DistantDreamer

What is one really important piece of advice that you would give to someone considering to apply to boarding school (for 9th grade) that you wish you had known when you applied?

I’m just looking for random advice. Anything that strikes you as important but it isn’t discussed as much here on the forums.

mountainhiker

Be yourself. Don't try to figure out what a particular school is looking for and project yourself somehow as that "ideal" applicant.

Of course - be your very "best" self. Make sure your application highlights your own unique strengths. Every single part of your application should tell the same story and reflect on who you are. The person interviewing you should get the same "feel" for who you are as the person reading your essays and your recommendations. They should somehow all paint a true and consistent picture of who you are, and what you would bring to a school, and how attending that school could help make you the best "self" you could be.

The first step is to really and truly understand what YOU want in a boarding school experience. So many of the "chance me" threads I scan on this forum have a similar list of acronym schools, and I suspect that list of schools is often chosen because they're viewed as "the best" somehow, or "prestigious," or "famous," or what have you. But each and everyone of those schools is different in some way, and has attributes that favor different kinds of students.

The key questions you need to ask yourself are: "WHY do you want to attend a school? What makes it appeal to you? What do YOU bring to that school that no one else can bring?" Trust me, the admissions officer and the admissions committee are going to be asking themselves those questions while they're interviewing you, or reviewing your application. If you can't present an honest, compelling answer to those questions, you're a.) applying to the wrong school, and b.)greatly reducing your chance of acceptance.

SevenDad

I will pass on a word of advice that other parents gave to me: Don't fall in love with a school until you are/your child is admitted.

And the corollary: Love the school that loves you.

Here's where this comes into play...right now, there are a few "I just visited /got the view book for Exoverhotchton Academy and I loved it...it's the only school I want to go to!" type posts on the forum (and there will be more).

And the related (and soon to be appearing on the forums) idea that "While I applied to 5 schools, I only really want to go to Exoverhotchton. I think my interview went very well, so I think my chances are good."

You can see the amount of disappointment that might result from this kind of thinking.
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Here are my own two pieces of advice for this years applicant class & their parents:

First, be very realistic about your/your child's strengths and weaknesses. Keep in mind that he/she/you will be competing for a limited number of slots against an field of smart/sporty/artsy/etc. kids from around the globe. I hope that this candid assessment/self-assessment will lead to a wider net of "apply to" schools than you had when you started out.

Second (and it's related to the first), everyone — no matter how strong your "stats" — would be well served by exploring a wider range of schools than you initially planned on. A wider range of schools than "Exeter, Andover, Hotchkiss, Deerfield, St. Paul's, Groton, and Choate". A wider range than those 3 New England schools your uncle's cousin's neighbor said are the "only ones worth going to".

Initially, I thought my daughter would apply to Exeter (her godfather and her sisters godfather are both grads), Groton (more intimate, and almost mythical to me in terms of what little I knew about it), and Choate (my brother did a summer session there and liked it). We visited all + another 5, and NONE of these schools made it to final apply to list. She did end up only applying to 3 (and was admitted at 2), but all three were carefully vetted for fit AND we have several solid day schools in our area to fall back upon.

For those who haven't seen this thread, I documented my daughter's application process here:
One family’s BS search and application process — start to finish

muf123

Hang around an athletic event and watch the students off the field.

2prepMom

Visit the schools.

They sound a lot alike on paper, but feel and fit are highly variable. Several came off our list (as in how fast could we run) after visiting. Others surprisingly rose to the top. If you live close by, several visits are better than one. This is 4 years of your life and a major investment of time and money.

ChoatieMom

This thought is for parents, but may strike a chord with kids, too. Though it seems obvious, the reality didn’t fully hit us until DS came home this past summer after finishing his first year– he’s never really coming home again. Everyone here (me included) talks about how the kids really aren’t gone that long between breaks and a visit from you on Parents Weekend, but the fact is that they are basically on a college schedule and will probably never again occupy your home full time. We all plan for that when they leave for college, but I didn’t truly understand what the in-your-face reality of sending my 14-year-old far away would look or feel like. I’m telling you this as an older parent who is known in my circles as the least controlling, least clingy, least “mother-type” of the bunch. I had absolutely no qualms about BS last year, not one. I didn’t cry at drop-off and, although I missed him, I placed that emotional cost below the value of the education and experience he was enjoying—and still do.

But here’s the thing. This summer, it really hit me that even though he’ll be dropping in for brief periods, he’s basically gone for good. At 14. At 15. Earlier than (it turns out) I was ready for. Sooner than I thought. Our family dynamic has changed forever. Now. Not later. He had an internship this summer that was basically a full-time job. It seems we barely saw him before he was back at school. I realize that that precious room at the end of the hall is basically just a guest room now, a place for him to land occasionally on his flight toward the true independence of his adult life.

I also realize that every child and every family is different. The way your family “connects” may not seem so interrupted by BS. Your child may not be quite as independent as mine; when s/he’s home, s/he may be truly “yours”, and your old family life resumes as though s/he never left. That is not what happened to us.

So, what’s the advice in this commentary? To parents who may be sending kids more than a drive away, I’d say to think carefully about ALL the ways remote BS could/will affect your family, not just the terrific education it will provide your student. This is not a warning; we would embark again, but I wish I had better understood during the decision process the magnitude of this change, how much we would miss, so perhaps it wouldn’t have hit me so hard when the light bulb finally did go on. Then again, maybe it’s just not possible to understand this until you experience it, and maybe sooner is better than later. I’m not sure. I had no tears then but plenty of hidden tears now; only our cat understands. I wonder if I had known how big this hole in my heart could get, if I would have made a more selfish decision…

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On the other hand, to applicants, I say that if you think you’re ready for all that BS offers—go for it! Your parents will adjust.

Really.

Sniff.

Sitekey

@choatiemom...powerful, absolutely powerful. I must've read your post ten times. Thank you for sharing your heart. You have put into words what many of us feel in our hearts. Bless you.

wcmom1958

@Choatiemom: I agree with Sitekey and for the uumpteenth time LOVE your writing.

Had I read this before sending the kids off it might have truly given me pause. While we did return to family normal this summer, I am reminded, yet again this fall, that I can't see the play/cheer the meet/proofread the college app, etc. We wouldn't trade the education the kids are getting for the world, but if we had local options we would probably not be able to maintain this for the long haul. Older child left for BS as an almost 16 yr old who had tried the local Public and chosen to leave. Younger child left as a just 14 yr old who we didn't want getting caught up in the local social scene (or the classes of 50+). It was easier with the older child, but the finality is there, nonetheless. As I watch my peers adjust now to having their child go off to college I am reminded of how hard the transition is, and yes, it IS harder when they're younger.

So my advice, like that of others, is that while it's easy to get caught up in the race to "get in," try to think down the road about whether your enthusiasm is sustainable. Like any decision, try not to be impulsive. Is this a healthy main course or just that chocolate mousse that you may be sorry you fell for?

ChoatieMom

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful comments and PMs. I appreciate all of them.

I’m not sure my post clearly conveyed the subtle distinction between the nine-month empty house that is the obvious result of your child going away to school and the realization that your child may never occupy your house full-time again. The first is the immediate effect for which there is much advance notice, preparation, and advice; the second is a corollary not covered in the handbook and never discussed outright anywhere I’ve looked. I’ve posted about how I often wander into my child’s room, finger his things, and miss him while I imagine what amazing thing he might be doing or learning at the moment, as I’m sure many of you do, too. But in those moments, I’m also thinking about how soon I’ll see him again; I’m never thinking about the permanence of this pattern. To me, it’s a subtle but devastating distinction that I did not clearly understand when we were dancing around the acceptance letter or clinking our martini glasses in the charming town pub after drop-off.

In between those wistful trips to his room, I enjoyed a lot of “me” time last year. DS is our only child, and DH travels most of the week so, for the first time in 14 years, I had my old life back, and much of the time I was enjoying the freedom thinking that I had the best of all worlds; I could live my adult life unencumbered by much parenting while my child was getting a world-class education, and we would all get to go back to our wonderful family dynamic in the summer with our “kid”. Then, DS came home, worked all summer on an internship that even took him out of town for a while, and was gone again. I felt cheated somehow, and I wasn’t sure why. I felt that I had lost something important, that something was taken from me when I wasn’t looking, that something hadn’t worked the way it was supposed to.

Slowly, it dawned on me that there was nothing wrong with what had happened or what he had done, but this is the way it’s going to be from now on. When I agreed to BS, I was also implicitly agreeing to let him go, really go, not really live here anymore. Now I get that, but I feel that all I have is an amethyst remembrance.

I held a Jewel in my fingers - Poem by Emily Dickinson

Are you really ready for this?

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Cross-posted with WCMOM who said this well:

chukkerhead

Don't visit on a day when school is not in session. It is really important to get an idea of the school's culture. I only wanted a school with no Saturday classes but visited schools on Saturday so I wouldn't miss school and my parents could come. Alll the schools were dead and the only student impressions I made were the ones I got from my tour guides. I ended up at the only school I applied to with Saturday classes with many of the things I said I didn't want initially. Yet I love my school. Keep an open mind throughout the process.

chukkerhead

Also choatiemom you made me cry. Amazing post.

friendlymom

Choatiemom, I think that was a wonderful post. I don't really know since this is my DD's first year at boarding school, but I suspect that this is where being an alumni parent is going to make a huge difference. I feel like I have a sense of the rhythm of my daughter's days that I would not have had without being at boarding school (the same school as she's attending) myself.

In my own experience, I always felt that my family and our house were "home" (even when I called school "home"). The thing that I lost being away at boarding school was the connection with my hometown. Looping back to the original question, I guess that's one piece of advice for a 9th grade applicant: understand that the social life of your friends will keep happening without you there, and you won't be a part of that. Yes, it's easy to keep in touch with facebook etc but the dynamic of it really changes.

Momof7thgrader

Great post Choatiemom. I had to stop reading the first time as I was having a bit of a sobby day.

MBVLoveless

Play hockey!

redbluegoldgreen

Somewhat cynically, get some legacy parents. #2, take a hard look geographically, and maximize your potential diversity. If you want to go to an elite school in NE, you likely will not be "unique" coming from Massachusetts. This of course will take some planning way in advance of Fall of the year you apply.