time to power down the helicopter?

[FallGirl]

I find when talking to other parents that I am more involved in some aspects with my kids and less involved in others. In some respects it depends on the family, but also the child.

[frazzled2thecore]

I have noticed that many who scoff at "helicopter parents" who get involved in assisting their adult children with the minutiae of daily life are still first in line when it comes to using their own connections to help their child gain a coveted internship or job, or to scope out a potential grad school. And I think a young adult would be foolish to apply to med school or law school or later on, embark on a career in one of these fields or another profession such as accounting, without input from a seasoned professional. Sometimes practicing professionals are even required as references in order to apply to schools or take credentialing exams, and parents are best situated to help their children make connections.

If schools and businesses truly wish to eliminate parental input into getting young people established, they should make it much easier for the young person without a network or connection to get a foot in the door. Grad schools should be honest and transparent about what it takes to get admitted, and also about outcomes for their own graduates.

[Inthebiz]

In my opinion, there's a huge difference between asking people's opinions/advice and helicoptering.

For example, I would expect my students to talk with their parents about the courses they're taking, their academic goals, etc. I think students can gain great perspective from consulting others . . . and then the student needs to make the decisions. (and live or die by the results.)

Helicoptering, is what happened in my office yesterday. A parent called one of our advisors and said "my daughter has an appointment with you in an hour and I want to talk to you before she gets there about the courses she will take next semester."

You can imagine the advisor's reaction to that!

[mom2collegekids]

^^^^

Was that in college or high school?

>>>
In my opinion, there's a huge difference between asking people's opinions/advice and helicoptering.
<<<<


I completely agree. That's why I get annoyed when a completely "hands off" parent acts like they're "doing things right" by not even appearing interested in where their child is applying to school. (i.e. I have no idea where Junior is applying; that's up to him.) These poor kids are often the same ones who are devastated in the spring when they learn that their choices aren't affordable.

[mom2collegekids]

>>>
He said that these [ADD] kids need to develop strategies to help them cope with organizational issues, parents must let them stumble and fail sometimes and this will help succeed to manage their ADD. However, in the end he said that the most important decision in his life was to marry a wonderful, supportive, well organized woman.
<<<<

True. But the best advice I got when I first had kids was..."let them experience the "little hurts" (the skinned knees from falling down, etc.) when they are little, so they will learn to be more cautious and thoughtful when they get older."

And, I agree, that an ADD person benefits from marrying someone who can help manage life.

[Inthebiz]

^^^^

That was college.

[poetgrl]

Actually, Mom2, we do get some of those kids here, no? Asking us questions and asking why thier parent's don't care?

I have the inclinations of a complete helicopter parent, but I also have very independent children and can't indulge those inclinations. I have no real problem with parent's who are really involved in thier kids lives, as long as it isn't one of those "living THRU the kid" type things, which I have seen to be very damaging...but isn't what I think people are talking about here.

SIL is a hiring authority at a fortune 100, and when parent's get involved in the interview process, the kid is immediately nixed from the process....FWIW.

[BCEagle91]

> And if they’re not taking ownership of the application process, it makes
> you wonder — is this person going to take ownership in life, without
> someone pushing him or her?

I wonder if this guy has an administrative assistant or secretary.

I used to work at a corporate headquarters and we had a bunch of offices with managers (including mine) and outside each offices was one or two cubes with administrative assistants. The administrative assistants printed out email, arranged appointments, reminded about appointments, took care of copying, made travel arrangements, arranged meetings (as in rooms, catering, etc.), and sometimes even picked up dry-cleaning. These admin jobs paid quite well. In some cases, they paid much more than other professional jobs.

There's a new show called Stargate Universe. My favorite character is Eli - a math gamer geek who lived with his mother and was unemployed and very, very smart. There are all kinds of people out there. There are all kinds of families out there. I think that the Stanford guy is a little full of himself.

[geezermom]

For example, I would expect my students to talk with their parents about the courses they're taking, their academic goals, etc. I think students can gain great perspective from consulting others . . . and then the student needs to make the decisions. (and live or die by the results.)

This is what we aim for. We hope our S will always know we're available as sounding boards--and so far it seems like he does. My challenge over the next couple of years will be to stay far, far away from the CC law school forum, because that is the direction he's going. I know virtually nothing about that process, and I am determined to let it be his thing. We have plenty of friends, and friends' children, who could give him firsthand experience, reality checks, and advice if he wants it.

I do love it when he asks for cooking advice. I'll stick to being the Helicoptering Gourmet from now on.

[poetgrl]

"The Helicoptering Gourmet"-- I think there is a book in your future.

[atomom]

Quote: "I cannot for the life of me understand why a parent would be involved in any aspect of their offspring picking, applying and enrolling in a grad school. . ."

OK, so I encouraged S to take the GRE (he did), and I've researched grad programs on-line and emailed him links, given him advice on how to compare programs. . .

Why?
I don't want S living in my basement next year.
(NOW do you understand?)

I admit to being a secretary wife/mom, but not quite a helicopter parent. I could tell you some of the classes S is taking now, but I don't know his schedule or talk to him every day. H & I don't have connections and haven't been able to help him get jobs (unless you count grabbing an application off the counter in a fast-food restaurant, handing it to your HS student and saying, "Here, fill this out. They're hiring.")

[MagnoliaMom]

Ditto atomom! DD has gotten much very good advice on grad schools from her mentor but I have researched programs on line just because I'm interested to see what she's considering and what the financial considerations might be (since she won't be totally financially independent). From the perspective of financial support, I think parents have a right to be somewhat involved. My goal is for her to graduate debt free because I don't want her to be shouldered with student loans as we were when we graduated.

Putting together her list of grad schools and the application process have been all her, with advice from current grad students and professors. It's been hard at times to bite my tongue but I'm getting better at it and she acknowledges that. I admit to still occasionally texting her with a "reminder"...but now I get texts back that say "did that last week, Mom "...and that's a good thing.

I know what classes and research she's involved in but not her schedule. We don't have contacts to help her get jobs or internships...she's gotten herself pretty connected through her own efforts.

[sk8rmom]

I'm already researching grad (pharmacy) schools and my D is only a freshman! Am I a helicopter parent? The way we think of it is that she has a full plate right now, with 19 credits and many other things to research, and I am more likely to ferret out programs of interest to her than her advisor would since I know her better. Also, I obviously have her financial picture and other interests at heart. So, I'll do the initial "cull" and she'll have to take a hard look at it next year and talk with other profs and advisors about her plans.

I know many parents and kids who were so independent in the college process that many deadlines were missed or they were not able to afford any schools and were left scrambling. Others did not graduate on time due to lack of good advisors. If it's not obvious to the outside world that Mom is helping to research or track things (ie. Mom should NOT be doing apps or calling advisors or prospective employers!) and the kid actually wants Mom's help/input, I don't see a problem. Those who can't/won't seek help and advice when they need it are at more of a disadvantage. Some kids are naturals at delegating

[Longhaul]

Inthebiz

I guess I'm more of a helicopter than I want to believe.

I could validate consulting with a college advisor about one of mine IF I was paying the bill. I have a difficult time with the disconnect of needing parents for FA forms, etc, but the privacy laws for grades, etc.

Mine are still young, so I have time to power down before college advisor, but still...

[beth's mom]

***I'm already researching grad (pharmacy) schools and my D is only a freshman! Am I a helicopter parent? ***

This doesn't say "helicopter parent" to me. Helicopters hover right overhead, and they make a lot of noise and are easily noticed. You're doing what I'm doing for my high school D (gathering information on colleges for her to review when she has time), and I consider myself to be a research assistant rather than a helicopter.