Periwinkle

Albion, I suggested the "sneaking around," because from the OP I wasn't certain if there was an established eating disorder, or a suspected eating disorder. I know if my teenaged daughter thought I were telling the nurses, etc. of a suspected eating disorder (without proof), she would be enraged at me, and the lines of communication would shut down.

@Kittenygoodness, can you get an emergency consultation with a psychiatrist who specializes in eating disorders? Before she leaves for school? Whether she stays or goes, it sounds as if she could find peers in both communities who would share and encourage the eating disorder. If parents send their children away to school to escape the "beautiful prison," a local psychiatrist could know which choice to recommend. He/she might also know which psychiatrist or therapist to recommend near the BS, should you decide to send her.

If you are concerned about the tuition, perhaps you should speak with your daughter's new school. Yes, you have signed a contract obligating you to pay tuition. On the other hand, sending a child with a newly discovered eating disorder to boarding school is an exceedingly difficult situation for everyone involved.

My heart goes out to you. The only silver lining may be that you discovered this condition now, rather than years later.

Albion

periwinkle, I am a longtime fan of yours. I was just speaking from the vantage of a teacher who wants parents and high school kids to communicate with each other about the life altering stuff. Of course, life is way, way, way more complex than simply advocating for communication, but I do applaud Kitteny for sitting her daughter down and having a hard, brave conversation.

Periwinkle

Thank you, Albion. I suspect parents/kid conversation never ends.

Kittenygoodness? Five people have responded to your OP so far. The thread has received 598 unique views. Although I'm sure you're feeling frightened for your daughter, and probably very alone at this moment, you are not alone. Whatever decision your family makes, having the courage to raise the question in public has helped other children. Perhaps other families are raising difficult questions tonight, only because you dared to speak up.

You are not alone.

5grizzlycubs

This site may be useful: F.E.A.S.T. Eating Disorder Treatment Support for Anorexia and Bulimia

This forum may be useful for posting about your situation: Around the Dinner TableSupport forum for parents and caregivers of anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorder patients

Kittenygoodness

You all have been extremely helpful and supportive in this recent nightmare so all I can say is thank you so much to everyone. My husband is absolutely freaking out about this tonight with the leaving day on Monday. I asked my daughter in the car this morning if she threw up yesterday and she said she did not. I want to believe her, but I am still deliberately keeping her as busy as possible and keeping meals as simple as possible: fruit, grilled fish. Nothing that will make her feel like she's eaten a mountain of food and tempt her to get rid of it, because at this point I don't know what triggers her actions. Tomorrow I will ask her about today, and also I am putting in a call to her doctor (a pediatrician for young adults) who can hopefully assist us before she goes. If she goes. Time is just not on my side though, and that fills me with anxiety. Her friends have been trickling off to their schools this past week and I know she is sad about her close grade splitting apart for new friendships and new places, despite excitement about her new school. I wonder if this fear of letting go of the familiar is a factor in her behavior, because she has found something she can control. In any case, I am going to try to have a third party professional talk to her before this weekend. Hopefully they can squeeze her in tomorrow or recommend someone who can. I feel like the worst parent though. She is very moody since our conversation and I am having a hard time with it.

Periwinkle

Kittenygoodness, you and your husband care about your daughter's welfare. Even if she's angry with you now, she knows that you both care about her health.

Be prepared. I have heard that children with eating disorders can be deceptive, and can hide behaviors from parents. A good friend went through this with her daughter. The daughter's a very, very nice girl, but she was concealing how little she ate. She has recovered. It took time, but there is hope. Don't blame your cooking if your daughter chooses to purge. The reasons for her choices are complex. Getting an experienced professional's opinion is a very good idea.

My sister confessed to me she went through a period of bulimia when we were teens. I had no idea at the time. My kids have not gone down that path, but my sister's confession scared me enough that I researched eating disorders. A smart kid can hide lots of stuff. You are fortunate to have detected this before your daughter left for school. You are fortunate to have detected it at all before obvious physical symptoms showed up. (Even though I'm sure it doesn't feel like good fortune tonight.)

mhmm

kittenygoodness - I am so sorry for this situation, especially coming at this time of leaving for school. I would strongly suggest going to the pediatrician with your daughter and laying on the line the facts, i.e - she lost so many pounds in such a time, resulting in a certain percentage of body weight loss - there is an actual chart, which will show clearly an eating disorder. She needs to understand that she is not fooling you - that is important for someone who has this disease. And, very sadly, you need to understand that when she says she didnt throw up, she is lying. Another thing to be aware of, is that this disease is unfortunately very "catching" and feeds upon itself. In my daughters class of 50, 7 had it as the same time, with 3 hospitalized between 6 months to a year.
The last thing you should do is blame yourself and call yourself a bad mother. This is not something you did or caused.
If you can, monitor her computer if she is receiving emails from anorexia/bulimia support groups (support in terms of how to hide the disease from others around ). If possible get her involved in a sport right away at school - coaches are excellent judges of young adults and can help tremendously (just not gymnastics i guess), as well as the fact that you have to eat to keep your strength doing a sport.
My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Kittenygoodness

Another day...this is such a weight on my mind and I am so thankful for your responses to my cry for help since my husband is taking this less than well. The Pediatrician is getting a call today. I mentioned to my H that in looking into this disease, patients are sometimes put on medication (specifically prozac) and he lost it. He told me that he doesn't believe in solving a problem with a pill, and while that is not my first choice either, believe me, I also understand when medication is a necessary part of getting well. He thinks that if my daughter is prescribed this medication, that she will lose her personality and that she will become a shadow of her former self. I want to believe that a doctor will try to assess the situation and that counseling will be the first plan of action, and that as parents, we can have some sort of influence in this direction since we really don't know just how strong this disease has taken hold. Unfortunately we have sort of a town zombie factor here with medication, adults and children alike. I am hoping that in talking to the pediatrician, who is new to us this summer and that "everyone" uses, that this isn't the automatic response. I just wish we had MORE TIME.

Kittenygoodness

BTW we generally have meals together unless she is out with friends, and she eats a normal amount of food, healthy stuff, especially in the summer with the garden. She is a very competitive athlete and plays four team sports, so I am hoping the coaches will be a good source of support for her. But is that the first place to go, or is the counseling center first? Clearly there are issues she is dealing with, I just wish I knew why she feels this is the solution, and that we could work them out together. Another friend leaves for BS today so I hope that doesn't add to her stress with similar results.

mhmm

Kitteny -- she may not even be feeling that purging is a solution. Unfortunately anorexia and bulimia take their form as a "mini epidemic", taking many in one social circle. Its kind of what hysteria was for Victorians. How are the girls in her social circle? Does anyone else have this issue/look like they have this issue? She could be swept up in this, and separating from friends could be the best thing in the world for her. Or she could be doing this b/c she is feeling inadequate before the girls that will be her peers in the new school. Is the BS she is going to very social?
I would try to speak to the new pediatrician on the phone before the appt to see if she is on the same page. If not, make an appointment with the "old" pediatrician.
In terms of sports/counselling - I would do both, but dont unload on the coach - just let her get involved in a sport. If there is an issue a coach will contact you/school. You can also come up for games and develop a relationship with the coach that way.
How far away are you from the school and how much are you able to take off to travel? I would agree with your husband that prozac should be a last resort. Can you take her to therapy once a week nearby school? It may be worth it.
It may also be that if shes part of the hysteria group then being away from them will if not cure, but put her on a track to recovery faster. If she is the only one, or the one that "started" it, then a higher amount of therapy will be needed.
I would hear what the pediatrician has to say and then decide if the school needs to be involved before move in.

Momof7thgrader

First let me say that I really, really feel for you. This is a pernicious disease and a very close friend went through it with her very successful daughter in her senior year. She eventually went off to an Ivy League school but that was after 8 months of therapy and monitoring at home.

I'm sorry - I just don't think it's a good idea to send a child with newly diagnosed bulimia to boarding school. You need not only her pediatrician involved but a solid therapist who deals in eating disorders and possibly a psychiatrist. Even if the doctor recommended Prozac (which doesn't change personalities btw), any young teen needs to be monitored closely while starting any anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medications. There is no way this can be accomplished at school.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Albion

I could not agree more. As a loving dorm parent, my colleagues and I do our best to monitor all our charges and keep them safe, but academic boarding schools are really only appropriate places for kids who are ready to handle some independence. Eating Disorders tear holes in dormitories. I cannot say strongly enough that a sick child is not going to magically get well once her entire familiar support system is taken away from her.

And since people are looking at this thread and maybe starting to educate themselves about eating disorders, although mostly we know anorexia and bulimia, there are other disordered patterns, which fall under the term EDNOS, or, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. So, purging after a normal meal, combined with skipping meals or over exercising to burn calories. A diagnosis of bulimia may not be exactly accurate in the case we are discussing here, since bingeing may not be an issue. But anyone who is in trouble or is worrying about someone else should look into this term as well.

And finally, to all the good parents out there. If your child bought a ticket for a bus that was scheduled to drive off a cliff, you know you would do anything and everything it took to get your kid off that bus. It would not matter if your kid got mad at you, or kicked and screamed. You would get him or her off that bus. Confronting teenagers with eating disorders is hard, alarming and necessary. My respect, gratitude, and sympathy go out to all those brave folks who are fighting for their childrens futures.

astute12

I would echo the advice to read all you can and visit F.E.A.S.T. Eating Disorder Treatment Support for Anorexia and Bulimia a parent to parent support group. Eating disorders are very serious. I would also caution you that this may not be something that can be handled long distance, getting your d healthy should be the priority right now. Sorry to sound so strident, but our young d developed anorexia at age 10. We helped her get healthy and well (she is now a sophomore in high school) by using the Maudsley treatment, also known as Family Based Treatment. The parent forum can be found at Around the Dinner TableSupport forum for parents and caregivers of anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorder patients Thinking of you and your dear daughter.

swmmr984

Just wanted to know how your daughter was doing. Did she go to boarding school? Is she getting counseling for her issues?