Periwinkle

Arisamp: Some of the changes are also part of growing up. I attended public high school. I don't think my parents had any idea who my friends in school were. It was a different era, of course, before Facebook and cellphones.

You will learn more about your kids' schedules on Parents' Weekend. You'll also meet some of their friends. It's hard to discuss social stuff with people who haven't met your new friends. Also, some of the friendships made in the first few weeks of school will shift, as students get more involved in activities.

As your kids get a handle on the school schedule and workload, they will be more forthcoming. It may help to get into the habit of scheduling phone calls for a time when they have the time and energy to talk. Read the school's newsletters too, to find out what happened on campus this week.

my$0.02

No news is good news.

Be grateful for the occasional text messages. Text conversations are discreet for students and don't force acknowledgement of parental hovering.

You sent your daughter off to boarding school to get a great education and to become an independent young adult. Guess what: she is a busy, increasingly independent young woman.

RuralMama

I hope no news is good news, as .02 said. I just worry that DS suffers in silence, trying to be stoic. (LOL, probably he is just fine.) So, I have been reduced to becoming somewhat of a "stalker mom". (I believe DS is unaware of this.) I feel like I can at least get a vague sense of what he is up to on Facebook (his new 'friends', for example...or a picture posted of him there by someone else). And then there are the weekly pictures posted on the school website. Sometimes he's actually in one (or maybe that kid in the distance that isn't quite recognizable might just be him). Also, Skype pops up with a message that he is 'online' every now and then, too. (I try to resist sending him a message every time this occurs, at the risk of being just too annoying and overbearing.) It is not much, but it is at least a little glimpse as to what he is up to. We also try to get in the weekly phone call or Skype, but the voice/video quality is so poor on both mediums, it is barely satisfying. I know, I know...he is becoming independent. Now I am working on being more independent, too!

SevenDad

Speaking of "stalking" our less than communicative kids while they are away at boarding school...I noticed that one dad (not me) commented on a group shot my daughter and his son were tagged in and his son was like "OMG, Dad...I can't believe you just did that!" Funny.

friendlymom

Oh yes, the first rule of stalking your kid on Facebook is that you never comment. The only exception is when your existence has already been acknowledged through presence in the photo, but even that one is borderline.

An occasional parental "like" is acceptable, but usually these should be limited to a new cover photo. The main idea is that you want them to semi-forget that they're friends with you at all.

muf123

I'm smiling right now because I've been FB stalking my kids for years. Only one time I blew my cover when I mentioned that I did not like an off color comment one of my kids friends posted on FB.(I mentioned this in person, not on FB) In hindsight, that was a good thing because it reminds them that anyone can see what they post.

mountainhiker

Thank you, all! I've been feeling like such a pathetic-loser mom, missing her kids, and you've made me feel so much better! It's so nice to know I'm not the only one going through major withdrawal! I guess the good thing is (at least I keep telling myself . . . ) that truly, "no news is good news!"

friendlymom

Oh yes, every so often you have to drop a little comment to let them know that you see all that stuff on there. Or there's always "your grandparents see this, you know."

I had a FB chat with DD tonight. Ended up missing her more afterwards but it was worth it. :-)

classicalmama

Great thread. A couple of thoughts, different from the good stuff that has already been posted.

My son and I, for his first few months at bs, would keep google chat up during study hours. It was our long distance equivalent of sitting in the house together, everyone doing their own thing but jumping in with a comment or question once in a while. I don't think it disrupted his studying (grades were good) and it might be a solution in a quiet-enforced dorm room. Facebook chat would work too, but facebook can definitely be a distraction...

While it is generally true that no news is good news, it is definitely not always the case. Kids who are depressed or are just trying to suffer through or are having difficulty and are worried that parents might take it badly will also avoid the phone. Advisers often don't have any way of seeing this as the kids are good at acting like everything's okay. This is why I'm a big believer in the enforced, longish, once a week phone call that first year, if you're not getting enough communication otherwise (definition of enough to be determined by each parent who knows his/her child best).

And yes, one thing I still really miss, even after three years, is not knowing my kid's friends and their parents. In fact, I've noticed that he often avoids naming people, other than close friends--maybe he's anticipating the facebook stalk! However, in other ways, I find that distance makes us closer--the everyday tension is gone. So the trade-off is worth it.

ChoatieMom

I'm waiting for the technology that enables you to hug your kid across the miles…everything else is just a tease.

friendlymom

Yes, I admit that I've already started fantastizing about that first hug when we go to Family Weekend in a few weeks...

skibum4

We found that information provided on school's website about daily activities and special events, most informative. At least through that, I had an idea about specific things to inquire about with my S. But yes, detailed information from BS kids about tests, quizzes and every day life does seem to suffer.

If you are at all within driving distance, weekend sports activities are great excuse to travel to come and visit for the day. My S always seemed pleased to have us there, and we could usually get him to come for a meal afterwards. It was also a good way to meet other parents in a festive atmosphere, and glean information from them as well!

calhockeymom

I also use the school website to find out scheduled events and text questions "how was the football game?' also I do something that helps me a lot but might be a bit "woo woo" for others; as part of my daily meditation practice I send loving thoughts to my son and imagine him sending them back to me. It helps me feel connected even if we don't have daily contact.

crekson

My daughter is in ninth grade and in her second year at a jr. boarding school. She is in the process of applying out at secondary schools for next year. I just spent a week with her interviewing at 10 schools.. we barely communicating then or now. We usually text, and she stops texting when she is done talking. I only call her when it's urgent, because I feel like I'm intruding and don't want her to feel guilty about having to call me back. I know they have a rigorous schedule. The school has them at breakfast by 7:00 and with school, sports, dinner and study hall, she isn't "free" until after 9:00 PM and that is if she has completed her homework. It's frustrating, but I know she is literally in a different world filled with stress. Try not to take it too personally. We talk maybe once a week, and it's very hard to catch up on everything. I know I am missing out on her daily experiences except what she chooses to share. I'm assuming your daughter has an advisor. Perhaps you can touch base with her and ask her to nudge your daughter (discreetly) to keep in better touch with you. You can probably find out a great deal of what is going on at school from the website as well.
Often, I text just to say, "have a good day" or "good luck" for a test, but such texts don't mandate and don't usually get me a reply. I continue to do my part and let her know I am there without pressuring her (usually). The lack of communication continues to be very difficult and hurtful, especially because she is so young. Honestly, if your daughter were doing badly or if she were unhappy, her dorm parent or advisor would contact you if she wouldn't. You could also let her know that you need to simply hear from her to know that she is ok and happy. Let her know that you aren't looking for an hour of conversation and just want her to touch base. I hope this is at least a little helpful

2kidsnoanswers

^^crekson, good luck to you as you go through the application process this year. Ours came from a JBS as well. JBS kids seem to do very well in placement overall.