The backlash against over-parenting (Time magazine)

[tokenadult]

The backlash against over-parenting - TIME

"Overparenting had been around long before Douglas MacArthur's mom Pinky moved with him to West Point in 1899 and took an apartment near the campus, supposedly so she could watch him with a telescope to be sure he was studying. But in the 1990s something dramatic happened, and the needle went way past the red line."

What do you think? Would you let your child ride a New York City subway alone at age nine?

[Naturally]

I don't know whether I, personally, would let a nine year old ride the NY subway.

But I certainly wouldn't say someone is irresponsible if they chose to let their kid do that. I took the city bus to school when I was about that age.

I also had a lot of "unstructured" free time as a kid when I was free to ramble, and I'm grateful for that.

[hayze]

although the times are certainly different, when you grow up in NYC you learn very early how to use public transportation. I rode a city bus to junior high. I walked 3 blocks, got on the bus and got off 20 minutes later in front of the Burger King- then I walked another block to school. I was 11. I did the entire thing in reverse on the way home. The yellow school bus was no longer available after 5th grade.

[momofthreeboys]

I hate to admit it but I've underparented for years. My mom nashes her teeth and worries and frets over me daily (a 1950s version of a helicopter mom, yes and I talk to her once a day - I'm 53). I presume that my free range attitude came from being helicoptered by my mother. My husband was a 1960s latchkey kid as his father died when he was young and his mom worked full time so he never, ever was helicoptered and thinks we're doing a fine job with our kids. A couple years ago there was a link in the parents forum to gage your "helicoptering". I never responded to the thread because I came back "need to helicopter more." Hence my vice of CC it "feeds" my innate insecurity about underparenting and a "allows" me to live vicariously. I have B+ kids who take AP classes, who are ready to leave home at 18 and can't fill in all the blanks on the College Profile because they don't have all those ECs and I rarely step foot in the high school. They rarely get sick probably from the dirt and germ exposure at a young age and they have all broken a bone or two. Yikes, although on some level the Time article tells me I'm in good company these days! Yipee.

[mom2collegekids]

I was allowed to walk to kindergarten without an adult, but that was in the 60s. Now, I wouldn't let a child under 12 or so walk anywhere by himself or take the subway.

[Booklady]

Like hayze, I grew up taking the public bus to school in NYC, starting in 5th grade. I had a two-block walk to the bus stop, and then another 5 blocks to school after I got off. I did this from 1967 until 1975, which was a much more dangerous time in the city...and I had an overprotective mother. We don't live there anymore, but if my children had the same commute I would certainly let them do it.

[mythmom]

At five I walked to kindergarten in Queens by myself. I was expected to latch onto an older kid.

I did fine, but I was afraid and alienated.

Later when we moved to the suburbs my mom was the only one who let her kids walk to school in the pouring rain. We lived too close for the bus. I sure felt woebegone as the other parents whished by. Sometimes the puddles splashed back on us.

None of the other parents would pick us up to teach my MOM a lesson. Hey, she wasn't getting wet.

She claimed that she was building stronger adults. I just felt unloved. Now I think she was just lazy.

I probably was a little overprotective, but DD went to school in Manhattan and learned to navigate just fine. Went everywhere by herself, even a semester in London which wasn't a program. She applied directly into a British university and went over herself and set up her flat pretty much alone.

DS is at a rural LAC but has my old clunker and has learned to navigate by himself.

It's good to know that my reaction to my mother didn't cripple them for good.

They're off and independent. So am I.

So maybe all healthy people steer toward independence and the path doesn't matter all that much.

Still, my kids have often expressed the sentiment that it was nice to know they were loved. They were very kind to me and didn't resent my zealousness.

[geomom]

Despite being handicapped by helicoptering, Douglas MacArthur managed to help win a war, and turn Japan into a peaceful and democratic country. Imagine what he could have done if his mom was a little more hands-off and he grew up with some "real" life skills. Then again, it doesn't get much realer than that!

[Modadunn]

Just to clarify on the subway at 9 story. They had traveled the route many times, had a check in system and the child had begged to do it. She said it might not be right for every child, but it was right for this child.

Truthfully, I think a lot of parents on CC could stand to take a reality check into some of this. I loved the line that went something like grown ups take over everything. All you have to do is read the threads on conservative and drinking culture to know that parents don't trust their kids that much because they've been making every decision and scheduling every minute of their kids' childhoods.

I loved this article.

The best thing our school promotes is parental hands off when it comes to the classroom. I loved looking at science projects that were clearly done by the kids themselves. There was a brief big push from some that we should have some portal so parents could view every test, quiz and tardies of their kids. It is my feeling that everyone deserves a bad day. The way the curriculum is structured is busy enough so that you can't do it all perfectly every day. It teaches prioritizing and resiliency. AND yes, some days you have to choose whether you'll ace a quiz or finish a paper. Frankly, it lets me off the hook AND sets up real life.

[lololu]

I have wondered about the children of helicopter parents. Can they really be leaders, independent learners, responsible citizens? All the things I want my children to be are based on them being confident of their ability to control their own life.

When my children started pre-school I made it clear to them that this was their world, that they were in charge. When I would be in the pre-school classroom I would let my child led the way -- I asked him "Where do I hang up my coat? Where do I sit? Can you introduce me to the teacher (even though I had already met her)?" By third grade S1 told me I didn't need to come to school anymore, the teacher could handle it by herself. With middle school i was told that only dweeb's parents still volunteered at the school. Don't even ask about High School. I let them take the lead. Don't get me wrong, they always knew that if they needed us, we as parents were there, but we let them take the lead in their own lives. Did they make mistakes? Yes, but they learned from them and rarely made the same mistake twice.

I have a theory on growing up that really informed my child rearing practices. When you are born you are responsible for nothing. Some one carries you, feeds you, etc. As you grow, you learn to be responsible for your self, you learn to walk, to dress yourself, to make your own decisions. The next stage is learning to be responsible TO someone else -- this is when you learn to be a partner. You learn that you do not control the other person, but what you do effects your partner and you have to take that into account when making decisions. Third, is learning to be responsible FOR someone. For most people this is parenthood, and I used to think that this was the end of the process, but as I grew I realized that there are two more stages. Fourth is learning to let go, to let that person be responsible for themselves. And lastly (and I hope this come very near to end of my life) is learning to relinquish some responsibility to someone else. These stages can overlap and the timing may be different for everyone, but if you rush the process or try to delay is when things go wrong. Helicopter parents are really trying to avoid that fourth stage and it is detrimental to both their child's and their own growth.

So far, both my sons have grown up to be confident strong people. They make good decisions and are sure of their ability to run their own lives. I think they are well on their way,

[CollegeDadX3]

I find this topic very interesting, but I come at it from a teacher's viewpoint. My wife and I are both high school teachers in a poor rural district. I would kill for more helicopter parents! I feel I am more of a parent than I am a teacher recently. It seems so few parents are involved in their kid's lives that I spend a ton of time doing "parent things". While I know some parents go too far, I would rather have that "too far" than "not at all"! Kids are starving for attention today, you have no idea. The smallest kind word goes a mile. I wish I had a dollar for every time one of my students said, "I wish my parents cared for me like you do about your kids." Just food for thought.

[momofthreeboys]

Yes, but there is a huge difference between being engaged with your child without helicoptering and micromanaging. We have wonderful dinner conversations, I know "who" my kids' teachers are, I know how my kids are performing in school and what's going on. I don't e-mail/talk/visit the high school/bring them items they have forgotten/arrange for specific teachers/hound their coaches....it's not an all or nothing proposition. That said, coming from a family of teachers I do understand that their are parents who could spend more time doing "parent" things just as their are parents who are way too involved.

[deb922]

My Dad grew up in a family that wasn't very functional to say the least. At 7 his mom would put him on a train by himself to go visit his uncle. The uncle would not be at the train station and my dad would walk to his house. AT 7! He said that the train porters were nice and took care of him.

I can't imagine. We would be calling CPS if this happened today.

Maybe shows like Criminal Minds have influenced how we perceive things today.

[Queen's Mom]

I will confess that several times when he had morning meetings and was running late my H put D (who was 8 at the time) on a subway train which D would take to her school (the train stopped half a block away). Usually he took her door to door.

I will also confess that when I was 5 yo, I took public transportation alone to my Grandma's job at the beach.

[osdad]

We’re involved but always on the periphery; booster club, volunteer aid (when kids were very young), cookies for bake sale, etc. We attend all the plays and athletic events and cheer from the bleachers. I’ve never spoken to a coach about tactics, philosophy, or playing time. We do go to open house and report card night, and do speak with teachers. We have never had a separate meeting with any teacher. (No, I take that back. When DS was in 2nd grade – having just moved to TN, we asked for a meeting because he was having trouble understanding the teacher. When the VP joined us and introduced herself putting 2 syllables each in “ball” and “hill” and 3 in “evening” we knew we were in for a long meeting… DS was enrolled in the magnet school the next year…)

Regarding walking to school; I certainly did in LA but admit times are different. In our sweet little town there’s little reason at least some of the kids can’t walk to/from but almost none do. In one case – and this is not anecdotal - the little ones get on a bus, it leaves the parking lot with police stopping traffic, turns left and goes 75 feet to the first stop –yes, 75 feet! To make matters even more ludicrous, the dear one’s moms are waiting there to escort them down the cul-de-sac!