Am I out of line saying no to my D (re: service learning in Calcutta)?

[pugmadkate]

I have limited funds for education, and there is so much comm svc that can be done here without spending thousands in air fare and living costs...

Well said.

[beawinner]

I would probably freak out as well (because that's a knee jerk reaction), but not for long. Having done a bit of travel to 3rd world countries, I have to say, it's not as bad as the media likes to depict. Of course, precautions must be taken just like we take here even in the safest of areas. You should be very proud of your daughter first and foremost. I would be if she were mine. Yet there should be agreements between the both of you as to frequency of contact, etc. and you should educate yourself as much as possible about the program she would work with and then maybe even plan a visit after a few months. The best time to visit India would be probably Oct through Feb. Also, I've begun to realize that this generation we have raised is going to be different in positive ways as well as negative ways, and one of the most outstanding positive ways is how they are taking empathy and compassion on the same way we took on the pursuit of material comforts and pleasure.

[Pizzagirl]

It might be worthwhile thinking about what parts of the world you would be comfortable sending her to, just to test your own thinking / boundaries. Would you let her go to Israel, for example, if she were studying something there? South Africa? etc.

[LongPrime]

Originally Posted by 18, 20

LOL! Her chances of being hit by a bus in Oxford are probably about as good as contracting a fatal illness overseas.

Anecdotal to you but real to us:
DS told us that crossing the street in front of Microsoft Research-Bangalore, was taking a, "Big Risk" on your life.

When DS was attending CMU. A Chinese foreign, grad student was hit by a another bus and killed when she got off of her bus, on Forbes Ave.

We insisted that this year, DS will take Amtrak from Seattle to PDX, on the Thanksgiving Break. (his first time home for THXday in 7 years) Traffic on I-5, is always horrendously tight.

[cryingcloud]

Having worked at a Mother Teresa home in Calcutta myself, I thought I'd weigh in.

I spent six weeks this summer working at Shishu Bhavan (I taught school), the children's orphanage. Admittedly, it was not my first time in Calcutta and I had family there as well as private transportation, so it's not really a similar comparison. I can certainly understand your fears about the city itself; it's a natural reaction. I spend summers there, though - it's a relatively safe city (especially compared to some here in the US!) and there's plenty of safe accomodation specifically for foreigners. The city itself does present a "harsh reality" in that it's extremely poverty-stricken and a drive through the city yields views of slums and seeing people in rags sleeping on the streets isn't uncommon. It can be difficult to see and certainly requires emotional maturity on the part of a foreign visitor.

I will say, though, that the Mother Teresa organization is extremely professional and organized and is a very safe environment for foreigners. I worked with several Europeans and a few American girls while I was there - the majority of whom were traveling alone or with a friend. The homes I visited were all well maintained and clean and all were bustling with volunteers. For me, it was a truly inspiring experience. If your daughter likes working with children, Shishu Bhavan is a wonderful place to work. It houses both healthy and special-needs children, though none are diseased. It might be a compromise (as opposed to the home of the Dying) if she eventually goes.

I would be happy to answer any other questions you or your daughter might have about the Mother Teresa Sisters of Charity in Calcutta. I would unequivocally reccommend the experience if she could defer her studies at Oxford for a semester. It's a fantastic opportunity and she certainly wouldn't be alone.

I'm a high school sophomore, by the way - I volunteered (at my mom's suggestion!) during the summer between my freshman and sophomore years. Kudos to your daughter for wanting to do such a wonderful thing

[Jolynne Smyth]

Wow, cryingcloud, very impressed! And, as a HS sophmore! I hope my daughter (8) has those same feelings of compassion when she is your age!

[mythmom]

Dearest OP: We all have dreams like this, what we want for our children, what we're afraid of. Nothing to apologize for. We are all flawed. Well, I'll speak for myself, I am flawed.

I would, however, let her go.

May I also tell some anecdotes.

First: When S was in high school they were planning the trip for Latin students to Rome. The Latin teacher was a very accomplished woman, with a PhD, who loved taking kids to Rome.

The Rome trip happened only once every three years (one year, Paris, on year Madrid or Barcelona, one year Rome.)

DS was a freshman, and a young one at that. He was barely 14 when they were going.

I didn't want to let him. He's be the youngest on the trip, which ranged all the way to 18+ year olds (kids who had entered school late for whatever reason and turned 18 their senior years.)

I spoke to Dr. B and said, "Isn't a 14 year old too young?" She said, "No, and particularly not your son who is going to get more out of the trip than anyone else."

I had two choices: yes or no. I wanted more, like to make him older, to go myself, oh a variety of things.

She promised she wouldn't let them walk around Rome themselves, but I didn't really believe her. I tried to.

I let him go. He was barely 5' tall.

One day the kids wanted to go shopping. DS and his best friend, another frosh, weren't interested in shopping. They were given permission to go back to the Forum on their own. (So much for Dr. B's promise.)

DS had such a head for directions and memorizing the forum that he spent the day giving tours to American tourists. He earned some handsome tips. I kid you not.

Now, he is a junior at Williams and a classics major. Dr. B retired, and that was the last year they had the trip.

The other story is this. It occurred the same year. We live very near Stony Brook U, which is where DS took is violin lessons with grad students. It was the first night with a new teacher. He was sitting next to me. I was driving. Here I am not being perfect. I ran a stop sign. I absolutely did not see it, I am embarrassed to say. The car at the other corner also had a stop sign. Instead of waiting for me to stop, she thought it was her turn (it was) and she plowed right into me.

She hit the door behind DS. It still doesn't close completely right. Car needed $7K in body work. If she had started a nanosecond sooner she would have hit DS. Who knows if he's still be playing violin? And his violin escaped injury, too.

But I saw that even next to me, with me trying with all my might to protect him, something bad could have happened to him.

That made me convinced that I must let my kids have their lives, because even right next to me bad things can happen.

Many people didn't think I should have let DD go to college in NYC after 9/11. I thought that was ridiculous. And yes, I did have to deal with her walking on Broadway by herself at 2 in the morning.

Good luck with your decision, but I would let her go.

Her life may take a wonderful and expected turn from the experience.

PS: I was kind of annoyed with DS for not taking the opportunity to go to the Williams/Oxford program. They have their own "house" at Oxford and it's practically automatic admission. But he decided against it.

[twomules]

The University of Minnesota has a program in India focusing on issues in aid and development. Perhaps you could get her to go on this type of program to learn to focus on the academic issues surrounding aid, growing grass root organizations, and the larger issues regarding society. The program has an experiential aspect that involves working an internship.

MSID Program in India

[fogfog]

Dear OP

If there is time to give your DD's proposal to go to Calcutta some time to consider and weigh it, you should both do that. It will be a wonderful and life changing experience. It sounds like your DD may have many wondeful qualities and talents inside her and the chance to use them in that way would be amazing.

I should say here--my parents and my inlaws completely FLIPPED OUT when my husband and I (with our children) left for overseas work...and we are married adults!

We have been back and forth several times ---to Ukraine, parts of north africa, and moved overseas for a year (our children went to the local schools). Each time my husband closed his architecture practice...

That said, this may or may not be the right move, and she should consider what is inspiring her and why she feels its the right time and place. Since she has been so responsible to date, give her a chance to really share her heart and mind. Be open minded and put aside your own fears or your dream/agenda for her life. She should consider not only her plan to go but also her re-entry plan back into whatever academic stream she may choose to follow. She may take a different course once she gets there, but best to count the cost first.

Deep breaths. Open heart. Listen.

Wishing you and your family well.

[bluealien01]

kantia, does your daughter have a way of saving up enough money on her own to go?
How expensive is this service experience?

Also, as a side note, there are other volunteer opportunities out there that maybe you would think are safer or more acceptable. Since your daughter like working with kids, maybe she can teach english abroad at a school. There are plenty of programs like that.