itshelenmelon

I'm gonna be honest...
Eating by yourself in the dining hall is ...weird. Oftentimes I just wait until one of my friends sit down, and most people are like that too...

shelley14

Hey, guys, we have a student here who came to us for help. Let's try for a bit of compassion and good ideas instead of telling the OP how weird it is.

D'yer Maker

I hate to perpetuate this curious focus on "eating alone" but...is she even saying that's that what she does?

She says that she DESIRES and LIKES "being able to hang out with friends." So she's not saying she wants to be alone at all. And then, specifically with respect to meals, she writes: "I have to find friends to sit with at breakfast, lunch, and dinner—even on a Sunday."

I read that and think she's making a point of finding friends to eat with...not that she finds herself eating alone. And if I'm mistaken and I missed the part where she says she is eating alone, it's certainly NOT because she's not trying. So, even if she is eating alone, telling her that eating alone is weird adds no value.

OTOH, tuesdayair who is doing just fine, thank you very much, DOES say that "I choose not to sit with my friends at breakfast because I review my morning classes' hw to warm up my brain," so I hardly think that sitting alone is a universal sign of weirdness. Have any of you been in Manhattan at lunchtime? I know there are lots of weird people in Manhattan...but not that many!

jennycraig

I think this is all stemming from HOPEFUL's comment:
I agree with the people here who say there is nothing wrong with eating alone, or doing some activities by yourself. Especially since Cindy Freshman said that it is too intense sometimes when you are surrounded by friends 24/7. There are a lot of people who are not morning people (me included). I would prefer to be alone in the morning. I don't think there is anything strange about seeing a kid eating alone in the morning, reviewing his notes or reading the newspaper.

smile dog

Yes, I believe CindyF. was talking about the arduous process of adjusting to a new environment, not so much about the issue of eating alone or not (which, by the way, I think is only as weird as the individual feels it to be - both of the Smile Pups ate alone on occasion without any major hits to their social standing; perhaps it has to do with the school, but I really don't think the seasoned boarding school student would find it to be all that unusual to eat alone).

Cindy, you have just begun a huge transition! It's still early days, and everyone is still getting to know everyone else. Give yourself some more time and give yourself the leeway to acclimate in your own way, at your own pace. For those of us who are somewhat shy, these kinds of transitions can take longer, but that's okay! Even though it may feel like you're living in a fishbowl and that everyone is watching and judging you, most likely they're just thinking about their own transition. And you're not burning any social bridges if you want to be alone from time to time - it just means that later this year or next year, when you're more comfortable, the others will have the chance to say "I'm so glad I got to know her; she's really cool."

lbftw

i am trying to be helpful. cindy, doing stuff like eating by yourself at the dining hall is weird. period. people do notice, they'll brand you a loser/freak and it'll be very hard to shed that reputation. yeah, once in awhile is ok, but don't make a habit out of it. even if you only sorta-know some people, just go sit with them. almost everybody does this.

like i said though, the most tight-knit cliques are those that center around some common activity, most often some type of performing arts thing or athletics. the trick with sports is to not be the awkward kid who's always falling behind on runs and really can't do anything right. you should strive to be somewhat-good, at least enough so that you prove to others that you're not a complete mess.

if you can't do that, then join the school play or something. either way, find your niche. you'll feel a lot better.

D'yer Maker

@ lbftw: A few points. First, Cindy Freshman doesn't say she eats alone. You're imagining things so repeating your claim that it's weird is, well...let's just say it's on the other side of normal.

Second, you seem very much consumed with fitting in. That works for you. It's not "right" for everyone. Other people hit their stride and excel when they're willing to step outside their comfort zones. In fact, when I took up lacrosse I was one of the slow-pokes you refer to. Not only did I stand out, but I decided to to do 2-a-days in steel plated work boots strapped on with duct tape. I stood out, but if I didn't take that risk and decided to disregard what everyone else thought, I wouldn't have played in college or remained connected to the sport and its governing body to this day.

Finally, you totally miss the point she's making. Cindy Freshman says she really likes the social opportunities at BS. It's the times that she goes alone that she feels that she's outside of her comfort zone...or, in your parlance, weird. My message to her is grow comfortable with solitude and quiet time...and be less concerned with what others think about her. After all, let's face it, most kids think everyone else is watching them. And the truth is, they're not. Like you, they're too busy worried about who's watching them to be paying close attention to you.

Whatever you do, Cindy Freshman, don't spend any energy plotting how to fit in and blend into the crowd. Unless your CO is looking for volunteers to take the point on the next patrol through Karbala, it's a bad idea to intentionally fade off into obscurity.

Redpride11

I'd say that I agree with tuesdayair. At least at Exeter, it is nearly normal to sit alone.

lbftw

if her problem is that she feels suffocated by being in such close proximity to others all the time, then maybe "lonely" wasn't the best way to describe herself, was it?

and she specifically mentioned having to find people to sit with at meals, to which somebody replied that she should just sit by herself, which i rightly pointed out was a bad idea.

ajadedidealist

Wrongly, lbftw. I go to the same school as Tuesdayair, and I'd say I probably sit alone frequently. Not because I'm a "freak," or have "no friends," but simply because chances are I'm in a hurry and don't want to get into a long conversation unless I have the time. Boarding school is busy, and sometimes I just want to wolf down cold cuts and get on with my day. And, frankly, sometimes, Exeter being as intense as it is, it's nice to have a little alone/quiet time. (Actually, I hate it when I'm in "alone mode" and someone comes to sit with me.) Nobody judges me the worse for it; the most that ever happens is that when I return to my friends they joke that they haven't seen me in months, years, centuries, etc. I don't know what school you go to, lbftw, but it's not mine!

ETA: (Hah, lbftw, from reading your other posts it seems that we actually have gone to supersimilar schools. This is one point, though, that I'd argue Exeter really is free from care. Maybe we're all so self-obsessed we don't notice kids eating alone...)

prpdd

I think we've gotten a little off topic with this whole "eating alone" thing. And yet, at the risk of beating a dead horse, I do have a quick observation. As simplistic as this may sound, I think the acceptability of eating alone differs at different schools, and I would not be surprised if something as mundane as the shape of the tables and the way the dining room is set up plays a role.

I know where Helenmellon goes. And I think I know where lbftw went. In both cases the schools have a single large open dining room with large round tables. Sitting all by yourself, out in the open, at one of these large round tables, while all around you there are tables filled with kids does look a little weird and makes you stand out. Particularly at dinner time, when the dining room is likely to be most crowded.

I think if you in a dining room that's less open, with lots of small tables, eating alone is more common and you stand out less.

lbftw

i'll concede it's probably different at different schools, but a lot of places have those big round tables and sitting by yourself at one of those is weird. i remember me and a friend of mine went to the dh early one saturday and were the only people there; a bunch of random kids we barely knew (and some we didn't know at all) came and sat with us. so yeah, just do that.

h-o-p-e-f-u-l

wow i din't mean to start a new topic. let me rephrase.
its okay to sit alone in the dining hall every ONCE IN A WHILE, as Cindy said, being around people 24/7 can be a little overwhelming at times. i think its only healthy for everyone to sit alone at least once every so often.

Also, it definately depends on the school!! If its never done at your school than i can understand feeling awkward about it!!!

I have sat alone in the past- i swear im not a freak! out of my own free will. but most of the time when i dont really know the people in the dining hall during a lunch period i end up making new friends.

Cindy Freshman

Thanks to everyone who responded, you all made some great points! I describe myself as “lonely” simply because I wish I had more close friends. However, I really love how living in the dorms means you are instantly part of a friendly, warm community
and I am grateful for the two good friends I have made on my floor. The major benefit of boarding school is that there are all these fun activities such as dances, barbeques, pizza breaks, etc. that allow you to get to know the other kids. However, the more social opportunities also means more social pressure. It does hurt when I go to an ice cream break with my roommate on a Sunday afternoon and she gets all this attention and I am not sure who to talk to. I am not paranoid and I know people are not always watching me but there is a certain level of privacy you have to give up when you go away to school. Kids would notice if I had a new boyfriend or if I ate every meal alone. To me, eating alone too often is unfortunate just because it is a missed opportunity to socialize. I want to get to know the kids better and hopefully connect with others and meals give you that chance. D’yer Maker—I have loved all of your posts on this board but don’t I have to spend some energy trying to fit in? If I don’t then wouldn’t I be a MISFIT who failed the social part of the boarding school experience?

lbftw

it's good that you've made friends. do you wish you were more popular, that you knew more of "cooler" kids or whatever?