Parents' Cafe: Why Are We Doing This? - Page 2

kamaole · 03-13-2008, 04:56 AM

I am not ready to let d go. The moment I saw all the acceptance mails...reality struck. What have I done? I was and still is overwhelmed at the moment and because I was trying to hide my emotions d thought I wasn't proud of her cause she didn't aim for Andover or something. Right now I still haven't had a quiet moment to reflect on things and "get a hold of myself" cause there's so much confusion and decisions have to be made soon. The thoughts shared by all of you have been truly helpful, I'm so glad someone started this thread...I thought I was the only one being so emotional. This morning after dropping d off to school, I happen to listen to this song by Katherine Jenkins...it was this song titled, "I will pray for you" (I think) and I just had to stop the car along the way cause tears were welling up and I couldn't drive.

laxtaxi · 03-13-2008, 05:41 AM

Kamaole, your post is precisely why I started this thread. I feel the same way. I will be letting S&D go at the same time - S to a year abroad, then college on his return; D to BS. It is really hard.

D'yer Maker · 03-13-2008, 08:25 AM

I fall under sbergman's category of parent who is amazed at how our relationship with our son has improved. And this from a parent who enjoyed his relationship so much that that was the biggest concern I had going in. It is counterintuitive, but even where the parent-child relationship is excellent, it is possible to see that improve. In fact, I would suspect that the better the relationship is going in, the better it will get. I don't advise it as a way to repair or fix a challenging relationship. But while the interaction is less frequent, those daily life tensions and headaches melt away without giving up your role and obligation as a parent. Stupid little things that trigger reactions are appropriately subordinated to the bigger, important things that truly matter. Conversations are richer and more mature. There are times when you think, "My god...what am I doing, leaving my child in that smelly rathole of a dorm room for weeks on end?" but he loves that creepy place called a boy's dormitory. He loves being at home, too. But it's much more disconcerting for the parent, in my case at least, than it is for the student. And once I set anchor on that reality, it's actually not disconcerting.

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As for this thread, laxtaxi, you can't possibly have spent much time on the "other" Parent's Cafe. Until we all start throwing down insults at each other and taking firmly held positions that we're willing to fight each other to the death over in a cage match -- on topics like whether Ferraro was correct or hypocritical or whether kids should be allowed to drive years before they can drink or drink years before they can drive -- this will be nothing like a Parent's Cafe.

Linda S · 03-13-2008, 08:44 AM

Quote:

As for this thread, laxtaxi, you can't possibly have spent much time on the "other" Parent's Cafe. Until we all start throwing down insults at each other and taking firmly held positions that we're willing to fight each other to the death over in a cage match -- on topics like whether Ferraro was correct or hypocritical or whether kids should be allowed to drive years before they can drink or drink years before they can drive -- this will be nothing like a Parent's Cafe.

That's a scary place, I can't even take a peak over there for fear I'll be sucked in and never be able to get out...

4Giggles · 03-13-2008, 08:48 AM

Try sinners alley! it is a very fun place, so of the most talented writers with the quickest wit. BUT VERY ADDICTING!!!

momothree · 03-13-2008, 09:07 AM

dadofgoalieson
had to smile- we're in the same situation. D1 in college (after BS), D3 in kindergarten. now D2 heading to BS. good luck!

dadofgoalieson · 03-13-2008, 09:37 AM

and my wife is in her first year of law school. Looks like the 6K Kindergarten bill essentially amounts to a rounding error.

hpflrent · 03-13-2008, 09:42 AM

someone asked about FA earlier and since this is a parents' cafe, I felt like I could respond to this a little more bluntly than I would if it were more of a thread for the kids. Our experience with FA is that at each school she was accepted, we were offered at minimum the amount the SSS had indicated was what we could afford. I know of two families personally who have every toy known to mankind and live in the largest homes in their neighborhoods but cry poor when it comes to tuition. I'm sorry, but my own personal experience is that if you don't spend (waste) every cent that comes in, the schools will see that and make it a manageable expense. We actually got so much in FA that it cost us less to send her to a TT school than keeping her local at a private school. I honestly feel that many people want to have everything but when it comes to tuition, they feel like the schools owe them or something to pay for their kids' education. If you honestly do not have the income to support the tuition, I feel like at least at the TT schools, they will come through with a reasonable amount to help you in FA. You might have to cut out a trip to Hawaii this year, but what is more important?

snowedin · 03-13-2008, 09:48 AM

When our older child went off to BS a few years ago, my heart ached for weeks even though I knew the child was thriving. For many students and families, BS truly is the best option: an abundance of academic and extracurricular opportunities, all within walking distance of their dorm; no need to get a ride/drive to see friends; good, healthy food available practically around the clock (well, maybe not really, but for most of the day). There is some compromise involved, because yes it might be best to be able to sit down together at dinner every evening - but how many teenagers are around to eat dinner every night with their families, anyway. Now, with email, skype, and cellphones (or phones in each dorm room), it's easy to stay connected. We speak to our child on a daily basis, not because we are helicopter parents, but just because we enjoy knowing what's going on (and vice versa).

Now, with our second child looking to go off to BS, my heart is already starting to ache at the thought. Yet, I'm confident that we will also stay connected to her, and that the opportunities will be so much greater than if she attends the local HS.

warriorboy648 · 03-13-2008, 10:08 AM

My son's day school just threw a wrench in the decision process by doubling his FA grant.

So now it can be considered as part of the equation. He has 2 options. A boarding school that he loves that has fabulous academics and really strong sports. Plus I think better food than he gets at home.

His day school also has really strong academics but horrible sports,
but he'd stay at home. It is also difficult to get together with friends because many of them live 45 minutes a way. Not fun to drive that far on the weekend after a movie.

So for the experienced parents. Any input. (He will turn 15 in the fall of next year.) Do you believe that the boarding experience will be a valuable experience for him? I go back and forth about how I feel about it so I don't think I can give an objective opinion. (My husband only cares about the $$$)

Any advice would be welcome!

D'yer Maker · 03-13-2008, 10:12 AM

I think you're right, hpflrent. It seems to work out just as you describe, though whether that's by design, Providence or pure chance, I can't say.

I found the Sinner's Alley thread, btw. Okay, so there's one tee-niney corner of the Parent's Cafe that offers sanctuary from cranky adults who apparently think that, by the sheer "in-your-face" force of their on-line verbiage, they can make their political opposites "see the light" and concede that the other party's candidate should win the election.

D'yer Maker · 03-13-2008, 10:21 AM

Of the two, regardless of cost, which is the best option warriorboy648?

Is that option affordable?

If so, then (this is half tongue-in-cheek) ask your husband what other matters involving family decisions and welfare is he content to be bribed into doing something other than what's best?

You're comparing apples to oranges, so it's not like you can say that each dollar differential is worth X imaginary units of education and then decide that one's a better "value" than the other. They provide significantly different deliverables. Apples and oranges are both fruit, just as boarding school and day school are both schools. But how do you decide whether the apple is worth more than the orange? You have to decide which one of the two you want and then whether you can afford it.

Lexima · 03-13-2008, 10:24 AM

I hope to be in the category described by sbergman and D'yer Maker (i.e. good relationship getting even better when kid goes to BS). My son and I are extremely close. I will really miss being with him daily. I couldn't bear the thought of having him on the other side of the world (we're from Asia) so I arranged to be in grad school during his first year at BS. Being a few hours drive from him is so much better than being a 15-hour flight away. This is sort of a weaning process for me. I hope that by year 2, I will be ready to go back... but you never know. I might start enjoying the academic environment of New England too much.

HopefulDad · 03-13-2008, 01:21 PM

To throw another twist in the discussion, I don't know about BS either. I went to a BS as a day school student. I agree, many of the schools mentioned on this board represent a lifetime opportunity worth sending your child away. Howver, once you get below those schools, is it really better to send the child away to an average BS rather than 'raising' him/her yourself at home? I don't have the answer, just asking.....We are waiting for a decision from a high profile day school because we live in a large city where we have one. I personally just have mixed feelings sending my kid away to school unless I am fairly certain the caliber of education outweighs the benefit of my daily guidance in life at what is still a young age for him. I'm in no way suggesting you gusy are bad parents or uninvolved, but sharing my point of view in hopes that you can shed some light on your rationale and enable to to better understand why we are all doing what we are doing..

hpflrent · 03-13-2008, 01:35 PM

I did want to put in my two-cents worth on the relationship comments. Like others have pointed out, there is a lot of communication, most of the time daily, between us and our daughter. She will instant message me or email or we will call/she will call. I think having her away has actually made us closer, go figure. We still feel very involved in her daily life, and her school has a daily "newsletter" that is online so each and every day you can go on and look at everything that is going on that day at school. You will see the plays that are being performed, who the visiting speakers may be, which colleges are visiting, sports schedules and results, birthdays, and the list goes on. It is a great way to still feel you are involved and know what is going on. The other thing I wanted to mention is you really do not see many/any parents post things about how their relationship suffered or the kids were miserable, or whatever after they went to boarding school. For the majority of parents, it would seem that it has been a very, very positive time for their relationships and the parents have seen a greater maturity in their kids when they return home. And, you will miss them and it is hard to let them go, but just be brave and you will be amazed at what your child is exposed to.