A thought about the on vs. off campus

[ebeeeee]

As many of you know since you heard about it via posts last year my DS moved into an off campus apartment in September. He is living in a studio and right after moving in broke up with his girlfriend.
There are always posts about on vs. off campus. Cost, safety, etc.
Last night I had a conversation with DS. I had the feeling he was having a rough semester. He told me that he felt like he was just now finding his ground again. His grades have been great and he is involved in mentoring freshmen so fall is always busy. But, what he said was that the whole not being in a campus apartment where he was right on campus, had a great kitchen, dishwasher, etc. has been a struggle. He is living about 15 miles by T (subway) from campus. This is an apartment he chose and he chose to live alone.
While on campus in the apartment he was fairly independent. Had groceries delivered, went grocery shopping, did a lot of his own cooking.
The adjustment has been both being more isolated geographically and emotionally from the campus. Many friends are off campus but it requires a lot more effort to get together with them. He told me "I'm glad I went through this now because if I had done this at the same time as my first out of college job I don't think I would have made it."
I reminded him that I always say my hardest year was that first one out of college. Living in an area where I knew no one, not being surrounded by a bunch of other people my age, etc.
Anyway, thought I would share this perspective since fairly soon kids will start lobbying their parents to live off campus or will be looking at graduation.

[edad]

My D moved out of the dorms after her sophomore year. She and her potential roommates originally looked at apartments about a 20 minute walk from campus. Fortunately she listened to our opinions and convinced her roommates to find an apartment closer. She is now in her 3rd year living 1 block from campus. She is able to easily attend on campus events and is close enough to be able to walk home safely at night. I think moving out of the dorms was very positive but staying close was even a better choice.

[JHS]

My kids have far preferred living off campus to living on campus, but they lived in apartments shared with other students, in student ghettos within easy walking distance to their campus. (Although my daughter prided herself on living "in a real building, with real people, who have jobs, children, and pets," not an all-student building.) The main attraction was more and prettier space, and better food, for thousands of dollars less, and also less noise/distraction. They had no problems maintaining a social life, some of which revolved around dinner parties where the occupants of one apartment would cook for two or three other nearby apartments on a rotating basis. They spent most of their time on campus. They enjoyed food shopping from time to time. They encountered none of the problems described above. But I wouldn't have encouraged them to do what ebeeee's son did -- live alone a long way from campus. You would have to expect some alienation there.

[ebeeeee]

Definitely living further off is more isolating. He really wanted to live alone and chose this apartment. He wasn't dating when he chose it so that wasn't the motivation. In the end, it has all been positive. He feels he has really had a chance to mature. He told me recently, "I like living alone. I think it suits me." In another call described sitting out on his fire escape reading the new Dan Brown book and smoking a cigar. (sounds just like his Dad there.)
The learning curve and adjustment has been big but I felt it was a positive in taking steps toward adult independence....

[momlove]

Thanks for sharing your son's experiences, ebeeeee. My son is just now a freshman, so I like to tuck things like this away in the back of my mind for the future.

In college, I attended a commuter college and very few people lived on campus. I agree that it is much more difficult to have the sense of community and support when everyone is so spread out. The break up with his girlfriend just added a layer of stress and adjustment to the situation. Best of luck to him. Your son sounds like a very mature and perceptive young man.

[kathiep]

Good post ebeeee (hmm, is that 4 e's??) I think the combination of distance and living in a single is particularly isolating. My senior son is off campus in a house with two roommates about 2 miles from campus and the guys do a lot together. Very different then living alone.

[ebeeeee]

it's five e's but who is counting? I'm not sure what I was thinking with that screen name should have quit at 2 es....it's a long story.

[Marian]

Both of my kids have lived off campus, but always with roommates and within easy walking distance of campus. Both were/are happy with the arrangements.

There are certain disadvantages, though, even to such seemingly convenient off-campus living. Yesterday, the Postal Service tried to deliver a registered letter to my daughter at her off-campus apartment. Nobody was home, and it must be signed for. If she had been living in a dorm, the service desk people would have taken care of this. As it is, she has to choose between taking a taxi to a distant post office on Saturday (her class schedule doesn't permit it today) or staying home all day Saturday to wait for the letter to be redelivered.

Living off-campus with no car can be a bit awkward, even if you are close to campus. You're usually not close to other things that you may need (such as the post office where your registered letter is being held).

[ucsd_ucla_dad]

ebeeee:
Since he's in an apartment he should be pretty mobile with the exception of the lease. Has he considered just finding a place much closer to campus - preferably within walking distance or at least just a few minute bike or public transport distance?

My kids have lived off campus in apartments but within walking distance or a very short shuttle ride to campus. Since the apartments were so close to the large campuses they were in areas largely populated by other students living off campus. I think they'd consider it to be the best of both worlds - getting to live in a larger space with their own room plus a kitchen, etc. yet still close enough to campus as to not present too many logistical issues or the feeling of isolation.

[oldfort]

D1 will be living off campus for the first time this spring. She was going to go in with 8 other girls in a house. I advised to get an apartment in town, closer to the campus. The apartment building she'll be in only rent out to kids from her school, so it's basically no different than a dorm. I may even have her sign up for a meal plan at school so she wouldn't be stressed out about food.

[PackMom]

Both my S's moved off campus after freshman yr. Both liked it infinitely better than the dorms. S1 was first in an apt. (four miles away)then moved to a house within walking distance of the univ. S2 currently lives in a "student ghetto"..love that term JHS...just two blocks fr. campus. Each had/has three roommates plus a revolving assortment of friends hanging out there. The houses are dumpy, dirty and look like a strong wind could blow them over but the kids think they are great. It has been good for both to have to be responsible for getting the bills paid on time every month.

[somemom]

My DD graduated last spring and moved to a new town in June. She really had an eye opener in adapting to life as a grown-up and finding friends without a built-in cohort.

She had lived off-campus for 3 years in student group houses, etc, so she knew all about bill paying, etc., but finding friends in a new situation was a bit scary. She was mature enough to understand it, but it was still awkward for a few weeks for a very social kid.

And then, like the living large/ living small thread, it is funny to hear her talk about her new friends and the ones she learns are not worth the investment of time and which ones are.

[calmom]

It sounds like your son's choice to live alone is part of the problem. My daughter is now living alone in a studio about 6 blocks from campus -- in her case, it is actually college-owned housing and most of the apartments in the building are student-occupied. Even so, it is isolating. She's a senior and she has lived alone before, in situations even more isolating -- and she is very sociable and outgoing, so I think she is enjoying her solitude -- but I don't think I would have wanted to see her living along younger. (The studio apartments are reserved for seniors -- for a 21-year-old in her final year of college, it might make a very nice transition to the more independent lifestyle she is soon to lead).

I actually lived alone a block from campus when I was in law school -- but when I finished school and rented an apartment in the city where I worked, I was not happy alone, and ended up moving to shared housing with roommates. I felt it was harder without the built-in social connections of a college campus -- much more enjoyable (and cheaper) to have my own large bedroom in a house or apartment shared with other young adults.

[JHS]

My daughter is going through that now. She lived off-campus for three years, but always with a friend, and her life revolved around campus anyway. Then she graduated and moved to a new city. She found an affordable place in a cute apartment in a great neighborhood. All very exciting, exactly what she wanted to do, etc. Not only that, but two of her closest friends from college recently got an apartment about three blocks away.

But . . . she doesn't know her new roommates well, and they don't seem interested in socializing together, or with her. Both are a little older and in different social circumstances. She has a demanding job, and an hour's commute either way; her friends have three part-time jobs apiece and are hustling all the time (and also romantically involved and living together for the first time, so maybe a little cocooning going on). At work, she is five years younger than the next youngest set of co-workers, and all of them live miles in the other direction. There is some Friday-afternoon having-a-drink-together, but not more than that. I know she is feeling a little lonely and adrift, because she has phoned us just to chat more in the last month than she did all last year.

[kathiep]

I don't think that ebeee posted to ask for advice, more of a wake up call/warning for parents of students whose kids want to live off campus next year.