Planned to spend equally on each kid, but first took a large scholarship...

[MomPhD]

Our oldest accepted a large scholarship (we are really only paying for room cost). Now the next kid is applying, but less likely to get that level of scholarship--and merit funds are drying up anyway. So we may be spending for more Child#2 even at the lowest cost college option. We thought we'd be spending equally on college, to be fair. We are not wealthy, just middle class and getting by, and concerned about retirement like many out there. I also don't want Child #2 saddled with much debt; this kid's career interests are not high paying, so we'd rather pay as we go if possible. The older one is more likely to be a high earner, and probably won't need support for post grad plans.

Did you encounter this situation, and how did it play out with your kids? We want to avoid potential issues between kids.

[Northstarmom]

Sometimes equal is not fair. This is an example.

Kids will come up with issues for all sorts of reasons -- some valid, some not. You can't control that. You can do what you think is right according to your standards. You're the parents. You're in charge.

[PackMom]

We are a middle class family too. We saved enough over the years for both kids to go to an instate public.

S1 got a fullride to state u. He did have to use some of his funds to purchase a used truck (nine yrs old,not fancy) while in college. He graduated this spring (in 4 yrs) with a nice amt. unspent. It is his money.

S2 is full pay at state u. We have saved enough for four years (one down,three to go).
If he graduates on time, he may have a tiny amt. left in his acct. and will have no debt. If he takes longer, he will have to pay for anything beyond 4 years so he will have debt.
It is up to him. He knows the deal. He is not headed toward a lucrative field either.

S2 knows S1 will have more money as a result of the full-ride but is not resentlful. S1 did way better in h.s. to earn scholarships and decided to take on the repsonsibility of an ROTC scholarship and all it entails. S2 did not work as hard, took the easier path. They both knew from the middle sch. what the deal was with the college funds...which were always two seprate funds.
I think S2 feels pretty lucky to know he can grad. without debt. He doesn't begrudge his brother the extra money. He would not be willing to take the path his brother is on.

[soozievt]

We have also been into equal for the kids. But equal is not always the same exact cost. I see it as equal OPPORTUNITY. I have two kids. Also am middle class. We let each child go to any college she wanted. If one college gave better aid than the other, it made no difference. Both kids had the opportunity to attend the college of her choice. Both got equal amounts of money for things like allowance and clothing. One of my kids has chosen to attend a 3.5 year graduate school. The other will not be going to graduate school (did a professional undergraduate degree program). We are paying for the one to attend grad school. My other child just graduated college and now must support herself even though she is younger than the child we are paying to support through grad school. You may be thinking we are spending more on the older one as she has 3.5 years of grad school and the other one is now out on her own. But the way we see it is that both have the equal opportunity to attend grad school if she wished and we'd support either one as a student. When not a student, we don't support them. They were treated equally in this regard. Both had the same opportunities and it did not matter if one's opportunities cost more than the other as long as each got to do what she wished. The only times when the costs were equal were more for things like allowance, food, clothing.

[fredmar]

I have two children as well. We are middle class, used to harbor ambitions of being upper middle class, but times are tough. First daughter had a full tuition scholarship, and we paid for her room and board and some minimal spending money beyond her summer job earnings. Second daughter got a full ride, so beyond paying for the required computer, we will not have to give her much of anything. Does this mean she should get extras like vacation money or extra clothes that we did not provide for the first? We do what we can for each of them, based on their needs and desires, but I don't feel it has to be equal. I do find myself being more liberal with the second one, in terms of furnishings for her room, etc. as she has saved us so much money by getting the full ride. I suppose either of them might become resentful, but I don't think they will, both are openhearted towards each other.

[tango14]

Northstarmom is right, sometimes equal is not fair.

S1 didn't know what he wanted to do, changed majors 3 times, and took 5 1/2 years to graduate. We weren't willing to pay a lot because of that. He lived at home and benefited from a tuition break. We also paid room and board for 2 semesters of grad school (he had an assistantship).

We are paying very high tuition for S2, but he has worked hard since 8th grade to achieve his goals and did receive a merit scholarship. As I told S1, if he had shown that kind of hard work and commitment to an academic goal, we would have paid for him to do the same, and he acknowledges that.

[kayf]

Years ago, there was a heartbreaker story. Two kids, one accepted to UPenn, the other going to CC. The parents split the money fifty fifty, the son in CC lived in the lap of of luxury, the D accepted to Penn had to try to raise money privately. Dont know if she made it.

In the end, I suspect the parents did a disservice to both kids. The son was not incentivized to work harder, the D struggled.

[sabaray]

Our family is following along the lines of soozievt's. D has a stipend and we're paying nothing out of pocket; son has a work-study and we're paying substantially on top of that. D will go to grad school; S can't wait for "formal" education to be over. D had the opportunity to attend a school which would have meant costs equivalent to her brother; she opted not to attend and accept help from us when grad school rolled around to reduce her loan load. Fair is not always equivalent. I didn't have the wedding extravaganza that my sister did, but my parents helped me in other ways (law school). I still think I got the better end of that deal!

[NorthMinnesota]

We also have two Ds. D1 attends a private LAC, has a nice merit scholarship but we still have a nice portion to pay. D2 accepted athletic and academic scholarships which covers everything at an OOS public. We have saved enough to pay full cost for both girls but D1 will have a small amount left and D2 will have everything left. Neither knows how much is actually saved but they are aware that out of pocket expenses are more for D1. Whatever is left will be given to them for wedding or grad school expenses.

[pugmadkate]

I'm not clear why children would think they are entitled to their parents money, let alone entitled to dictate how that money is distributed.

I think that adult children wind up with issues over their parents money when two things happen. First, they were raised to believe that they were entitled to their parents money and, second, the parents are secretive about money.

Personally, I would remind both children that they are adults and any money we are giving them is a gift. Then I would simply explain that the parental contribution for both to have equal opprotunities in college will be different. If anyone is unhappy, they are free to reject parenting funding altogether.

[SmithieandProud]

I doubt it would cause tension between your kids, at least it didn't cause tension between my brother and I.

I was the more academically minded and I wanted to go to a private LAC, he wanted to go to a much less expensive out of state public university so he could get through as quickly as possible and start his career. My parents agreed to help each of us through undergrad even though our situations were very different, and thus they ended up spending a lot more on me (not only was tuition more, but so was airfare, room and board, books, etc.).

This didn't cause any tension between us though, because we've always been different in our approach to academics and our goals for college. Plus, since he went to the cheaper school, he has savings left over for graduate school or for investing in his own business or for a house or what have you. While I on the other hand, spent every nickel of my savings. That means when I go to grad school it will be on my own dime, but thanks to my parents help I won't be saddled with both undergraduate AND graduate school debt. And I got to go to the school of my dreams (thanks mom and dad!)

Basically, if you are able and willing to help your kid, then help them. If you want to balance things, you might offer to help Kid #1 with graduate school while telling Kid #2 they'll have to foot a graduate school bid on their own because you bore more of their undergrad costs. At any rate, I don't think you need to worry about it causing tension with your kids as much as putting stress on your own finances.

[soozievt]

I don't quite get the concept of having a money pot for each child and if one's school costs less than the other's, that that child gets the left over money. My kids, for example, both had equal opportunities to go to summer programs every summer. If one child's summer program costs $1000 more than the other child's, the other child did not get to pocket the difference. What was EQUAL was that both got to go away for summer programs of equal quality and length of their own choosing.

I consider that we have treated each child equally from day one. I really care about equal treatment in fact. But adding up the dollar amount is not what makes it equal. Both got to do any EC activities she wanted. Both got to go to any college she wanted. And if either wanted grad school, they got that too. I did not add up that one school may have cost a little more than the other or not. Both got to go to her first choice. When it came down to other sorts of things, yes, they got an equal amount of money such as their clothing allowance. But if one school costs more or one camp costs more, I didn't then give the difference in money to the other kid. Both got to do the same opportunities.

[NewHope33]

We expect our kids to take ownership of what they control. So when they were HS freshmen (freshwomen?) we told them we would pay for state flagship and that they'd need exceptional grades/scores (and scholarships obviously) if they wanted to go somewhere else. That worked for us ... and failed miserably for several friends who tried the same thing. Sigh. My point is that every family is different. You do the best you can and try not to worry about inequities (which are a part of life).

[mythmom]

My philosophy is the same as Soozievt's. It's one pot. Each gets what s/he needs. We have spent more money of S because of extensive music lessons and trips to Europe to study violin/viola master classes.

D has not be resentful at all. Her school costs more money because S got himself into a no loans/meets 100% of need situation.

D will choose a very expensive wedding gown I'm sure, because she is a clothes horse, but has said she'd pay for her own wedding. I am meeting half the expenses for a Masters in England because it's all I can afford. She later wants law school. I'll help as I can.

Both scrimp to help the other. Neither begrudges the other anything. S just got a car (ten year old, 130,000 discard of mine) but D hates to drive.

"From each according to his ability; to each according to his need."

Each has bonds from babyhood. S has forfeited his so D can go to London next year.

We all love each other and are very invested in each family member's success.

[frazzled1]

I like what soozie says about equal opportunity. Three kids here - we decided we'd do our best to be fair without getting too caught up in the dollar amount. They knew there was a maximum amount we could afford each year, about the cost of a good OOS public school. If they wanted a private school, they knew they'd have to cover the additional cost through merit aid. The oldest and youngest each opted for the OOS public (though the cost has almost doubled between d1 and d3, our earnings have also increased).

The middle child decided to accept a 3/4 tuition scholarship at a private school, which decreased our anticipated costs appreciably. She was able to do a summer study program, two unpaid internships, and some travel programs while in school - we paid for these out of money we had expected to use for her college costs. No envy from her sisters - each of them turned down some nice merit money to attend the full cost (OOS public) school.

I think the tricky part comes when one child has a strong interest in a major that's only offered at more expensive schools (MT comes to mind).