time to power down the helicopter?

['rentof2]

The thing that you easily pick up on when you read all the slamming of "helicopter parents" is that 99% of the time they're talking about women.

I don't know why it is, but as culture we get such pleasure when we can say everything is the mother's fault.

Ever hung around a playground and heard all the chatter about who's the Bad Mother of the neighborhood? Or at a high school sports event and heard about what Bad Mother doesn't keep track of their wayward son or daughter? Now we love to read fluffy news columns about those Bad Mother's who are too involved with their college kids... as if the college kids and the mothers are incapable of working this out for themselves. (For anyone who read the little article that was linked at beginning of this thread, that is exactly what that mother and daughter are doing. They are fine! They seem to have a wonderful relationship.)

But we Bad Mothers can't win for losing. Either we're too involved or we're not involved enough. Of course when parental involvement is "just right!" we're talking about people who do it just like us.

Bah.

[thecheckbook]

I know my daughter loves me but she is sick of the sound of my voice. I'm no longer able to be a helicopter mom.

[dbwes]

Continuing to ask for parent's advice and sharing details of child's life -- that to me is great. Making calls FOR the child to advisors, admissions committees, potential employers -- not so much.
Though someone up above had a good point when they said "who you know" is how the world works and people "make calls" for other people all the time.

[elizabethh]

"As the wife and mother of ADD men I have become, like the professor's wife above, a bit of an enabler/helicopter for my spouse and child because I really see that there are limits to how much they can manage without a loving secretary behind them to keep the critical things from slipping through the cracks"

I too, am a bit of an enabler, more for my son than my husband - but both have ADD, and it takes a lot of work to keep everyone organized and focused...some would say that I am the ultimate helicopter mom, actually helping my son with filling out his college apps, presenting him with choices, and keeping track of everything during this difficult process - but I know that it would completely overwhelm him to have to think so much about it, along with school, football practice, and the rest of his very busy life. He will be ready to be on his own when he goes to college because we are easing him into it, but I have had to defend my way of doing things to well-meaning friends who don't understand how truly chaotic the life of someone with ADD can be.

[atomom]

"Enabler"? --Ouch!

"Research Assistant" -- I like it! I think I've found my new job title!

[TheGFG]

My oldest has always been mature for his age, as well as very responsible and hardworking. He grew up rather uneventfully and pulled away from me in a respectful, gradual way that made it so easy for me to also gradually back off. I think we have a healthy and appropriate relationship now.

I'm finding the second child to be a different can of worms entirely. It's much easier to back off when a kid shows you s/he is mature and competent. It's much harder when the child demands independence, but lacks time management and organizational skills, or good judgment. When do you let him/her fall, and when are the stakes just too high to risk that and so you become their safety net? I don't know the answer.

[missypie]

A parent called one of our advisors and said "my daughter has an appointment with you in an hour and I want to talk to you before she gets there about the courses she will take next semester."

This weekend I got way more involved in what course smy son would be taking next semester than I intended. He dutifully made an appointment with his advisor who cut the appointment short and left him with a "list" of two courses he should take that met any kind or requirement...had I left it to son + advisor, he would have been taking 3 courses that met NO requirements - not gen ed, not major, not minor. His advisor doesn't care if he has to spend an extra semester or year in college; he doesn't particularly care. I'M the lone who cares deeply because I can't/won't pay for it. I don't call that being a helicopter. I call that looking after my own financial interests.

[Inthebiz]

missypie I understand what you're saying and I know there are some lousy advisors out there. It's more than appropriate for you to talk to your son about his courses, about his requirements, about the need for him to graduate in 4 years. (I've had these discussions with my own kids.)

BUT, as I tell my kids, it is their responsibility to negotiate this stuff at school. They need to talk to their advisor. If they are not satisfied with their advisor, they need to talk to the advisor's boss. (There have been a couple of occasions when they've done just that.) It is not appropriate for me to call their advisor and, as is the interpretation of FERPA at most schools, their advisor would not talk to me even if I did call.

My job, as I see it, is to help my children become independent through guidance and support. Not to run interference with their advisors, professors, roommates, etc.

[missypie]

I didn't talk to the advisor or anyone at the school - just spent the hours on the computer necessary to find a couple of open classes that would fullfill some requirement or another. Son is way ADD and could not/would not have spent the time.

[mom2collegekids]

Elizabeth...

I completely understand. We have similar ADD issues in our home. I had to be the "research assistant" and "project advisor" to the whole college application process.

Some kids can manage the whole thing themselves (and do a great job), but I would argue that most kids can't because either they make naive mistakes or the whole process is too overwhelming (while managing high school demands).

[Kei-o-lei]

'rentof2 said: "I've read so many posts and so many articles about "helicoptering" that I've finally realized the definition of helicoptering is any parent who does more for their kid than you do for your own"

hahahaha

I gotta say, thought, that you missed the point; there is no solid objective measure of helicoptering

a helicopter parent is one who does too much for their kids, and that varies by
+ kid's age and maturity
+ the family's style
+ the kid's own need for autonomy
+ the parent's need to hang on to the kid

kinda like what Justice Stewart said about porn: you know helicoptering when you see it!!

Kei

[Inthebiz]

^^^

Absolutely! I wouldn't expect my 8th grader to deal on his own with bad advice from a guidance counselor as I do expect my college-aged children to do.

And I have different expectations for each of my kids . . . they have different skills and different needs.

[MagnoliaMom]

"Research Assistant"...simply perfect! My daughter has even said before, thanks, mom for the benefit of your research skills!

I agree with the frustration over advisors, especially if they have a dual/double major going. I've known more than one student who went an extra semester because they ended up one course short of graduation requirements. DD is a senior on track to graduate in May with dual degrees - one of the majors discontinued a course requirement about a year ago because they combined the course with another course but no further requirements were put into place. A few weeks ago the dept sent out an email (after classes had already started) stating that in lieu of the discontinued course requirement, a substitute course must be taken with only a couple of choices. One of the options is a course with classroom capacity of about 12 spots, not even close to handling the number of kids trying to graduate. Things worked out for DD because she has priority scheduling so she will take it in spring but there are others who have a problem now, out of no fault of their own. It's just crazy.

The course requirements have gotten alot more complicated than they were when I was in college too. It's a good thing DD doesn't need me for guidance in scheduling because I fear wouldn't be much help with that. I'm better at pure research! Ha

[fauve]

I've always considered myself more of a spritely, two-seater news chopper than a huge noisy, lumbering military Chinook. I like to swoop in to see the occasional major-developing story, but avoid constant daily intelligence-gathering missions.

[elizabethh]

Fauve, that is priceless! Atomom - you're right, enabler is probably a bit too strong.

Is helping your child navigate the college apps any worse than hiring a professional? I don't think so.

I have had to advocate for my son frequently at our very large public high school. He is fortunate to have a wonderful guidance counselor, but even she can't keep up with everything, since she has 600 kids to worry about. Just a few weeks ago, when my son had a problem in his Anatomy class, I asked if the teacher if he had seen the 504 plan for my son, and the teacher replied "I can't keep track of 240 students." So sad but true, I suppose. So, call me a helicopter, a fighter jet, or anything else you want...I will continue to help my son to be the best he can be.

Two years ago when my D went through the process of applying, I did virtually nothing. She, of course, doesn't have ADD.