1st Year Parents' Support Thread

[wcmom1958]

@Cogent, I second what 7Dad says and would add that our only remorse is that the kids are so far away. The BS experience has been great, but if we had good local options I don't think we'd be doing this.

@7dad, we also enjoyed focusing on second sib when first sib went away, but I think it made it harder when second sib left . On the up side, when we do travel to see them or they come home, we have a blast and laugh like crazy. I don't think we'd be doing that if they were in school locally.

[SevenDad]

A few additional end of year thoughts:

- Unlike a few of the parents above, I have not been struck with any "wow, she's all grown up now" moments so far (at least not now...I did feel that a bit at the Winter Break). That said, we attended the middle school end of year service at her alma mater this AM and that's pretty much all I heard from her old teachers and other parents.

- SevenDaughter was able to accomplish things this year that most likely would not have been possible had she stayed at her old school or if she had attended the HADES BS to which she was admitted. I chalk it up to that issue of "fit" again, and also the notion of being able to reinvent yourself at a new school.

- Next year, I'd like to institute a specific day/time once a week where she calls home. That way the drives home are not filled with "So what's new?" conversations door to door.

- I'm going to encourage her to write more letters to friends and family next year, especially letters of thanks for care packages. In this electronic age, letters and cards mean even more (especially to grandparents!!!).

- I wish I was super wealthy, so I could donate a dedicated student laundry center to her school. I like that kids have to do their own laundry at SAS, but there seems to be a shortage of machines in the Pell-Moss girls dorm complex.

[ChoatieMom]

@Cogent: I’ll bite. As much as I always end up saying what an amazing experience this has been and how happy DS is, and how wonderful the school is, I still struggle with the cost. We are not uber-wealthy, and we do not receive financial aid, so we are paying full freight for a luxury we can pay for but may not be able to afford; there is a distinction. Like @wcmom1958 says, “…if we had good local options I don’t think we’d be doing this”, but we DO have local schools that other kids are attending and somehow managing to avoid the penal system. Each day I drive by the school our son would have attended and wonder once again just why that option (or any other of the choices our state allows) was not good enough. Given the type of student our son is, I’m pretty sure he would do extremely well in any of the local programs even if the challenge is not there. He would still go on to college and, most likely, become a productive member of society. Would he be as happy, well educated, and “experienced” in the short run? Probably not, but just what are we buying for $50K/year, and what are we sacrificing? I’m embarrassed to admit that this decision which should be irrevocably made still plagues me when I consider that our air conditioner may not hold out much longer, our old cars are showing signs of dementia, and I’m just sure there is a black swan in our future.

Let me short circuit all the reasons for and benefits of BS that everyone here is just itching to post and say that I agree with you all. No need to list all the amazing things in the BS candy store or the intangibles that the boarding experience offers or the unmatched quality that is there. It’s all been said before, and who can argue with giving your kid the best education you can? As I posted earlier, just watching DS navigate his world with an ease that I am certain he did not learn in this pond takes my breath away and makes me say, “Priceless!” But, is it? I’m just being honest that even though we can write that check, I sometimes wonder if we’re crazy to continue doing so when I can’t exactly quantify the downside of NOT providing DS with this elite privilege. In a world where so many people struggle just to survive, I wonder about the sanity and morality of spending $200K for a teenager to attend a NE BS. Could that money be better spent for a greater good and, if so, would I spend it or hoard it? The question bothers me.

Ultimately, we are putting a tremendous burden on our son because we have raised him to believe that “to him whom much has been given, much is expected”. The implication is that he must somehow use what he is learning/becoming for the greater good, at a level above what would be required of him otherwise, but is BS enabling him to contribute more than he would if he had stayed home and been educated at less cost? Will he be a better person for this experience? We’ll never know.

So, @Cogent, there it is. Is this buyer’s remorse or just a rant born of my small-mindedness and increasingly hormonal state? You be the judge. (Now, back to the choir loft to continue singing the praises of BS.)

[redbluegoldgreen]

<<No need to list all the amazing things in the BS candy store...>>

Boarding School Candy Store...love it.
Well stated CM.

[SevenDad]

@Cogent: The one thing I have some remorse about isn't specific to my daughter's school. It's the realization that, by opting into the BS world, we as parents have effectively shortened our "family together time" by 4 years. A little sad, especially when I consider the possibility of my younger girl going away to school in just a few short years. Of course, this is all a problem of our own creation...but that doesn't make it any less triste.

[2prepMom]

@Cogent - buyers remorse

I have had 2 children in boarding schools, and if you track back in this thread you can see that the younger one is doing great, but the older one crashed and burned.

In retrospect, had we known how challenging boarding schools are, we would not have sent the older child as a new 10th grader. She was excited by what her sister was exploring, and wanted out from her less than perfect public high school. She was somewhat immature and disorganized, but an honors student with many ECs. She did not settle in well to the boarding environment, was homesick, did not focus on school, and by the time things finally started to improve in the spring, a disciplinary incident with alcohol another student had brought to school, and the suicide of a student friend on campus swamped her emotionally. She was "not invited to return", along with at least 10 of her close classmates.

So we have found that "elite" boarding school is a very challenging social adjustment for kids. Do not anticipate that the school will help an immature, disorganized student - the student may simply be overwhelmed. Your child will likely have to deal intimately with other kids who are abusing drugs and alcohol, and students who have serious emotional difficulties. While all schools deal with such challenges, the impact is much greater when kids are living together 24/7, under academic and social pressure, and away from home for the first time.

[ops]

There is no doubt that parents, siblings and the dog miss a boarder. It's not the end of the world, quite the contrary. The dog may not get it, everyone else does. Those that have chosen to take the BS path are fully cognizant of that factor when weighing the pros and cons. Video gaming varies from school to school with respect to allotted times and places. I knew approximately what grades to expect before the report card arrived. Between my boarder, the teachers and advisor I had ample communication and openness so not to get a surprise. The vast majority of BS students, besides just being good kids, have that little extra drive in them that wants to do well and achieve good grades. The schools recognize this aptitude and strive to maximize the student's potential. It is not easy to full through the cracks.

Boarding school is not for every student or parent. It's no walk in the park, the students are challenged in many aspects, academically, socially and athletically.

Are you a parent or student considering BS?

[PelicanDad]

Well, since I started this thread...pardon me for hijacking it back.

Picked up Pelicanchild this week after exams; the push to vacate was quite intense, and most kids who weren't staying for prom and/or graduation were really under the gun, many having to take 2 exams on Wednesday AND vacate the premises before that evening.

While the Pchild has learned some things about self-management, prepping for move-out (or maintenance cleaning) was not on the list. It was pretty gross to see, but it wasn't just in Pchild's dorm room, it was across the dorm (and I remember plenty of college frosh whose rooms were equally filthy).

Since we arrived home he's been up late into the wee hours and sleeping in past noon. He gets about 2 weeks to do things his way before he heads off for his 9-week job as a waiter & lifeguard. The biggest transition for all of us is refiguring the family dynamics of having him back. In some ways, he is helpful in terms of managing his younger sibs--they certainly listen to HIS telling them they need to buck up better than they listen to it from us. On the other hand, he's going through some typical regression and whining for special attention to his needs--at the moment he thinks of them, of course. So it's a transition for him, too, returning to the family unit and being reminded that he has some responsibilities to the rest of us while he's around.

Grades have not come back yet, but we have a pretty good idea of where they'll be. We talked to one of his teachers, his dorm head, his advisor, and another dorm faculty member during our 24 hours around the campus. Although it hasn't been a stellar year for him academically (B-ish), it has been a stellar year in terms of his coming around to understanding the culture of the school and the expectations. Taking this on a year-to-year investment analysis, I'd say the decision to start freshman year (something I *didn't* do myself) was well worth it in Pchild's case, because he'll start the important sophomore year with a thorough understanding of what needs to be done to succeed, who to go to for help, which of his classmates are good academic role models and which aren't, etc. He's intending to take a very ambitious course load, and I like it that the motivation there is coming from him, not from any push on our part. He already knows the particular slant he wants to get out of his high school education (history/economics/statistical mathematics), and he's putting together a curriculum to get himself toward where he wants to be.

My own 2 cents to a lot of the current commenting going on among parents on the board is I'm surprised by how the conversation seems guided by an idea that there's ?one proper way? for a child or family to navigate through any of these very different schools. Sure these schools all have a lot of stake in "outcomes" to justify their exorbitant costs, but I'm much more concerned with the old adage that Pchild "learn HOW to learn"--as a lifelong practice--than I am with getting him positioned as a commodity for particular higher education institutions. One of the amazing things about these schools is that they can deal with a diverse student body: traditional athletes, stellar mathematicians & young scientists, virtuoso musicians, dancers, fine artists, etc., and give all of those kids the strong platforms to push themselves beyond their comfort zone to explore their unrealized talents. I very much get from both Pchild and his cohort, and from the faculty and staff at LC, that this is what is happening there (along with the regular "drama" that seems to be inevitable to American high school culture...).

So sure some kind of success is important, and recognizing the competitive nature of these environments is a realistic necessity, but how each student or family values and gauges success can be quite different. I'd caution families here from assuming that a single set of values rules at any one of these schools, or across the board at all of them.

[SevenDad]

I've been waiting to post this until the end of year grades arrived (the reason why will become apparent), and they came today.

Here's something I've observed about SevenDaughter since she's been back for the summer:

When she's been asked "How was school?" by people outside the family (like friends of the family or people at church), her response to many of these folks surprised me...it was not the "I love my school."/"It was amazing." that her mother and I get when we ask.

It's a more reserved response, along the lines of "It was okay."

When I asked her about it...why she didn't seem more enthusiastic in her replies to these people, she said something like "Well, I don't think it was my best year academically."

What I find interesting about this is that it's the first time I've heard her articulate that she holds herself to some academic standard. I honestly don't think it's parental pressure as her mother and I have tried to be neutral in our reaction to grades so far this year...with the philosophy that it's her first year and there are plenty of other things to figure out.

Well, her grades arrived today although she was right, they're still pretty darn good. Parental angst relived.

[SevenDad]

[relieved] 10 char.

[SevenDad]

Thought it might be an interesting data point for future first year parents and students to post how grades went in child's first year of BS...sort of a "here's what you can expect".

How's this for a scale:
Higher (by full letter grade or more)
Slightly Higher (by half letter grade)
About the Same
Slightly Lower (by half letter grade)
Lower (by full letter grade or more)
---------
Feel free to add to the list below:

SevenDaughter: Slightly Lower

[friendlymom]

Grades/academics are my daughter's biggest worry about boarding school (it seems to be slightly edging out "I'm not going to have any friends!!"). She just finished a K-8 Quaker school that did not give grades and was pretty light on tests as well. I'm sure she'll find her groove somewhere along the way (I expect by the end of her first year) but none of us are pretending that it won't be an adjustment. So, it will be nice to see how others did (relatively) in their first years. The more examples we can give her of other kids needing a little time to adjust the better.

P.S. I also expect that she will, in fact, end up with friends!

[SevenDad]

Bumping for the newest crop of 1st year parents.

[friendlymom]

Thanks SevenDad. Hanging out with our daughter in the evenings I'm starting to get a sick feeling in my stomach at the idea that in just 2 weeks she'll be gone and I won't get to have her around any more. I wouldn't say I'm second-guessing the decision at all but this particular part of the process is hard, especially because all of her friends at home are starting at local high schools this week and next.

DD has connected with her roommate and they seem like a good match. Packing and thinking about saying goodbye to friends is making her a little sad, but on the whole the excitement is definitely building.

[SevenDad]

As we get into packing mode for the second year in a row, I will share this advice to new parents: While you're packing and organizing now, start thinking about where you are going to put all this stuff next June when your student comes home for the summer.

I say this because my daughter's trunk has been sitting in our upstairs hallway collecting dust and generally getting in the way since June...we emptied it out to clean whatever had come home in it, but never got around to bringing to the attic/garage.

Suboptimal. At least according to my wife. ;-P