Am I out of line saying no to my D (re: service learning in Calcutta)?

kantianethicist · 10-25-2009, 07:03 PM

So, I'll stipulate that I am a flawed person/parent--but, I wonder if I am so terribly out of line???

I had a meltdown a few days ago...

When my daughter told me she no longer wanted to go to Oxford next year to study philosophy (she is currently a soph double majoring in philosophy/economics and planning on law school.) She is one of the top students in philosophy at her top school and has top grades and really superior recs from profs and was pretty certain she would be accepted. She had been planning this since even before she went to college. (Her plan, by the way, not mine.)

Now instead, she told me she wants to go to Calcutta to serve at Mother Teresa's Home for the Destitute and Dying. And yes, I completely freaked out.

Now, my D has always volunteered with children and over the years I have driven her to some pretty "bad" neighborhoods (which I was not always so crazy about but I did it because it was important to her.) She didn't just volunteer because it was required--she's a genuinely "good" and empathic person--which she did not inherit from me, obviously. She loves kids and is very good with them. I think they respond to her own innate goodness and innocence. Her bedroom wall is covered with drawings and notes from kids she has worked with. She is currently volunteering with a tutoring program in Cambridge, MA. (I had to beg her to stay out of Dorchester.)

Even though I understand that this is something that is central to her nature, I feel like I have to draw the line at this point. I told her I would not subsidize her trip to Calcutta.

I guess since she is my only child I am, admittedly, a bit overprotective. However, I sent her away and always tell her she can make her own decisions. She is doing very well on her own--acting responsibly, succeeding academically, has a job, volunteers, runs a campus organization, etc. But when she dropped this on me I kind of lost it. I think I am primarily worried about her safety and health, but also how holding sick and dying children may affect her emotional well-being. I guess I think she is a bit naive and that she is not experienced enough to face this kind of harsh reality yet. She had a few reasonable counter-arguments, but I couldn't even wrap my head around the fact that this was what she seriously intended.

I feel a little bit crazy and shaky after the fight we had over it, too. Am I completely wrong about saying no to this? Do I even have the right? I feel that she is still so young--she is only 18. Any advice would be helpful in sorting this out...

stradmom · 10-25-2009, 07:07 PM

I'm as not-perfect as they come. To me, Oxford "feels" safer than Calcutta, and my first instinct would probably be the same as yours.

At the same time, it sounds like there would be greater opportunity for personal growth and self-knowledge with the Calcutta experience. Would she be going with an organized group or on her own? Has she shared her reasons for selecting this option?

ReadyToRoll · 10-25-2009, 07:16 PM

Wow, you daughter sounds like an amazing and special person. Since she is your only, you may not even realize how amazing she is. (Also, just to clarify, she's 18 and a sophomore in college?)

I would let her go to Calcutta. She probably will do great things someday.

And you know, of course, that Oxford will certainly take her in a heartbeat when she returns, don't you?

kantianethicist · 10-25-2009, 07:17 PM

It's not an "approved" program--no group from her school. She'd be on her own. I had read (some time ago) an article about bad study abroad experiences and India had the most tales of woe, and I had told her that I wanted her to stick to approved programs where I know she would have some supervision, etc.

Why? Why this? To drive me insane? No, probably because she's looking to help kids with the "most" need. Though, I suppose I don't understand where the "help" comes in. These kids are dying and they don't speak English. So, I don't really know how much help she could be to them.

kantianethicist · 10-25-2009, 07:19 PM

Yes 18 and a soph in college--attended a school for the gifted--so she is a bit younger.

oldfort · 10-25-2009, 07:24 PM

I would calm down first, take a few deep breath, it's never good to say things out of anger. This is a good place to come to. I think I would have freaked out if I was in your place too. After you are able to speak in a more reasonable way, ask her if she would consider doing it later. Why now? Find out more about what she would be doing - who, where how... If after you have all the information, and you still feel uncomfortable about it, let her know why. You have every right not to pay for anything you don't want to. You are not a terrible parent for feeling this way. We get protective when we sense danger for our child. You are just reacting to your parental instinct.

hmom5 · 10-25-2009, 07:24 PM

At some point you have to let go, not share your fears and let them follow their own path. If it's a financial issue, you are certainly well within acceptable parameters to tell her she needs to fund it, but I would not stop her based on your fears or what you think her priorities should be.

calmom · 10-25-2009, 07:34 PM

My daughter arranged an internship with a human rights agency in New Delhi, which ended up with her living on her own miles from the offices where she worked. It was scary for me but I didn't have a say in it -- it was her decision. She was age 20. She paid her own expenses -- though I did pay for her return airfare.

So the answer is -- it can be ok and certainly it was a wonderful, & challenging, experience. I was in fairly regular contact with my d. via internet.

If you can afford it, a blackberry with an international plan is a worthwhile investment for a nervous parent and globe-trotting kid --my d. didn't have that in India but she did have it in subsequent travels. In India she purchased a local cell phone and I used phone cards so I could call her from my landline for lower rates.

From the way I read your post, you didn't veto the trip, you just are not willing to fund it. I personally don't see any obligation whatsoever for parents to fund international travel for their adult offspring -- even teenagers often work or fundraise for travel. So those really are two different issues: (1) Will you "allow" it? , and (2) Will you fund it?

The answer to #2 is that you should only fund those things in your adult kid's life that YOU want to fund. Your money, you get to spend it how you wish. The sooner the kid gets the idea that mom is not a no-obligation ATM machine, the sooner the kid will develop the resourcefulness necessary to live an independent life and fund the things that are truly important to her on her own.

Your daughter sounds very capable and exceptionally smart -- I'm sure that if she really wants to go, she can figure out the money part on her own.

vicariousparent · 10-25-2009, 07:38 PM

Quote:

to Calcutta to serve at Mother Teresa's Home for the Destitute and Dying

I understand your concerns but (based on a google search) this seems to be a pretty well-run organization that is used to Western volunteers. Make a list of your concerns. Ask your daughter to make a formal presentation addressing all of them. She may need to do some research. Give her time.

This has the potential to be an awesome experience. Considering that she is only 18 and has already finished sophomore year of college, she obviously can afford to take a year off and still be younger than most others when she graduates from college.

bovertine · 10-25-2009, 07:54 PM

This is a very admirable thing she wants to do, but I understand your reluctance too.

How about this -
1. Can she do this over the summer either before or after her junior year? Then she could stop off at India either before or after heading to England.
2. Is there a big deal if she just applies for the Oxford program in case she changes her mind?

parent56 · 10-25-2009, 07:57 PM

personally i would ask her to consider oxford first and then the india experience after. if up until this point oxford has been her goal, you are only asking her to postpone the india experience not saying no.

mom2collegekids · 10-25-2009, 08:01 PM

Is she thinking of joining the Sisters of Charity?

kantianethicist · 10-25-2009, 08:06 PM

momof2collegekids--I don't think so--she's an atheist.

Dad_of_3 · 10-25-2009, 08:16 PM

I really agree with Calmom's arguments along the line of allowing the trip versus funding it. I would agree that you shouldn't fund it if you are against it (as I would be if I were in your situation).

SmithieandProud · 10-25-2009, 08:19 PM

I think it's normal for you to freak out, but I think a few calming breaths and clear thinking will serve you well here. You are lucky to have a child who feels so strongly about helping the truly less fortunate and wants to make a substantial difference in the world. You have done well to encourage her thus far to be independent and well rounded, and like any good parent, you're just trying to think about her safety an well being.

BUT if this is something she really wants to do, I would let her go. Volunteering at this home is not like living alone in the slums of Calcutta after all. She will have supervision and be in a safe facility. She will have access to Internet cafes and I would second thinking about a cell phone with an international plan, so you won't lose track of her. And she'll be doing truly important work that she loves, which is perhaps the best reason of all. Oxford is the more well trodden path, of course, but it doesn't sound like you raised her to walk any path but her own, would you really want it any other way?

My mom was not pleased when I said I wanted to study middle eastern studies, she gets less pleased whenever I travel to the region, and the idea that I might end up in Iraq actually terrifies her. I know that, we talk about it all the time. But my parents wanted me to use my talents, not just acquire them. They would have preferred I stick to safer regions, but they respect my choice, and they know I wouldn't be happy any othe way.

Talk it over with your daughter, face to face if possible. It's okay to admit fear and confusion, but give her more time to explain. I can see how this was a bombshell at first, but try again to see it her way.