How is your Freshman adjusting? - Page 4

LasMa · 09-01-2009, 02:31 AM

oh sk8trmom, I'm so glad to hear someone else is in the same boat! My D is so homesick she isn't even thinking rationally. She's convinced that every single freshman except her has a zillion friends, and that every person on campus KNOWS what a loser she is. Like yours, she refuses to access any of the myriad of resources that could help her. She sees only one solution to her misery, and that is to flee. We also made the one-semester deal; it seemed the only thing we could do as she clung hysterically to us when we were leaving.

Other than classes and studying (at least she IS going to class and studying) it appears she spends most of her time in her room, texting, facebooking, and Skype-ing her friends back home, which of course only makes her more unwilling to look around at her college peers for companionship, and no doubt is off-putting to anyone who might want to befriend her. My advice for making friends and my urgings to talk to someone fall on deaf ears. "No Mom, I don't WANT to make friends, why would I talk to my RA/advisor/mentor? I'm leaving in December anyway, so what's the point?"

I'm just baffled; she was head over heels in love with the place, right up until the first day of orientation. Since then, she loathes it. This still seems to me like the perfect school for her if she could just get over this initial hurdle. But it is truly heartbreaking; for so many years, she's eagerly anticipated this. It was her dream, and now it's looking an awful lot like a pile of dust.

LasMa · 09-01-2009, 02:46 AM

sk8trmom: Let me clarify! I am NOT glad that your D is having a rough time. How I wish that both of our Ds were off to a better start!

I only meant that everywhere I look, freshman parents are speaking of kids who seem happy, are adjusting well, making friends, liking classes, or at least moving in that direction. ALL of D's friends say similar things themselves. As days go by, our experience diverges farther and farther from everyone else we know, and it hurts. I guess I leapt at your post just because finally I've found one other person who's not having a great start to college. How insensitive of me, and I apologize. For your sake, I wish I WERE the only one, cause this is no fun at all.

galwaymom · 09-01-2009, 08:03 AM

My heart goes out to the unhappy kids and moms, and I hope they adjust soon, especially LasMa's and Sk8trmom- most of the comments on freshman adjustment that I have read over the years on CC suggests having them stick it out, so best of luck on that to them! Keep us posted.

Update on my ill son, thanks to those who asked- he started eating solid food 3 days ago, slowly increasing it and he has been better with the new meds his GI doc here called in. The health center is great. I have gotten no calls from s, and his response to my inquiries are his normal one words "better" "OK", etc. I will wait for him to contact me now. He has an appointment soon at U. Chicago with his new specialist, and will be taking a 2 hour bus ride to get there! That specialist will coordinate with the local hospital in Sout Bend to give him his ongoing IV med. infusion this month, earlier than the scheduled one back home here on his October break.

I have no idea if his roomate even knows, let alone anyone else except the health center since he has made it to most of his classes. His stoicism is remarkable to me, and actually makes it easier for me! I just keep praying.

ebeeeee · 09-01-2009, 08:34 AM

galwaymom, glad to hear the update and that things are going a bit better health wise for your son.
sl8rmom and lasma I'm so sorry. I was worried mine would be that way and I know she is probably homesick but she has been keeping her chin up and plowing through (so far).
I don't know what would help either of them at this point but I do want to let you know that you should definitely get both of them to stick out the semester. A friend's daughter left school partway through her first semester. She did not go through the formal withdrawl process, just kind of walked away. It will now impact her for future college studies.
Make sure they either finish the first semester in good standing or go through the formal withdrawl for medical or personal reasons process.

JustAMomOf4 · 09-01-2009, 09:02 AM

Here is a timely article on letting go and adjusting:
College kids? parents grapple with letting go - The Elkhart Project- msnbc.com

sk8rmom and LasMa - good luck to your offsprings. The odds are good they will adjust, hang in there.

my-3-sons · 09-01-2009, 09:31 AM

Sk8trmom-Instead of bringing her home for the weekend, is there any way you could go to her and get a hotel room? She could see you and get some rest, but you could also help her explore the campus and area, figure out the rink schedule, and re-realize all the reasons she chose the school. Just a thought.

LasMa-Keep up the cheerleading, it takes time and even though right now she is rejecting all your suggestions, she is hearing them.

LasMa · 09-01-2009, 09:31 AM

Thanks ebeeee, I hadn't even thought about the formal end. (

) My D has promised to finish the semester, although the tale will be told by mid-November when she must register for spring. Her options if she withdraws are limited to our local CSU; that's all we can afford if she walks away from the fabulous financial aid package she has now.

historymom · 09-01-2009, 09:45 AM

lasMa and Sk8er if it isn't too late and I sure hope it isn't...I would encourage you to ship your DDs a copy of The Naked Roommate. I don't know if it will help but he has a section devoted to exactly what you both are describing with your daughters. He is funny, and gives clear headed easy to follow advice and if your DDs are anything like mine having someone who ISN'T you giving the advice makes a world of difference.

Best wishes I hope things begin to improve.

ebeeeee · 09-01-2009, 10:20 AM

my three sons good thinking! I would definitely opt for that plan if it is possible.

Centh · 09-01-2009, 10:39 AM

DS seems to be going thru the normal transition stress. He gets along with his roommate and reports talking with a few other people (doesn't classify them as friends yet). He chats online with me (probably more private in his dorm room than talking). So this thread has been very reassuring to me, because I think he's somewhere in between. He's adjusting and taking care of things and getting stuff done he needs to do, but he doesn't seem to be happy with the college experience at the moment. I'm taking the "one day at a time" position with him and I think he'll be okay after he gets the routine down. He just started classes yesterday so every day is new stress and change and he's a very structured kid, so that drives him a little crazy. And I look forward to the day when he reports he has a "friend" because he's always been an introvert and only needs a few friends but he really does need someone he can just hang out with.

aliasforparent · 09-01-2009, 01:09 PM

khsstitiches, ilovetoquiltl, momof3boys and midwestertmom thanks so much for your ideas!! Now I feel that I'll be able to plan something nice for my D Bday.

I was wondering what is the right balance between our D or S adjusting and making new friends and skype chatting with their HS friends. I guess they are adjusting, and it's a transition period. But, what is the right balance? I guess I don't want my D too spend too much time on skype chatting/texting/etc., because it would take precious time to meet new friends. At this point, I really don't know how much time she's spending online with old HS friends. She seems to be making friends. But What are your thoughts about the right balance btwn online HS friend vs new college friends?

momofthreeboys · 09-01-2009, 01:57 PM

Quote:

But What are your thoughts about the right balance btwn online HS friend vs new college friends?

As the weeks and months go by the kids are more involved in their "new friends" and/or "new town" and the old friends and new friends drift alittle apart since the old friends don't know the new friends etc. In the very early days they are, of course, relaying to the people with the cloest, longest connection everything that is happening to them but I think that is pretty normal until "new" best friendships develop. My son had a "tight" group and they still ,three years out of high school, enjoy seeing each other when they are all "home" at the same time,and they still call/text each other...just not as often as the early days of freshman year. Personally I think e-mail/facebook/skype/text actually enables kids to maintain friendships whereas decades ago if you didn't write a letter, buy a stamp, put in a mailbox it was easy to loose touch with friends.

TheAnalyst · 09-01-2009, 02:32 PM

I just got an email saying S2 had been assigned more homework that is due in 24 hours than he was given in all four years of high school. We knew that was coming, since this was not a child who put any pressure on himself in high school. Anyway, after the rant he concludes that he thinks he is doing well in his classes so far (in his second week). Let's hope that continues so he doesn't get too discouraged.

Shrinkrap · 09-01-2009, 02:35 PM

LasMa and sk8rmom, FWIW, my D also had a tough go at first last year, but she seems fine now. I say SEEMS fine because she didn't let me know how miserable she was that first semester ( "didn't want to be a downer"), and I did not know how bad things were until she was home for Christmas. I think it's great that your kids are communicating with you, and that you are being thoughtful in your responses.

gosmom · 09-01-2009, 03:00 PM

Galwaymom....glad your S is better. FWIW, Health Center (St. Liams) was superb when D ended up there twice & overnight last Dec (a week before finals). Nurses & Doctor kept me informed when D was almost admitted to South Bend hospital. When D spent night at HC, her counselor and all teachers were automatically informed--one less thing for D to stress about. Also Rector called...reassuring me, since I was panicked, being 2000 miles away from my ill first born, debating the plane flight.
Just a thought, but could the specialist coordinate with the HC for your S's ongoing IV med. infusion? It would be more convenient for your S.....