Am I out of line saying no to my D (re: service learning in Calcutta)?

[fireandrain]

I probably would have freaked out too.

This is not an analogous story, but my reaction was similar: at the end of my daughter's junior year in high school she announced she wanted to do a three-week long trip to Thailand in November of her senior year. I said no -- she stormed out of the room yelling "I hate you" (first and last time she's ever said that to me). But there was no way I was going to let her miss 3 weeks of school and college application time in November of her senior year.

In the end the trip never happened (because just about every parent said no). And in November of her senior year, she said she understood my reaction, and was very grateful not to have done the trip.

But a high school senior and a college junior are very different beasts.

Is the Calcutta experience for credit? Seems to me like she should be able to do both -- take a semester off to be in Calcutta, and go to Oxford for academics. I would encourage her to still apply to the Oxford program, just in case.

I know this is much easier for me to say than you to do -- but the more you say no, the more she will want to do it. Accept it, give her alternatives, explain the negatives, encourage her to keep her options open. And refusing to pay is certainly legitimate.

[researching4emb]

My cousin went to help at Mother Theresa's, either late in her college career or just after. This was about five years ago, and everything was safe, and she got through it just fine, and of course it was a hugely influential experience. She then went on to spend several months traveling Central America with her boyfriend. She's also an only child, and it wasn't easy for my uncle (really more like my brother) to let her go, but he did. She came back, got her masters' degree, and is thriving as a special ed teacher.

18 is young, I understand your concern. But she is obviously not your ordinary 18-year-old.

[LongPrime]

I would strongly urge your D to get her own personal insurances and not to rely on either the school's or your employer's group programs for both life and health insurances.

If your D should contract a dreaded disease or illness overseas (really anywhere) while on school's or your insurance, she may be insured now but on graduation she may not be eligible for insurance, or pay a very high price for the insurance, or limited in her employment possibilities.

We can relate to your worries.

[kantianethicist]

oh my, LongPrime, I was feeling slightly better, but I think I will never sleep again after that post...

[qialah]

LOL! Her chances of being hit by a bus in Oxford are probably about as good as contracting a fatal illness overseas.

I think you should be very proud of your D. Am I understanding that she wants to delay grad school at Oxford to take time off in India?

Personally, I'd totally finance one year in India. Calcutta, while far, is hardly the middle of nowhere these days. Get Skype. Get insurance. Go visit. She'll have a fabulous year.

[LongPrime]

May be you can present the issue of risk insurance to your D, so that she can put a future value of her intentions.

As your name says...---ethicist; It wouldn't be ethical to not understand the risks.

We never gave DS a choice in the insurance options. DS spent 4 months in India, in a protected environment. He enjoyed it.

[calmom]

Kantian, when my d. went to Delhi, I insisted that she see a travel doctor (rather than the college health center) to arrange for appropriate vaccinations and prescriptions. (More expensive that way -- I paid for the medical visits, shots & prescriptions out of pocket -- outside the college plan, we have high deductible policies so there was no point running it through insurance for us).

My daughter was fine. She was on an anti-malarial while in India, and I read all sorts of scare stories about larium, but she didn't have any negative side effects. She did have a prescription for antibiotics with her, but I don't know whether she had to use them. She had the expected "Delhi belly" the first week or so, was fine after that. No exotic diseases or anything.

I do think there's a risk, but life is full of risks. Our kids could get swine flu right here at home. So while I think it is important to plan appropriately, I don't think that it makkese sense to obsess over the health issues. Yes -- people staying in India can be exposed to diseases that might make them seriously ill-- but most travelers don't contract exotic diseases.

My d's first trip abroad was with a foreign exchange while she was still in high school. She was a newly licensed driver, but wasn't allowed to drive while abroad because of the rules set by the foreign exchange, and probably wouldn't have an opportunity in any case. I realized then that as much as I worried, she was probably at greater risk at home behind the wheel on our local freeways than living abroad.

[kantianethicist]

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I have a lot of research to do and a lot of thinking to do. If she really wants to do a gap year (or even a semester) she will have to find a suitable program that we can both agree on. And all of the practicals/costs will have to be doable. I still don't know if this is the right program for her. We spoke briefly late last night and cleared the air. In any case, she now understands all of the risks/variables that she has to mitigate for me before I sign off on anything like this. I am calmer, but still have that nervous feeling inside. I hope I can keep it together! Thanks again.

[boysx3]

OP,
You might want to PM the poster who goes by the name Mini.

he has "family" in India and his own daughters have done extensive volunteer work there. he would be a wonderful resource for you and your daughter.

[vicariousparent]

I second that suggestion. mini may also be able to point your D to some other opportunities in India.

[emeraldkity4]

That does seem a long time, particularly if she is not able to have any time to travel around the country.
Many organizations there which are set up to use long and short term volunteers.
Mother Teresa

My 18 yr old daughter took a year off after high school graduation to earn money for her airfare ( which is the largest expense), to volunteer in Tamil Nadu/Kerala earlier this year.
Asha for Education: Bringing hope through education
She absolutely loved her time there, although she also took a month off to travel through Goa, and weekends she traveled with other volunteers through Mumbai(Bombay),Chennai, Kolkata ( Calcutta) and other places that I can't spell.

My D was able to get most of the shots through the local travel clinic, although she had already had half of them for her previous years trip to Africa. ( she also had to get Japanese Encephalitis, since she was spending some time working on a farm)

Best plan for cell phone is skype or buy a phone there- very inexpensive.

I agree if your daughter is going to be there for a whole year- go visit- it will make you feel better.


Mini is assoc with the couple that runs this org.

LAFTI is based on the Gandhian idea of equitable land distribution as a basis for rural economic development. Located in the village of Kuthur, LAFTI serves hundreds of village communities throughout the Nagapattinam and Thiruvarur districts in the state of Tamil Nadu.

http://www.lafti.net/

[QuasiProfound]

In case this helps, I live in Calcutta - Kolkata now! - and it's one of the safer urban places in India.

[Jolynne Smyth]

kantianethicist--no advice here, just admiration for your daughter! That's something I had wanted to do since I was 12 years old. Haven't done it yet. Kudos to her for seeking such a worthwhile dream! Definitely hard to be the mom in that situation though...good luck!

[pugmadkate]

...I have a lot of research to do and a lot of thinking to do. If she really wants to do a gap year (or even a semester) she will have to find a suitable program that we can both agree on. And all of the practicals/costs will have to be doable...

This sounds like a great plan.

My son wants to save the world and I absolutely love that part of him. But we have made a decision similiar to yours.

We've also discussed with our son how when an adult is driven to do something, they find a way to do it and that does not include asking parents to foot the bill. Rights come with responsibilities and all of that. I truly believe that the one way we'll know he's really ready to do something out of our comfort zone will be when he's mature enough to plan and pay for it himself. At that point, he'll have our full emotional support and he'll have the pride of having made it all happen.

Best of luck to you and your wonderful child.

[cptofthehouse]

You don't have to pay for anything you really don't want to support. As a rule, I don't pay for community service unless is really has place in the kid's plans. It's not a hard and fast rule, but a general one. I have limited funds for education, and there is so much comm svc that can be done here without spending thousands in air fare and living costs.

My good friend's son wanted to work as a volunteer for some AIDS hospice group in San FRancisco before going on to med school. The parents said, good for you, but we are not paying for this. Just not something we want to invest our education funds in.

But then we are also not paying for luxury trips to Europe, safaris, a summer abroad, type of things either. It is hypocritical to pay for a tourist trip to India that ranges in the thousands of dollars but refuse to pay for a community service experience there that a student would rather do. Education money is for education, not for comm svc expenditures in our family. As I said earlier, compelling circumstances might change that stance but for the most part, that is the way it is in this household.