SevenDad

It's threads like this that make the CC/BS forum such a valuable resource, IMO. New-to-the-process folks getting answers from experienced folks that might not be available anywhere else.

I really appreciated Exie's observation that "the first 2-3 months on campus are the hardest. For many students it might be called brutal as they realize their straight A work at their previous school is C work at the new one." What I'd suggest for new parents is not to freak too much (at least in front of your child) if your new-to-BS child gets a "never before" C or two. It's definitely hard, and it will make you question if you are doing the right thing. But more often than not, I think you'll see a rebound by the end of the next marking period...part of the natural "sorting it all out" process.

I've also heard it said that the first winter (especially in the New England states...though it's been a very mild winter so far) can be a tough one for many. That stretch between New Year and Spring Break. We haven't seen it so far, but I could see how some seasonal affective disorder could come into play.

ChoatieMom

I, too, worried about the increase in academic level and workload and the potential for all-nighters, but advisor told us that staying up past lights-out for freshman is an honor code violation, and DS tells us that even though he’d sometimes like to stay up later, it’s just not allowed. He also says that study hours are generally more than sufficient to get the work done and, if he needs more time, there are free periods during the day; no one is scheduled with classes/sports every single hour of the day. Students just have to manage their time well. I’m sure in the upper grades when there is less supervision and no lights-out policy, it’s a different story but by then, hopefully, good study habits are well entrenched.

Also, part of what you get with BS is amazing teachers who are quite generous with their time. High-achievers often feel that they should be able to handle everything on their own and not need to seek out help. This mentality does not work at BS. The students who seek help are those who do best. Make sure your DC knows that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Knowing that help is always available from teachers and from peers lessens stress and helps students feel part of the learning community. The first time DS reached out for help in an honors course, he found that several of his classmates were struggling also, and when he showed up at the study group the teacher had organized, there were doughnuts and other snacks, and the kids had a blast challenging each other and the teacher and working through some difficult concepts. DS did very well on the test of those concepts, and now looks forward to any teacher/group study opportunities. He also said that the study group brought the kids closer together. Sometimes all you need to relieve stress in the pressure-cooker is to lift the lid, look around, and know you’re not alone and that help is readily available and cheerfully given. So, at revisit days, ask what kind of academic support system is in place, and make sure your DC understands that asking for help is expected and pays off.

ChoatieMom

Sigh. Just when I thought I had something helpful to contribute, DS calls to ask if I have any tips on how he might be able to fit lunch and/or dinner into his schedule. He has six classes this term and has decided that meals are optional (he says dining hall is too out-of-the-way which I can't figure out as it's in the center of campus). I told him I'm still working on that transporter but until I've worked out the bugs in breeching the space/time continuum, he's going to have to start managing his time better--or build the thing himself. That's one of the drawbacks of BS; you just aren't there to give those necessary thumps on the head.

So, OK. I still stand by my post, but I'm not saying my DS has quite figured it all out.

D'yer Maker

@ChoatieMom: Partly because I assume you tread lightly in such matters, I would suggest to you that this might be a good time to contact a hall parent to give DS the thump on his head that he needs. They can see whether he's getting meals (as it's still possible that he's exaggerating after missing two meals a couple weeks ago) and, if not, take him aside and offer suggestions and strategies for managing his time and whereabouts. This is a legitimate thing to raise with a hall patent, particularly if (as I suspect in your case) you haven't put them on your speed dial. And if it was a female, the whole anorexia issue would make this a priority matter -- at least for the school to monitor. DS never needs to know you called and, sometimes, head thumping works best when it comes from a house parent and not mom or dad. This is probably one of those times. Even though you said he asked for advice, any tips you can share will likely be met with a "what do you guys know about my school life?" arrogance, while dorm parent advice may be welcomed with some rare teen humility.

D'yer Maker

@ eileenbeth and @kittenygoodness: One of the counterintuitive benefits of boarding school was how close our relationship with DS grew while he was at BS. Part of that is because kids are at that age anyway and they are starting to engage with you more like adults as they mature quickly through high school; but part of that is because, by being apart, it's not just a continuation of living at home as a child, they have new experiences that are wholly "theirs" in creation and survival, and since your interactions are more sparing, they tend to be richer and sweeter.

I have found college to be tougher to enjoy as a parent because now, as he continues to grow, it's more apart than together. College is much more bittersweet, for me, because it is clear that he is setting his own path and making his own way (apart from the money). With BS they still need you and count on you to be there for them -- even if it's in a behind-the-scenes role as I suggested for ChoatieMom above (which would be an incomprehensible suggestion for a college student).

You'll find that, despite the distance, you're a very relevant part of your child's life at boarding school. If, for example, self-imposed academic stress becomes an issue, you can play a part in redressing that, except that you'll have a team of seasoned experts on hand who have tamed the wildest cases of stress imaginable and it won't be you trying to reinvent the wheel. So, again, in that sense it is somewhat counterintuitive because you may be better equipped than you thought...especially if you're presently working from the mindset that you're the one person who can be counted on to help your child navigate the perils and shoals of an intense academic setting.

One of the things that separates an excellent BS from other schools is the team of people who are actively interested in the students' well-being 24/7, beyond the classroom and athletic fields. Many people think they're paying for a better shot at Ivies and other outcomes, but you're actually directly paying for this team of experts who happen to know how to bring out the best in students and help them learn how to overcome myriad obstacles and challenges that works best for them.

I have no sense that such teams exist at college. There are no parent figures in college -- while nearly every adult at BS plays that role, assisting you as the Top Dog A-Number 1 Parent for your child. Once a problem, like self-imposed stress (but also anything else you can think of) is identified -- you're not on your own at BS. More likely than not, it will be spotted by them and they'll be acting on it as they contact you, so -- at a BS that's worth it's salt -- you'll feel more empowered as a parent and not, as many parents fear, helpless due to the distance.

ChoatieMom

Ha! I assume that starvation is self-correcting in his case.

2kidsnoanswers

<<One of the things that separates an excellent BS from other schools is the team of people who are actively interested in the students' well-being 24/7 ..... this team of experts who happen to know how to bring out the best in students and help them learn how to overcome myriad obstacles and challenges that works best for them. >>

Ah, *exactly* what I'm trying to dig out in the list of potential boarding schools for DS. His jr BS, I am glad to say, is doing the job above very well and he has thrived. He is now applying out and the trick is going to be to find the school that can best continue on, knowing that there will be an age appropriate shift in the interpretation of the specifics. More than anything else, I do want that team who is *actively* interested, which can and does bring out the best in each of the kids.

How well a school manages this seems to vary and can be elusive to pin down. If I were to ask, hey, do you care and do you bring out the best, of course any fool school will say 'yes'. Any tips on how to identify those who walk the walk?

It is this very quality that often seems to be at the root of whether the boarding school turns out, in the end, to be a happy or unhappy decision for the family.

Periwinkle

Parents are usually contacted by current parents. That's a good opportunity to ask each family about their experience with such matters. If you leave a list by the phone you won't be caught off guard. Students are often contacted by other students. You can ask the same questions at revisit days; many schools have current families on hand to answer questions.

You may be surprised by how honest parents can be.

ssacdfamily

I would echo the advice to contact the hall parent and ask them to assist you in the parental smack on the back of the head. Have just spent the 48 hours dealing with an "issue" - thank god for the counselor, who was involved, available, sensible, and had good aim.

With regards to what to expect at college - do you find there is a difference between larger and smaller colleges in the availability of concerned adults? or are they all the same?

muf123

Choatemom's son is not exaggerating about the limited time. My son also misses meals because of a full schedule. He often buys junk food from the vending trucks that come around campus than waist time to run across campus for dinner. And the food is really good at Choate so it's not like he's too lazy to blow off a hot meal. Time is limited between sports, music and homework. I spoke to his advisors about this. The biggest problem is the limited internet when he needs to research. He often wakes up at 5am to complete HW.

1012mom

@ssacd

A slightly different twist on the accessibility of "adults" in college....One of the tangible benefits of BS with its hall parents, concerned teachers and invloved coaches and advisors is that kids learn to use the resources available and ask for help when they need it. D1 (2010 grad) was explaining today how she had some concerns on a college econ problem set and could not make it to the prof's office hours due to a work conflict. So she emailed the prof and found another time to meet and as a backup set up time with a turor from the tutoring center. She did this all the week before the problem set was due, because she knew she had an exam and other assignments that were due at the same time. I attribute the both the time management and the taking the initiative to reach out as things she learned at BS. I relly think it gives kids an edge in college, beyond the issue of academic preparation.

2kidsnoanswers

Agree with 1012mom. Ssacd, you may want to post your question on the Parents Forum in the general college area. The parents there are wonderful.

My 2 cents is, having attended a very large well-known university, there was absolutely *no* availability of concerned adults - I suppose you'd have to know how to seek it out as 1012's DC did. I did fine and did not expect the individual attention nor have the boarding school experience which would have taught me such proactive skills, but some kids did sink.

ssacdfamily

thanks for the suggestion - I will attempt! (having a hard time making myself "graduate" from this section of the forum - too many good ideas!)

ExieMITAlum

I concur with the others - even at sink or swim schools you can find at least one adult who can serve as your surrogate to kick them in the butt when needed - even if it's a cafeteria worker. Some of the most "nurturing people at Exeter when I was there were the ancillary staff. Although we have good relationships with my D's dorm head and her advisor, I do remember watching her run across the quad in her bare feet in the dead of winter and ignoring our pleas for common sense (because running in her high heels towards the prom bus was deemed by her to be impractical). A security guard was walking in the opposite direction, called out her name and barked (lovingly) "D" Put your shoes on right now! And she laughed and complied. Although our pleas backed by one of the cafeteria staff to wear stockings in the sub freezing weather went unheeded. The staff member said her own daughters ignored her too. Later, Taft told us the faculty meet and discuss everything about the students on the regular basis including keeping tabs on who is eating healthy meals and who is skipping so they can quietly intervene if needed. My husband laughed and said "Yep, D is right at home here and I feel comfortable with these people keeping an eye on her."

Ooh - @ssacd - don't go. I love having you here. And sigh - we switch into college mode next year. I'm not looking forward to that stress but the BS experience has really helped me see that I can be a silent "advisor" because she's taking on the reigns of that search with her increased independence and confidence.

nylecoj007

I, too, have tiptoed upstairs to the College Parents Forum. There is a wealth of info to be gained by reading the posts and I particularly like the comradery amongst the parents. The “Class of [fill in the graduating year]” threads allow parents to speak directly to those who are on the same timeline.
However, I think there are subtle but real differences between the experiences of BS parents and those of day student parents. How many of those parents would be able to relate to the very popular “Remote College Counseling” thread, for example?
It’s similar to the lunches I’ve been having lately with a few friends who are all parents of Junior day students. Sure, we have a lot in common but a certain point, those similarities diminish because there’s really nothing like the BS parenting reality. One of my friends slipped me a copy of “Letting Go-The Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years”. With the exception of the obvious, aged-defined distinctions that exist between the college and the BS experience, I feel I could have written that book myself.

@ssacd: Alumni are always welcome here