1st Year Parents' Support Thread

[GMTplus7]

Having dropped DS at new BS 2 days ago, and worrying whether he is feeling any homesickness, the 1st email from him is very short:

"Hey, you guys didn't leave me any quarters for laundry"

[classicalmama]

muf: I second dodgers mom: The person I'd contact immediately is the adviser, not to make any requests, but just to explain the situation, how son's feeling, and ask for advice. If nothing else, now is a great time to get that contact going, both between you and the adviser and your son and his adviser, as the adviser will probably seek him out for a talk once he's heard from you.

Also, echoing 1012 mom...the crash is almost inevitable, though when and where and how hard the fall seems to be different for different for each kid. My kid's crash was hard and early--week 2 of school--but we got in touch with his adviser right away, and that has led to a great relationship between all of us that has been one of the biggest gifts of bs life so far. Everything's been gradually uphill from there--and I feel like we have the routine down and the safety net firmly in place. For us, what took time was figuring out how to maintain the parent support relationship from a distance--how to communicate, what to rely on the adviser for, what to ignore and what to take more seriously, etc.

Anyway, last year when my kid was struggling, everyone else was raving about how great things were going, so I didn't say much. I think it's a great idea to share the lows as well as the highs.

[erlanger]

Regarding early reactions from new students and class changes--the first week of school, particularly for 9th graders, is not very typical of the workload or pace of the class. The schools tend to ease in that first year. But if your S is unhappy with a class as a 10/11th grader, where the schools tend to hit hard right away, then his instincts are more accurate and should be addressed with his advisor right away. I found mostly the school is supportive of kids wanting more challenge, but that the kids sometimes underestimate the class and/or other classes workload. BTW, I would not assume no news is good news. Some kids, especially those who pushed to go, don't want to tell their parents at any cost that things at BS are hard. Our D suffered in silence initially and it took us awhile to read between the lines. Advisors and dorm parents help a great deal, but IMO, parents are wise to stay in close contact that first year if they can.

[PelicanDad]

Not surprisingly, the Pelicanchild is loving the social aspect of BS life, but already trying to figure out the academic expectations. He got placed in quite an advanced language class (all juniors w/one repeat sophomore) and feels totally at sea already in the first week; it's hard to know from a distance how much the gap he perceives is real and how much is imagined. Thankful for a great advisor who is maintaining very close touch with us...expect between them, they can arrive at the best placement, given a little time.

[classicalmama]

Finding myself nodding my head a lot today! Want to emphasize with erlanger that no news is NOT always good news. I think it's a good idea for parents to mandate X number of phone calls--minimally one a week (we're fans of a five-minute phone call each day rather than a longer, catch-up call at the end of the week but that's how we function as a family). You're best at judging, by tone of voice, if something's "off," and often a quick gripe or worry session with one of us is often all it takes to make a problem disappear. If the same little concern keeps coming up, that's a sign to me of a deeper issue that will need to be addressed with the adviser.

PelicanDad--those first year placements are tricky--it is hard to tell what's a real gap and what's just getting used to the new system. The two classes my son thought were most difficult first term--felt lost, thought he'd have to move back a level or drop--ended up being his favorites for the rest of the year--took me completely by surprise. Thank goodness for those advisers who have a better sense than we do of how it will all wash out!

[tigerdad]

Dropped our son off at BS, 900 miles from home, three weeks ago. It was one he really wanted to go to. Academically he's doing very well, but there are daily calls about how he misses home. It's very hard to hear him like that. He loved being home. Spoke with his floor advisor who told us that you'd never know he was having a problem. He has friends and they all seem to be in his room all the time. He has taken up extracurriculars as well and is doing well in them, too. If only he were happy now.

[dharmamom]

You might try cutting back on phone calls and using e-mail to communicate for a while. I think voice contact engenders homesickness more.

[classicalmama]

Our kid called every morning before class and called or emailed most night for a long time. His adviser suggested he cut back on calling, but that's one piece of advice we didn't follow, and for us, that was the right call. He needed, in his core, to know he could hear our voices when he wanted to. We did cut out Skype though, for a while, as that really just got everyone depressed. I remember another family last fall that I think needed to cut back on Skype because the sight of the family dog was making their boy feel too sad!

As my counselor friend told me, homesickness is really just like a viral illness. Lasts longer and hits harder in some, but everyone recovers eventually. So follow your gut as far as calling, emailing, etc. goes...it's hard, but it does lessen with time. At Parent's Week-end, we knew we had turned the corner when our kid told us, "I still miss you guys a lot, but I know this is where I belong." This summer, he told us that summer was too long...

[redbluegoldgreen]

@classicalmama, enjoying and learning from your posts, keep them coming, the good, the bad and the ugly.

DS just got to BS at end of last week and already as 10th grader feeling overwhelmed with amount of work. Advice is always the same, chip away a little at a time...

We are doing daily calls because it works for him to feel connected to home, like most 10th graders who attend local public school. 5 minutes on the phone per day I think works for him, with longer calls on the weekends. We don't text which I think would be better, and skype doesn't work as he and we both don't have good internet. It feels like 10th grade is getting hit hard with tough sports workouts and lots of HW, quizzes already starting. I know he'll rise to the occasion as he always does in academics. Socially, things have been more rough, but thus far, he is holding his own.

[tigerdad]

Thanks. Knowing this isn't so anomalous helps. He says he doesn't like it there, but again, is doing so well and has so many friends already, that it's hard to explain it other than homesickness. He doesn't want to go to another BS, but simply wants home. It breaks my heart; we were together alot. Still, I feel if he can get over the hump, he'll be much better off. I know he's in real pain now, though.

[Periwinkle]

PelicanDad, that sounds like a very advanced language placement! What would be the downside of dropping down a level in the language? What's the upside of staying in the course? If that's the only course in which he feels overwhelmed, I'd be inclined to say, drop down a level.

First, he may be more willing to express his feelings about the course to you, than to his advisor or teacher. If he only feels lost in that one course, it could be that he's not ready for it yet. So much is new in boarding school, it isn't as if he'll be lazing around taking _____ 2 instead of _______ 3 as a freshman.

Tigerdad, it could be that you are a safe place for your son to vent all of his concerns and worries about his new school. I'd stay in touch with his advisor. Wait to see how your son feels around Parents' Weekend. If you look through older threads which started around this time last year, you'll see other parents whose children were very homesick in September.

My Son has No Friends!

My daughter hates boarding school!

Read both threads through. Don't stop in the middle!

[PelicanDad]

Thanks, Peri, nice to see you back. It was a strange placement from the beginning. Not sure what Pelicanchild is going to decide...looks like either 2nd year in the language he knows (tho he technically did 2nd year last year with a fabulous teacher), or he may choose to start a brand new language. I've been talking to both Pelicanchild and his advisor, and they have a meeting with the director of studies today. Basically I've told them all...whatever you all feel is best is fine with me. We thought if it was feasible for him to get through the 3rd year of one language as a freshman, that would be quite a coup, and leave him more flexibility for the other 3 years, but I think we always assumed he'd pick up a second language anyway. Regardless, we should have an answer later today and so far Pelicanchild is in good spirits and has yet to hit "the wall", though I expect that will be forthcoming. Cuts in his sport also happen today, so in a matter of hours, things may well have changed.

[erlanger]

Tigerdad, we feel for you because D was very slow to warm up to BS. Good advice from Periwinkle though that you may be the only place he is comfortable to share his ambivalence right now--there is plenty of social pressure at BS to appear as though everything is amazing (except complaining about homework is ok). We found the pressure to appear "perfect" was quite strong (and not often talked about on CC) so the only place our DD could vent, moan, express outside of the box, was with us (and not even with the advisor or dorm parent). Frankly, it can continue for a very long time because you are the only place he can safely show this side. This may or may not help, but our DD is a junior now and still admits to missing home and our family dynamics. However, there are also enough positives about BS that she would not want to come home permanently (although vacations and summers are very good). Remember it is very hard being "ON" for 24-7 at school, especially for a teen, and they have few to no outlets at BS for those moments when they want to vent, rage, sulk, regress, whatever (all of which other teens get to do at home "safely" knowing their parents will love them no matter what). It is something to keep in mind . . . .

[DAndrew]

Also, I think kids are just tired sometimes, frustrated when things don't go as they expected, or simply have an episode of the mood swing typical to teenagers. One thing I sometimes feel like reminding my kid is that it's not that you are leading a much "harder life" because you are in BS. All high schoolers wherever they are, if they want to excel, are working hard and going through some level of stress. It's just this stage of life. One thing I am very glad to see in my kid is their conscious "looking out to" outside the bubble of BS. There are a lot of things that are much worse in life than going through BS, and why is it SUPPOSED to be fun filled and smooth? Yes do let them vent if they want to but one way or another give them the perspective and help them "see things through". It helps.

[PinkyBlue]

This thread has the right title. Seeing my D tear up during our goodbye still rips my heart to shreds. The comfort for her and me is knowing that others have the same feelings. I look forward to the time when she calls school home.