Need during-HS gap year ideas for bright, failing son

[mom2collegekids]

Have you considered homeschooling him or doing some online schooling?

[TearingMyHairOut]

I am completely overwhelmed with gratitude at the number of very helpful responses. I have just come back after a while, in which I did some research prompted by the ones I had seen, and wrote responses to some posters. I now see that there are more posts, and I have a few PMs. I will read these in a few minutes.

Besides the insight and the thoughtful and very helpful suggestions, the compassion and support mean more to me than I can say.

Below I have some responses that I typed into a document (typing long responses directly into CC leads to disappearance of said typing into the ether!). Then I will continue reading.

[TearingMyHairOut]

pixeljig - Thank you for the information on GED requirements. I'm not sure whether it's 16 or 18 for our state, but I will find out if we decide to go this route.


nysmile - Unfortunately, our district's attitude toward homeschoolers is "you are dead to me." This is a shame, because a combination of online courses, self-study, and a few HS courses could be a good solution. I am not at all sure that homeschooling would work, given DS' motivational issues, and I am not sure that it is going to be possible to change our relationship from mother/son to teacher-drill-sargeant/student. But I may be able to find a way to impose structure from the outside, though CC courses or tutors.

Consolation, I have always wondered whether CC courses offer enough challenge for bright HS students, since at least around here CC does not attract the brightest students. Yet it seems to be a good solution for many kids. At your suggestion, I visited hoagies for the first time in several years. I found another early college entrance possibility, Clarkson U in NY state.

'rent, I am so happy that things worked out so well for your family. In retrospect, I should have known from the start that the school system was not going to work for DS. We were advised early on that private schools were not necessarily going to be much better for him. I wish now that we'd gone that route, I think it would have been better. But the cost was a big issue. Around here, private schools cost around $30,000 per year, in some cases a bit more. You were much smarter and braver than we were. I could not have imagined taking on complete responsibility for DS' education, especially given that I work outside the home.

CCSurfer, He is not involved in anything outside school, and his ECs there are only a couple of academic clubs. But I could certainly find something for him if we end up homeschooling. I looked for a JHU early entrance program, and ended up at a CTY page with information on early college entrance programs, the same ones that were listed on hoagies. JHU was not listed, so I don't think they do this any more. I will look for the association for highly gifted kids.

boysx3, We thought of boarding schools after the bad 9th grade year. He did not want to go this route, and was quite articulate about his reasons. He did not want to live in a dorm, and was very clear about his need for privacy, space, quiet. (I know that this does not bode well for college.) He also said that any school that would accept him with his record would not be a school he would like to attend. Our attempts to tell him that he probably would have some reasonable options did not get through. Basically, he just didn't want to go, and at the age he was a couple of years ago, I didn't think it was a good idea to force the issue. Unfortunately, day schools around here are very hard to get into, and they are not an option for a kid with less-than-stellar grades.

SDonCC and PRJ, You've made me re-think this. Your comments are exactly what I did not want to hear when I started this thread. I was looking only for gap-year suggestions. Now I am leaning against the gap-year idea and considering all the other suggestions people made. And I have now decided to get a neuropsychological evaluation. The testing that DS has had was basically IQ testing, both privately and by the school system, about 2 years apart. Both gave almost exactly the same results, and almost exactly the same pattern on the WISC subtests. DS hit the ceiling on quite a few subtests, but had shockingly low performance on two (30-something and 50-something percentiles). I don't remember what they were, but I do remember the testing psychologist saying that they corresponded to problems picking up perceptual clues. He has not had neuropsych testing, because he is so competent in all areas. I can't imagine him needing extra time on the SAT, for example. I'm realizing now, particularly after reading your story, PRJ, that there may be a neurological explanation for his problems - at least, that may be part of the story. This is going to be the first thing I pursue. I can't tell you how grateful I am for your (initially unwelcome!) comments.

marite, Yes, he will need to replace the school structure with something else if he does leave school.

Dinmor, He is not saying what he wants, and has not been willing to admit that there is a problem. Defense mechanisms are in full force, but when we break through them, there is obvious distress due to his feeling that he has ruined his chances for a good college (tears in his eyes as he expresses his belief that his first two failing years have done him in) and a great deal of shame. But he doesn't seem to be able to pick himself up and start to repair his record. He seems to intend to, but does not follow through. So although I agree that it would be better if he would formulate a plan himself, he is not going to do it, and I can't see just letting him drift without trying to alter his course.

[nysmile]

Great idea to get a neuropsychological evaluation--sooner the better.

[MarinMom]

Ow, your son sounds like he's feeling a lot of pain about this. The neuropsychological evaluation sounds like a good step. My son actually asked to be tested as a sophomore; he knew that he was different in some way from his peers and was feeling frustrated by it. He felt such relief when he could put a finger on the source of the problem; a visual processing deficit. Being able to put a name to what was going on with him empowered him to take control and find ways to compensate for his deficit.

Your son's drive to delve deeply into his areas of interest, his inability to complete meaningless (to him) tasks, and his comfort with pursuing his interests by himself remind me of a book that I picked up last year on the Staff Favorites table at the MIT Coop: "Look Me In The Eye; My Life With Aspergers" by John Elder Robison. This book made the rounds of friends and family, and you knew when someone was reading it because you would hear periodic howls of laughter coming from the sofa. If laughter is the best medicine, this book is better than any antidepressant. Your son might also enjoy it because it's the story of a very gifted boy who dropped out of high school and has been able to create a fulfilling and intellectually stimulating life for himself.

Good luck and hugs.

[Youdon'tsay]

I'm sure you've thought of this, but an official evaluation can also result in some accommodations in college, like a private room, if that will be an issue (you alluded to that in the part about boarding school).

Good luck. And if people are being so helpful it's in part because you come across as rational and not defensive, someone willing to listen to ideas.

[markbright2]

One of ours is this way and I know of others...all boys who did horribly in high school and slowly, slowly did better in college. All tested high; all performed poorly. Our son went to Bridgton Academy in Maine with a high school diploma and earned one semester of college credit in two semesters at Bridgton. I think a few are accepted who haven't a diploma and get it there. By now there may be other boarding schools that do this.

Americorps won't touch your son; they are turning away college students and college grads.

Our son watched his friends leave for college and other friends stay home and struggle to get jobs. Most did not get full time work.
Then he took classes at the community college and saw people juggling many life issues.
Then he got sick of living at home (mutual!)

These were all wakeup calls and finally he put on his big boy pants. He's not burning up academia but he's getting through.

We called it ADD, we called it gifted, we called it immaturity. Whatever it is, it's a nightmare at the time but these boys eventually learn to do what they need to do to get an education.

[BfloGal]

I completely agree with other posters who've suggested a complete neuropsych evaluation. I would run, not walk, to the best neuropsych you can find. It will not be cheap (expect to spend in the neighborhood of $3-4k), but the information you get out of it is priceless.

We thought our S (9th grade at the time) was simply lazy and unwilling to do the work to succeed. Turns out he has an auditory processing problem and some executive dysfunction that together hinder him from performing on the level his IQ says he should. Now that we've identified his problems, we can partner with his school to help him.

Good luck to you!

[PRJ]

TMHO - I should have included the happy ending to my D's story. The testing happened literally days before she left for her first year of college. The psychologist's recommendation was that she start school and see how she did. Almost immediately she reported difficulty focusing in class and organizing her thoughts to write a paper. I think because she knew she had a diagnosed disability and because she was so much more pleasantly challenged by college level work, she asked for help. We've connected her with a local psychiatrist who met with all of us over parents weekend (a week ago today as a matter of fact ), prescribed medication, will continue to counsel her and recommended that she seek coaching from the college learning disability office.

The cost for her evaluation was less than $2K; insurance did not cover it. Please PM me if you want any more details. I'm SO happy that our story is helpful.

[Gwen Fairfax]

If his scores are so disparate, that should mean the school would work with him on a 504 plan....my d is like this-- top in verbal, low in performance-- and she has been on a 504 which has been very helpful. The wide gap between the scores makes things terribly frustrating-- more so than if all the scores were low. The school gave her accommodations as soon as they saw the scores, and it has made all the difference to have her teachers understand the problem. I think that disparity could be the original source of your s's troubles-- and it might well lead to a sense of hopelessness, etc.

[TearingMyHairOut]

Calreader, somehow I missed your post the first time through. Sometimes it seems that posts appear and disappear in different places. My son has some accomplishments that should go a long way toward compensating for his first 2 years of HS if he gets his act together from now on, especially since he will improve on them this year and next, assuming he continues. But I don't think he is so exceptional at this point that a college like CalTech would take him early, with his record. A smaller and much less selective college, perhaps.

nysmile, I had noticed the January admission possibility, and this is now on my list of things to look into.

happymomof1, Unfortunately, our district is hostile to homeschoolers, and will not allow them to set foot on campus.

owlice, I'm looking forward to hearing what you have to say about Simon's Rock, and I hope you have a wonderful parents' weekend. What a beautiful place! I have always envied people who lived in states with specialized schools like the one your son attended, and I am shocked to hear that the reality fell so short of the promise. And how horribly disorganized they were!

meezermom, he probably has ADD, but he definitely does not have Asperger's. People who meet him often express surprise that he is a math/science kid, because he is so articulate and personable. Of course, many math/science people do not fit the unfortunate stereotypes, but I mention this just to emphasize that he does not fall on any spectrum. The caveats about homeschooling in your last sentence are very much in the forefront of my mind as I consider this option.

PRJ, my son started EPGY math in 1st grade. He was begging for harder math, and I found it for him. He did it off and on (you pay by the quarter no matter how much ground is covered, as owlice mentions) until he had covered the entire K-8 curriculum. He was taking it outside of school (and taking regular math in school), and he loved it. He asked to do it instead of school math, but the district absolutely refused to allow it.

geomom and fineartsmajormom, Thank you for the stories! They give me hope.

Dougbetsy, I think that regular Outward Bound would be great for DS, but I don't think he would be an appropriate candidate for the more therapeutic program. He has no drug, alcohol, or anger problems. I would not want to place him with kids who do.

Stradmom, I hope that we can get him moving on this. It is not going to be easy.

SDonCC, You sound knowledgable about neuropsych testing. Do you have specific suggestions on tests I should be sure he has?

geomom, I always wonder what other parents would do if their "normally bright" kids were placed in classrooms several years below their level and forced to stay there throughout elementary, middle, and high school. I'm sure they would be beating down the doors of the school protesting. Yet this is what DS has been forced to do.

fogfog, Thank you for your story. I am so glad that you were able to find help for your son!

compmom, Thank you for all the suggestions, and for the words of encouragement. I will look into the resources you suggest. I am not sure I dare to let him "lie fallow." I think he needs to be on some kind of path for his own mental health.

campbellmom, We have not offered the option of dropping out yet. I only came to accept the idea very recently. What he wants to do is drift along as he does now. We feel that we need to intervene.

What a great story, starbright! I wish that I knew of a program like that now. I'll have to look into it.

MarinMom, I am getting that book for DS! It sounds wonderful! I know for sure that he doesn't have Asperger's, but ADD is likely. He has not managed to get his act together to take driver's ed, and he is highly motivated to take this. He keeps missing the deadline, forgetting to bring in the form, etc. He has missed 3 opportunities so far, to his great frustration. Maybe the book will help him accept the possiblity that he may have a learning difference?

Youdon'tsay, I don't think he needs a private room, just that he would prefer some privacy. I think this is true of a lot of kids. He was very happy at CTY in a dorm, sharing a room. He liked every single kid in his class/floor both years that he went.

markbright, Thank you so much for your son's story. It is a hopeful one. I will look into Bridgton Academy. I haven't heard of it. Is it specifically for bright, underperforming kids or is it a general boarding school that will give a kid like that a chance? Thanks, also, for the bad news on Americorps. Better that I know now that it won't be a possibility.

Bflogal, what exactly can be done with executive dysfunction? (I am expecting that if my son has something, this is what he has.) I know that DS does not have an auditory processing disorder. He listens intently in class and takes no notes (used to get in trouble for this; the teachers would insist that he take them, but when he took them, he couldn't listen as well). This gets him all the material and it sticks. He never studies for tests, takes pride in not even knowing which days they will be given. He always gets close to 100%.

Thanks for the follow-up, PFJ; it is very helpful. I'd love to find an evaluation for less than $2k, but I suspect that you may be in a lower-cost part of the country. I'll PM you for details.

[TearingMyHairOut]

A day, and some wonderful CC posters! Less than 24 hours ago, I posted my appeal for suggestions for a gap year. I thought that I had analyzed DS' situation to death and, frankly, I was not interested in rethinking it. But I am in a completely different place now. Instead of trying to arrange the gap year/CC entry plan, I am now going to arrange a neuropsych evaluation as soon as possible. I am also considering early college entry, homeschooling/distance learning, boarding school, and several other options. I have even learned that it will be a waste of time to try for Americorps, and I have some good suggestions for a gap year, if we do this (looking less likely now). I am certainly going to tread very carefully before suggesting/allowing DS to drop out of HS, given some of your thoughtful comments on this choice.

I have many specific suggestions, and many ideas to consider, thanks to all of you.

There is no place like CC, either on the web or IRL. I am so grateful to all of you who took the time to help another parent in need.

[TearingMyHairOut]

GwenFairfax, your post just popped up. I swear it was not there before! I don't think DS had a discrepancy between verbal and performance scores, just some big disparities on subtests (two very low). The testing was a long time ago, but I will dig it out and take it to the psychologist when we identify one.

[bluealien01]

Has he ever given a reason why he does not do his homework?

[bluealien01]

And it will be me looking, not DS. He does not have the necessary motivation or resourcefulness

I'm curious. If he doesn't have the motivation to look for volunteer, job, internship, etc. opportunities, what makes you think he'll have the motivation to show up at a volunteer or job position if you find one for him?