time to power down the helicopter?

anothermom2 · 11-02-2009, 07:55 PM

New York Times Education Section

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/01/ed...tml?ref=edlife

“People go to business school to learn to lead other people,” says Mr. Bolton, who views the application process as a proxy for the rest of life. “And if they’re not taking ownership of the application process, it makes you wonder — is this person going to take ownership in life, without someone pushing him or her?”

That is, if they can’t apply without Mommy, how will they hold a quarterly earnings conference call with hostile investors, or argue a case in front of a judge?

This is talking about grad school applicants. However, I can't help thinking of a number of young thirtysomethings that I know that are finished with professional school and still are still getting directions from parents (most often Mother) on everything. Such a change from most folks I knew back in the day.

momofthreeboys · 11-02-2009, 08:14 PM

I cannot for the life of me understand why a parent would be involved in any aspect of their offspring picking, applying and enrolling in a grad school although I guess in this day and age their are parents paying for grad schools. Not so much when I grew up and won't happen for my kids.

wis75 · 11-02-2009, 09:04 PM

Yikes- and I let my 16 year old handle getting to classes without a wakeup call and other stuff when he was a college freshman (I worried, but he did fine away from us). We talk to him- usually briefly- once a week, he must be doing fine since he's made it this far. Pampered him by driving him from home to the out of town GRE last summer so he didn't have to (being nervous doesn't always make for the best driving). We remind our college senior that the grad school apps have deadlines coming up (he was one of those doing college apps the night they were due), but may find out where he applys only if he uses the credit card for the fees. Send emails telling him to consult with people on campus regarding where to apply (knowing his independence I worry that he won't ask). And I'll bet he thinks we are interfering too much... We'll see about helping him move when the time comes, probably will. That's my idea of being very involved.

momofthreeboys · 11-02-2009, 09:44 PM

Sorry about the typo, I'm helping my youngest fix his "theirs and theres" and lo and behold I typo-ed and too late to edit.

'rentof2 · 11-02-2009, 09:50 PM

I've read so many posts and so many articles about "helicoptering" that I've finally realized the definition of helicoptering is any parent who does more for their kid than you do for your own.

It's wildly elastic... and its intrinsic interest so utterly exhausted by this point that I wish the media would latch onto its next pet buzz word VERY soon!

marite · 11-02-2009, 09:53 PM

"Behind every successful man is a supportive woman." Wasn't that what was said of politicians' wives? It used to be that mom' helicoptering was replaced by wife's hovering (or do I mean nagging?) in short order. I've known quite a few very successful men who could not pick what to wear in the morning.
My own advisor was so totally clueless without his wife that his students would call her to make an appointment with him. She'd write them down in her diary and remind him of his appointments. He was invited to all sorts of international conferences--and she was invited along as those who issued the invitation knew better than ask him to come alone. But he had a brilliant mind.

mathmom · 11-02-2009, 09:55 PM

I could use a wife like that!

sryrstress · 11-02-2009, 09:56 PM

^Agreed to post 5. Sometimes I think the biggest complainers are the folks who couldn't get their own engines started to do any parenting at all! There's a huge chasm between mommy doing it all and not even knowing what classes your kid is taking in HS. (yeah, I've ran into a lot more of those parents than you could imagine--needless to say, education is NOT a high priority in my neck of the woods

mom2collegekids · 11-02-2009, 09:57 PM

Until my parents got to be in their 80s and became more forgetful, I routinely consulted with my parents about all sorts of things from which is the best lawnmower to buy or which is the better way to invest money or "what's that noise my washing machine is making"? LOL

But, I think that's the Italian in us.

mom2collegekids · 11-02-2009, 09:59 PM

sryr...

I actually know a mom who hasn't looked at her kids' report cards since they started middle school. Weird.

Lafalum84 · 11-02-2009, 10:07 PM

I once sat next to a mom at a softball game who spent a good 10 minutes complaining non-stop about the middle school - the administration was incompetent, the teachers were idiots, etc. I was surprised, because we'd had a wonderful experience with my 2 kids at that school. So I asked the mom, "Who are your daughter's teachers?" She replied, "Oh, I have no idea. That's my daughter's job to know that, not mine." (long pause) I guess she didn't see the disconnect there....

I have put my helicpoter on a leash - it still hovers around our house and my hs senior, but it can't travel to S's college. He is going abroad next semester, and apparently there is a LOT of DETAILED paperwork needed for the program, to get the Visa, for his home college, etc. My contribution to this has been: to send the signed, notarized letters that he was REQUIRED to have signed BY HIS PARENTS & notarized, to transfer $$ into his checking account to reimburse him for deposits and fees that he initially paid, and to suggest that he create a spreadsheet to track everything so that nothing falls thru the cracks. If he ever gives me dates, I'll buy his plane tickets. But as to where is housing is, what classes he will take, getting a cell phone, seeing that paperwork is submitted and following up.... that's all him.

I must say, its kinda nice.

'rentof2 · 11-02-2009, 10:44 PM

I think families have different styles. Some stay more involved later than others. It really isn't any of MY business. There are consequences for a student when there is too little involvement and consequences when there it too much. Usually people are on a broad spectrum of involvement that makes sense for *them* with no ill consequences at all... and if there are any consequences they're usually subtle enough to only be known to the people involved.

As to calling out other people for being more involved with their kids than I am with mine... I only have to keep in mind the people who'd be calling me out because I'm more involved with mine than they are with theirs.

I'm all for retiring the word "helicopter" on CC.

Son of Opie · 11-02-2009, 11:49 PM

I still ask my folks for advice, because they're much older than me. If I try and go through life making all my own mistakes, it'll take a long time. I'm doing my own thing, but it's helpful to have people who have my interests in mind giving free counsel.

mom2collegekids · 11-03-2009, 03:31 AM

>>>>
I still ask my folks for advice, because they're much older than me. If I try and go through life making all my own mistakes, it'll take a long time. I'm doing my own thing, but it's helpful to have people who have my interests in mind giving free counsel.
<<<<

Exactly. I contrast my H's family with mine. My family routinely consults with each other about various things - child rearing, fixing broken dryers, investment opportunities, best cars to buy, how to get various odd stains out of clothes,

. We share info to help others avoid mistakes we've made and to avoid making additional mistakes. It's not unusual to open our email and see a family-wide-sent question. We do this to also avoid unnecessary mistakes.

Contrast that with my H's family. His family thinks it's a sign of weakness to ask others' opinions first. No one ever consults anyone about anything. Many avoidable mistakes, many stupid money decisions (purchasing a liquor store in a super high-crime area), many horrendous decisions (such as a SIL who kept a vicious dog who ended up hurting a neighbor's child! Many surgeries needed! Awful!!!), etc. Every disaster occurred because no one ever asked anyone, "do you think this is a good idea?" or "Do you see any risks if I do this?" Instead they all act as if they just had "bad luck." ::eyes roll::

Thankfully, H sees the high risk involved with his family's approach. He began consulting with my family even before we got married.

fineartsmajormom · 11-03-2009, 07:45 AM

I once heard an interview with a man who works with ADD kids and who is himself, ADD. He said that these kids need to develop strategies to help them cope with organizational issues, parents must let them stumble and fail sometimes and this will help succeed to manage their ADD. However, in the end he said that the most important decision in his life was to marry a wonderful, supportive, well organized woman. As the wife and mother of ADD men I have become, like the professor's wife above, a bit of an enabler/helicopter for my spouse and child because I really see that there are limits to how much they can manage without a loving secretary behind them to keep the critical things from slipping through the cracks. Luckily son seems to be attracted to well-organized and ambitious girls so like father like son....