I am concerned that paying more for Child #2 to go to anywhere but state U will create issues between sibilings over the long run (Child #2 is a great kid but truthfully, does not work quite as hard, and Child #1 knows this). So I am telling #2 that scholarships will be needed to go anywhere but our unappealing state U, but at the same time feeling that #2 will lose out educationally. Is there any way out?

BTW in my family of origin, the one sibling who did not go to college (though parents would have paid) because she was a big partier/slacker in high school, actually went back to our parents 25 years later and asked for the amount spent on her sibling's college tuition. And they gave it!!! It must have been a point of jealousy for years.

[WendyMouse]

Is C1 really that much of a jealous type? Is c1 much older? Surely c1 understands that you paid what you could at the time and are proud of c1's accomplishments. I wouldn't imagine c1 becoming jealous of you two funding significantly more of c2's education unless c2 was the type who squanders parental resources and affection (we all know some like that).

[HImom]

Our parents never discussed finances with us other than to tell my brother he couldn't go to Stanford as a freshman (after he had been admitted) because it was too expensive (dad had just put in swimming pool & joined country club). Brother was unhappy but attended flagship U with the rest of us & reapplied & AGAIN got in for Stanford as 2nd semester sophomore. He told parents unlikely to get in a 3rd time, so they let him go. The rest of us attended flagship & applied to be exchange students at other OOS schools for a term or year. I got significant merit & financial aid & was allowed to graduate from the OOS school I had exchanged to. Us girls got a lot of merit aid (we all went to OOS publics for grad school) but the boys didn't when they went to grad school (one was at an OOS public & the other two went to price privates). Our parents gave us enough money for each of us to pay off any ed loans we had outstanding when we graduated from our respective undergrad & grad school.

To this day, I don't believe any of us feel we were treated unfairly and we are all grateful for the help and support our parents gave us. (Brother was miffed initially when our folks didn't allow him to enter Stanford as a freshman, but he was grateful they let him transfer there.) Our parents did pay different amounts for each of us, but we are all grateful we were able to get our undergrad degrees & whomever wanted grad school was able to get that as well.

[mom2and]

Not always easy. I have three, four years apart so the economic climate and cost for ds1 may be different than for ds3. My oldest took a partial scholarship at a top (not elite) private but still more expensive than State U.but less expensive than his top choice (although not much difference in quality between the two so sort of a no-brainer for us). He worked hard, but not as hard as he could have.

Middle one is unlikely to get much merit money due to lower grades and likely lower test scores. Money is tight, so not really an option for ds2 to go full pay private. However, even if it were possible would it be fair to spend MORE on the child that is less diligent as a student and not willing to put himself out there for more difficult classes. OTOH, not sure that he will really thrive at Big State U or at the more mediocore state colleges. Figuring out the right school for him - academically, socially and finanically - is going to be a challenge.

Youngest ds so far (still in middle school) is the most diligent of the three. He may (and it is still a long way away so who knows) have a shot at an elite school, esp as he is athletic as well. If we can swing it better at that time (last one, no more child care costs, no other kids to feed and clothe) is it fair to allow him to go full pay? Or should we limit him to the amount we spent on the others, even if he worked harder and is more likely to benefit from a top school. Most likely we won't have the money then either, but I have thought a bit about it.

I am of the one pot, only for college, otherwise it is MY money point of view. Each gets access to four years of college, with school selection based on their ability to get accepted and our ability to pay. I don't thiink of it as their money, any more than the money I spend on their food, shelter, camps and activities is theirs. That is not to say that if one kid choses a full-ride state U honors college, I might be inclined to buy him a car or give him a little money for grad school. However, most of it would likely go into our retirement account.

[delamer]

Fascinating topic. Our first son is starting college (next week!) and his younger brother is in high school. I haven't thought the whole subject through as yet.

In this case, I tend to go with "to each according to his needs" (despite being a capitalist!) like so many of the other parents. It seems clear to me that we have an obligation to make sure that when second son's time for college comes that we have enough money in the bank to at least pay for 4 years at our state flagship regardless of what we spend on his brother. We have also told first son that if he is thinking of grad or professional school that we are more likely to be able to help if his undergrad costs are on the lower side (as of now, he is going to a private school with a scholarship that makes the net cost about the same as our state flagship. But he is already making noises about going to a larger school, so who knows what's to come?).

[Mr Wonderful]

I had discussed this with my wife, but not with the two children. DD is on her way to an eastern school, though she has received some financial aid. DS is two years behind, and will also have high aspirations. We've been living modestly and trying to save, and should be able to make this work if a few things go right.

With that background, we try to keep in mind that we are providing an education, rather than a lump sum of money. DD knows that we planned to see her through he undergraduate studies, and that support for graduate school is a separate discussion and will be on different terms.