What made them miserable? - Page 4

3bysmom · 11-01-2009, 09:44 AM

LasMa,
I am so sorry that you and your D find yourself in this situation, and I think we can all feel how helpless this must make you feel. I think though, that it is important not to "rescue" your D again. There is a way to provide the support she needs without taking responsibility for her happiness. I like your idea of providing a "gap semester" with some time devoted to therapy. I don't know if doing that at home is ideal for her emotional development though. Even when we as parents recognize the flaws in our parenting (and trust me, I have plenty!) it is hard to change that dynamic. Does she have a passion for something (like community service) which would allow her to go away and be succesful? If she is outdoorsy at all - I would highly recommend the NOLA (National Outdoor Leadership Academy) she can earn college credit while she learns how to lead others and most importantly - take care of herself. Good luck and please let us know what happens!

kierans · 11-03-2009, 02:08 PM

I have a freshman son who is miserable and is filling out transfer applications and planning to transfer for next year. We've told him he has to finish out the year, but he seems bound and determined to leave his school as soon as possible. I think in his case the crux of the problem is that he thought he wanted to be far from home, but then realized that he really didn't, especially now that he has a girlfriend at home. I find this discussion thread interesting because I also think that some kids just aren't mature enough to deal with college and, in my son's case, he's just never had to face too many obstacles before. When he got to college and realized that he was going to really miss his girlfriend and that he had to make an effort to make new friends on campus and everything was new and sort of difficult, he didn't know what to do. It was almost like he was outraged that he might, heaven forbid, just have to endure some loneliness/unhappiness for a while, without us rescuing him. That would be a new experience for him. So, I'm sure wishing now that we'd rescued him less and made him stick it out more and maybe he'd have enough experience now so that he wouldn't be running and quitting because things are hard. Oh well, we do the best we can as parents, with the best intentions and sometimes it doesn't work out.

Cardinal Fang · 11-03-2009, 02:28 PM

LasMa-- Sorry that your D is having so much trouble. A gap semester, or even stopping out an entire year, sounds like a great solution. She'll be half a year older when she comes back, and that extra maturity could make all the difference in itself.

From what you say, a transfer wouldn't be the answer even if she had good transfer options. If the problem is her, well, she'd still be the same person at the new school.

NorthMinnesota · 11-03-2009, 03:23 PM

Somewhat late to this thread but our D2 is contemplating a transfer. What complicates her situation is that she is a scholarship student athlete at a D1 university. She has always been quiet, reserved and "slow to warm" to new situations. We questioned her choice of school due to her temperment, distance from home and academic rigor. The university is beautiful, housing fantastic and she has been quite successful in her sport. Her problems have centered on the culture of the team (lots of partying in season and no real desire to perform well in the classroom ) and the fact that the school literally shuts down on weekends...main cafeteria even closes on weekends! She is not challenged in her classes. She is currently researching transfer schools. She has not found enough of "her people" on the team to keep her there. She will stay the year...it's free! We have told her the transfer apps and research is up to her. She will not play her sport at some schools and perhaps at others she is looking at due to NCAA rules. We told her to carefully think this through as she could graduate in three years for free and also have one year of grad school paid for if she stays. The choice is hers.

Hanna · 11-03-2009, 03:26 PM

I would add a #6: bad luck. Sometimes your freshman hallmates are a nightmare. Even if you are doing your best to get involved, meet other people, etc., living with people who are anti-social or troubled is bad news. My first college and I weren't a great match, but it was just plain bad luck that my hallmates were...my hallmates. There's something about having to call security on someone's abusive boyfriend that compromises the feeling of community on a hall.

starryskye · 11-03-2009, 03:28 PM

From my personal experience 30 years ago
the 6 and a half hour drive-- no car
being in a triple all freshman girls dorm
adjusting to 65 inches of snow when I ws used to 25 inches
I transfered after freshman year to a smaller more rigorous school academically that was 1.25 hours from home with train service!!
Starryskye

markbright2 · 11-06-2009, 02:59 PM

D went to small LAC. Hated first semester, missing boyfriend, wanted to transfer to his larger school, almost flunked out with partying. Christmas break decided not to go back but stay home and go to community college. Transfer came through same time she broke up with boyo. Decided not to transfer and was grateful to return to orginal school. Doing great.

fendrock · 11-06-2009, 03:04 PM

Wow markbright, that must have been stressful for you!!!

07DAD · 11-06-2009, 03:35 PM

1) Chased the money and ignored the issue of "fit." No, S has taken ownership of the whole process starting with the accomplishment of getting the merit money. I heard him say to a HS senior the summer after S's freshman year that "the Fit" is finding activities that you are interested in once you get there and that the greatest experience he had was getting into something that he had never done before and making his "tight" group of friends from those involved in that new experience. Afer Soph year we were talking about a buddy of his from HS who had a rough time in college. S mentioned that the guy had made all decisions about college based upon who he was in HS and when he got to college he started to change and the college didn't fit.

2) Thought they wanted to move far from home and then got homesick. Na. It didn't take long for college to be "home." S refers to seeing us on breaks as "visits."

3) Unprepared for the rigor of this particular college. Wasn't an issue. We had discussed how much easier it is to do really well from the start so that you don't spend all 4 years trying to bring up the freshman year grades.

4) Bored by lack of rigor at this particular college. Na. S is at a small LAC and he said that he loved the ability to go one on one with the prof and go farther into the subject matter in those classes that really interested him.

5) Underestimated some aspect of college -- yup. S said the winter weather was a shock being much, much colder than he was used to.

Billy Pilgram · 11-06-2009, 04:49 PM

^^^^
So I take it he's not too miserable?

Youdon'tsay · 11-06-2009, 05:10 PM

markbright, phew!!!

07DAD · 11-06-2009, 05:32 PM

Quote:

So I take it he's not too miserable?

No. I wouldn't say so. I did forget to mention to the OP that dorm/roommate/on or off campus housing etc seems to be an area for focus.

My S's an only child and he quickly learned that he wanted a single (and off campus) as soon as possible. He likes his sleep and dorms and roommates aren't all that great for getting sleep. I know from CC that other parents have had nightmare stories of roommate and living arrangement issues. My S had a nearly unique college class arrangement. All students attend class from 9-12:30 M-F, so there wasn't a real problem with having early classes for some result in a lot of noise for others with only a later class.

This year with a single just off campus he has been able to avoid the flu in spite of a large percentage of the students coming down with it. He was sick for a few days last year in the dorm when he had a single and he said that was a real "pain" since his dorm did not have a private attached bathroom.

markbright2 · 11-07-2009, 10:08 AM

We were shocked at first, and then paperwork was annoying, we insisted that she just take a leave of absence from school and not withdraw. But then she enrolled immediately for January session at local cc and then spring. Actually, this whole rigamarole saved us money, cheap credits to transfer back to expensive school. Secretly, her mother and I are pleased that she faced the mess, fixed it and didn't run away. We knew it was a good fit for her.

2boysima · 11-07-2009, 10:46 AM

Some great advice and insight on this thread.

Some comments more to LasMa's issue, than the thread topic: Appreciate LasMa being so open and direct about the situation with D. Gap semester with a leave of absence sounds like a good option....and it's very possible D will want to go back to original school, as has been the situation with others in similar situations who have posted on this thread.

However, it's very important that you start allowing (and requiring) D take ownership for all of this -- including finding out what needs to be done to take a LOA, filling out the paperwork herself, and developing a plan...to be agreed to and approved by parents...for what she will do during gap semester.

She may not have been ready to go so far from home...but she needs to learn how to rescue herself. It will be good experience for similar situations later in life.

poetgrl · 11-07-2009, 11:28 AM

Lasma-- I've been very impressed with your willingness to take a look at what you want to do differently. Still, I know it's not easy and think your D will be fortunate to have a little reprieve and some therapy to figure out what it is she wants to do differently. One suggestion, which you don't need to take, obviously

, is maybe a life coach instead of a therapist. It doesn't really sound like there's any kind of emotional dysfunction, just some unrealistic expectations and a little bit of a lack of understanding of how to get out of her own way. Life coaches can help with this where sometimes we psychologists tend to get a little bit too deep into problems when there aren't any. I've recommended life coaches for younger students who seemed healthy but a little bit lost, before. FWIW