Socializing on campus: what if your child is NOT a drinker?

[mousegray]

Twisted, you're smart to not feel safe at these drinking parties. My D reports multiple abusive incidences (all boy on girl) among her friends all tied to drinking. She is actually trying to raise some awareness on her campus but seems to be getting stonewalled by the one dean she talked to.

[RacinReaver]

Is he in his dorm room on Friday/Saturday nights? Tell him to always leave his door open if he's in, and to occasionally walk up and down the hall to see if anyone else is around. If they are, invite them over or go to the common room to watch a movie/TV/play games.

My hall freshman year was split up into two groups. The guys that went out drinking Friday and Saturday, and those of us that stayed behind to play games, go out to movies, or just to hang out. The rest of the week we were all friends and hung out the same, so there were no hard feelings or that obnoxious elitist acting some people that don't drink put on.

[anxiousmom]

Club sports - teams that travel. Ultimate is a good sport, usually has some good kids with more moderate/low drinking levels.

[fogfog]

GREAT POST TWISTED!

a lot of maturity and wisdom there....and a great show of leadership

....its one fo the reaons our S is looking for a school where he will find good things to do - beyond that heavy drinking culture...

[ebeeeee]

My D's experience has been much like Twisted. She has a small group of friends..they go to a movie, watch something on her big TV, go to the mall, etc. Some of the more service oriented greeks have events that aren't ragers. It will definitely take more time, drinking is the no brainer default.
PS My older S definitely parties..I'm not criticizing parties here or claiming my D is an angel so let's not go there.

[oldfort]

Just had a conversation with D1 all the way on the other side of the world about this, since there has been so many discussions on this forum. Her view is it is not the "drinking scene" that many kids are not comfortable with, it is the big gathering many new kids find intimidating. She said to walk into a big party, not knowing many people, is very daunting for many people. Some people use alcohol to get over that shyness, and also use alcohol as an excuse if they should do anything stupid. She enjoys big parties because she likes to dance and meet different people. For her, going to those parties doesn't always mean drinking. More often than not, she doesn't drink at parties. That being said, she feels since most people considered her as very "chill," no one would ever question as to why she's not drinking. She could see how some kids feel pressured to drink. Her suggestion is to avoid big parties if it's not a comfortable surrounding. She feels when people are confident and feel good about themselves, they use alcohol less to mask those feelings. She thinks after a few months at school, most people do find a group of people they are comfortable with, and maybe they'll feel less need to drink in order to impress.

[MagnoliaMom]

My daughter (college senior) has expressed views similar to that of oldfort's daughter. Particularly as a freshman who hasn't been around drinkers often, the large parties can be quite intimidating. My daughter's experience has been that there are always some kids there who aren't drinking though. She loves to dance but she's not always drinking, if she has studying to do later that night or the next morning, she'll offer to drive the others. The older the kids get, the greater the frequency of just deciding to stay in and chill with a movie. Other times she'll have a dinner date lined up with a girlfriend from freshman year dorm to catch up when they've both been too busy to connect.

I think a big part of being comfortable in college comes with becoming comfortable with yourself, who you are, and what your interests are. That whole process is just harder for some of us than others. DD loves being around people but also considers herself to be somewhat awkward. She now laughs about it and says she's ok with who she is, she's embraced her awkwardness. She also says she's chilled out alot since freshman year, just not worrying so much about the perception that others might have.

[JHS]

In connection with another thread, I was just thinking about how my kids actually spend/spent their time in college, and it went a long way to explaining (for myself) why, even though neither is anything like a teetotaler, getting wasted just isn't a big part of their lives (and I don't worry much about their drinking):

Academics are demanding -- at least 40-50 hours/week worth.

Paid work -- One child did 20-25 hours/week often. The other does 10, connected to one of his extra-curriculars.

Extra-curriculars (non-sports) -- At least 10-20 hours/week

Sports (or exercise) -- 15 hrs/week plus sometimes tournaments on weekends for one, at least a few hours at the gym or running/bikeriding for the other

ADLs -- Living in an apartment requires a certain amount of cleaning, shopping, food prep. Also, cooking meals for friends, or going to their places for dinner, is a big part of their lives. And cookie-baking.

Doing stuff in the city -- rock shows, cheap restaurants, theater (usually hole-in-the-wall, underground), thrift stores, comics stores, art shows (usually hole-in-the-wall, underground, or on-campus), the downtown art museum, student tickets to high culture stuff . . . . A lot of social time is spent doing this stuff in groups of 2-10.

Add to that stuff like hanging out in campus coffee shops, hulu (and less-legal equivalents), Facebook, and, yes, the occasional smidgen of romance . . . and there just isn't a whole lot of getting-wasted time left over. Alcohol works its way into the schedule at several points, but it isn't the centerpiece of anything.

Edit to add: Re anxiousmom: Ultimate has moderate to low drinking levels? Not the ultimate kids I've seen! (Or, if they did, it was because alcohol wasn't the first-string intoxicant.) At my kids' college, the Ultimate team is the pulsing heart of what party culture there is, even more than the fraternities, although that doesn't mean everyone on it participates fully.

[TheGFG]

I agree with MagnoliaMom about learning to be comfortable with yourself. Some kids accomplish this to a greater degree in high school and thus have less angst that first year in college if they're not doing what "everyone else" is doing. High-achieving kids might have an easier time adapting, if in high school they already got used to saying no to drinking parties because they had too much homework to do or EC's to participate in to have time to get drunk.

[limabeans]

Thanks all for the suggestions, etc. My son joined Habitat shortly after school started and has found that to be a nice distraction, although there are times when it's almost oo much. He's also participating in a dance group, which was totally surprising to me since he never did that before. But, like joining Theatre, it's an avenue to finding friends and expanding your circle. Most of the kids in his hall, however, are still the drinking sort. I'm quite hopefull it's just a matter of finding friends and his freshman angst will settle down. This weekend, were going out for Family Weekend, so we'll see.