What made them miserable? - Page 3

worknprogress · 10-30-2009, 09:42 PM

LasMa - for goodness sakes, don't be hard on yourself for being the kind of parents that a daughter truly misses. Her love for you will keep her out of all sorts of trouble that would be worse than not liking her school.

I have to tell you that often being younger sometimes catches up to kids in college. They may have done very well academically and socially throughout school, but when it comes time to actually be away from home they falter. I believe kids continue to experience developmental levels well into their twenties (at least), so some of this just may change with the passage of time.

Despite the sleepless nights you have experienced, this is a far better problem to have than to have a child who views college as a time to go wild and be rebellious.

eddieodessa · 10-30-2009, 10:06 PM

LasMa - My heart goes out to you.

ebeeeee · 10-31-2009, 10:08 AM

Agree with LasMa about expectations. I just went to visit our freshman D for parents weekend. A parent in our hometown told me "you won't believe how much she will have changed." Not even close to the truth. She hasn't changed a bit. Still shy, still has a very small group of friends, still waits for others to plan even if it means she is doing nothing on Saturday night. I think some of the students think that everything will be different in college but they do not make changes themselves.
There is another thread about whether parents are jealous and would like to go back to college. My answer is a resounding NO. The academic stimulation sounds great but the whole social process does not appeal to me at all.

ebeeeee · 10-31-2009, 10:11 AM

I have one other thought to add. I think that some kids, including my D and maybe others have an idea of college where everyone else is partying, socializing 24/7, has great life long friends, etc. That is not the reality but they compare their situation to that and then are even more unhappy. Lasma, my D doesn't seem to be estatic or miserable but somewhere in between. My older son is living alone in a studio apartment and seems very subdued this year...I allow myself to worry sometimes that they are both lonely. Then I count my blessings that neither is having their stomach pumped in an ER on the weekend. Then my DH reminds me that some of the most personal growth he experienced came from lonely times.

Youdon'tsay · 10-31-2009, 01:54 PM

ebeeee, I agree that kids have some preconceived misconceived notions of what college will hold. On cc I've seen numerous threads started by kids asking whether these really are the best years of their lives, or did parents truly make lifelong friends because that is not the kids' current experiences.

This thread has been so helpful to me because rather than just a pro/cons list that I figured ds would make for each of the colleges before me makes a final decision, I think some discussion will be in order of how realistic those pros and cons really are.

oceansaway · 10-31-2009, 10:26 PM

At our D's college convocation, the president said that his best friends "to this day" were the friends he made within the first two days of college. So my D wondered why, after a few weeks, she hadn't made life-long friends yet. I still think I should email him and tell him not to raise the expectations so high for freshmen, who feel like failures if they havne't found their BFFs after a few weeks!

oldfort · 10-31-2009, 11:18 PM

At one accepted students weekend, an admission officer said to students, "Look to your left, look to your right, you may be looking at your future mother/father in-law."

LasMa · 10-31-2009, 11:41 PM

LOL oldfort, thanks for the laugh; I needed it!

arbiter213 · 11-01-2009, 05:32 AM

Not a parent, but a pretty observant (I think) student, and what I've noticed most often is as a problem is when people pick schools based on what they WANT to be, rather than who they are.

One example: One of my closest friends went to a small private school K-12, and was very quiet, and used to small, tight nit groups of friends. She wanted to be more outgoing, and picked a school she liked. The school was a good fit, her dorm choices, not so much. She avoided Rushing, picked the large, all freshman dorm instead of the stable, close knit residential colleges, and then compounded this her sophomore year by moving to the anti-social, all single room dorm akin to a prison complex.

She's fixed much of this, but had some really rough times to get to where she is. It's a hard problem, because it requires a degree of awareness of self which is very rare amongst HS students (or people in general, really), and also the ability to discern what each school's mold is.

As I conceive it, each school has a specific mold its culture will shape the growth of a its students into. Students frequently see appealing molds (especially the Ivys) and say "Aha! I want to be like that!". And while this may work for a rare few, it's backwards.

What you should make sure your child seeks is "Aha! This is who I am! This is like me! I can really grow into myself here."

One of my favorite quotes happens to illustrate this point nicely: College should, ideally, be

Quote:

the struggle… to become more fully and deeply the person that we are;…to bring into existence that one and perfect individual which God in creating us entrusted to our care-The Bell, Iris Murdoch

I'd also like to say that one common source of unhappiness is the aforementioned "early friends" concept.

The idea that you'll make lasting friends in the first few days is, ultimately, laughable. You WILL likely make one or two you'll stay friends with (and heck, I met my girlfriend of 2+ years within the first week), but the VAST MAJORITY of "friends" you make during the fall will not be people you speak to regularly by March. I was told to expect this, and it happened to me, my friends, and my friends friends.

psych_ · 11-01-2009, 06:10 AM

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I think #1 can be reversed--chasing perceived "fit" and ignoring financial reality. My family and I are very debt-averese, and I know I would feel some pressure/guilt/anxiety knowing that I was putting myself or my parents in debt or depleting our resources.

Quote:

At our D's college convocation, the president said that his best friends "to this day" were the friends he made within the first two days of college. So my D wondered why, after a few weeks, she hadn't made life-long friends yet. I still think I should email him and tell him not to raise the expectations so high for freshmen, who feel like failures if they havne't found their BFFs after a few weeks!

On the other hand, my mom's best friend to this day (35 years later!) is still the very first person she met in college!

dbwes · 11-01-2009, 06:12 AM

Nice post, arbiter. I like the Iris Murdoch quote.

psych_ · 11-01-2009, 06:50 AM

To add on the other posts, I think a lot of people (including me) expect(ed) college to completely change who they are. It's been very interesting looking at me and my best friend (who I've known since we were about 10) as we've gone through college and now as college seniors. In some ways, I've changed. I've become a bit more cynical, more social, and and a lot more independent (as someone with a severe physical disability, I literally had to learn to dress myself when going to college). I've changed my major and my goals. My friend has studied abroad, become more or less fluent in French, and become a very good webprogrammer. We both drink now that we're 21, though less than probably 99% of all college students.

Deep down, however, there is SO much about us that haven't changed. I'm still incredibly driven and goal-oriented (then it was about college admissions, now about grad school), incredibly busy, stubborn, load among people I know and quiet among people I don't. I'm still not much of a partier, and two nights in a row is basically my limit. I still get very passionate about specific things and throw myself into them. My friend is still cynical, hilarious, understated, smarter than she'll admit, and not much of partier.

Have we changed? Yes. Are we still in many ways the same people we've always been? Yes.

Lafalum84 · 11-01-2009, 08:39 AM

I love this thread. Arbiter, LasMa and others have given hs seniors and their parents much to ponder, and warned us about some major but subtle pitfalls to be wary of. Thanks to them, the OP and to all who have posted. I'm going to continue to follow this thread closely!

Arbiter you're right, you are very insightful.

sk8rmom · 11-01-2009, 08:46 AM

LasMa, our D's could be twins! Sk8rgirl is not truly happy anywhere that is not home although she has good friends, good profs, and great roomies at a financial safety that also had the best program for her intended major. It's a very big school but the kids are friendly there and there's always alot to do. She's closer than your D, so does get to come home once a month but that will likely change once winter sets in. Says she gets tired of always being with people her own age and feels like she can never really relax at school.

I'm guilty of never making her go away on her own though she was involved in a variety of activities and quitting was never encouraged. We did plenty of traveling together with her teams, mostly for competitions, but I didn't make her go do the social events if she didn't feel like it or go to the week long residential camps, which she always declined. She was miserable at the overnight orientation last summer - her first real experience staying with total strangers - but she stuck it out even though I was in a hotel a stone's throw from the dorm.

Right now, I'm thankful that D acknowledges that she's as happy at her school as she can be anywhere that's not home and with Mom. She's determined to keep smiling and make the best of it, but has permission to "let her hair down" with me. I get the occassional tears (much less now than 2 months ago, thank goodness) and frequent "I hate my life" and she gets it out of her system and moves on. I'm sure I still have the lump in my throat when she's forgotten about it...oh well. She's now talking about spending the summer in her dad's home state (though not with him) so hoping this may be a sign that all this uncomfortable change has given her new confidence in her ability to make a life apart from me (and that's tough for me too, but I'm encouraging it).

Hoping your D will find the right school at the right time in the right place!

arbiter213 · 11-01-2009, 09:30 AM

Thanks for the praise, but I think its only fair to note that this wasn't something I figured out until I ended up by chance (process of elimination) at my school, which as it turns out, was perfect for me. Had I gone to the schools I thought I wanted to, I'd be much worse for it, I believe.

Could just be cognitive dissonance, but the changes I've undergone that I view as a positive would almost certainly not have come about at the campuses I was pursuing.