calhockeymom

My son is coming home for the first time next week. Can't wait to see him! He is a HS junior and I was thinking of emailing his advisor before his visit just to see if there were any areas that he thinks I should talk to my son about. I'm thinking things that don't merit a phone call or email home but might make things better; ie he's not using time as well as he could be or even something good, he's helping out...but then is it being too much of a helicopter parent to do that? What do other parents do? Do you reach out to your child's advisor or wait to hear from them? How often do you hear from the advisor or someone at the school? I met the advisor at drop off and sent one email early on which got a prompt response but otherwise we've had no contact.

dodgersmom

Just send an email saying you want to check in and see how things are going. Given the prompt reply you got to your last email, that shouldn't be a problem at all!

To merit the title of "helicopter parent," you really need to be calling the advisor on the phone . . . preferably daily, but if not, then at least once a week!

calhockeymom

Thanks for the reassurance! I am second guessing my impulses and it's good to get a reality check.

wcmom1958

I understand your reticence well. My fear of being a helicopter parent has sometimes kept me from asking what I now realize (in retrospect) were very legitimate questions. From the sound of it, you are far from anything like some of the helicopter parents I've witnessed. My sense, from two BSs, is that they expect a fair amount of communication from parents, especially early on. I don't know what they consider "reasonable" but I would hazard a guess that if you are a new boarding parent contacting an advisor less then once every week or two you are in the minority.

I think the schools understand that these are high school students and not college students. A recent study showed that COLLEGE students contact their parents in some form an average of 13 times per week. In an electronic age, everyone who works with families (me included) has had to change their expectations about family contact because it is just so/too easy.

My own experience is that on those occasions, early on, when I have panicked, ("My baby is sick!!") I have been greeted with warmth and understanding. I rarely (never?) worry now, and I think the schools understand that parents need to transition too.

calhockeymom

Thanks! I sent an email and got a prompt response that all was well from his point of view so that's good. It's only the second time I've contacted him so I guess that is reasonable!

It's so helpful to hear other parents experiences. I don't have any friends with kids at boarding school and even those with kids in college are generally much closer to home.

2prepMom

For those parents attending the upcoming parent/family weekends, I strongly recommend meeting with the advisor. You should hear lots of information about your individual child, their triumphs and challenges. It s very reassuring to know the advisor is tuned in to your kid, and that a quick e-mail or call can quickly provide support.

Texting, skyping and e-mail have fundamentally changed what and how parents hear about "crisis" in their boarding students life. Expect some upset calls that leave you concerned. By the time the advisor goes to ask the student what's up 30 minutes later, the "crisis" is forgotten. If you talk with the student again, they can't remember what the problem was. Drama comes and goes very quickly to a 15 year old. Advisors come in handy at those moments so parents aren't left worried for days while their child has quickly moved on.

dodgersmom

Oh, so true!

My favorite was the time my kid (who'd had a cough) called in the middle of the day to say the cough was getting worse, he felt really sick, and the school nurse wasn't helping. I went into super-protective mama bear mode and started making phone calls. Talked to the dorm head, made sure she knew what was going on, arranged for the kid to be excused from classes for a few days, told the coach the kid was going to have to miss practice . . . well, you get the picture. Then talked to the kid again that evening, and what did he say? "Mom, what are you talking about? I feel fine!"

He did take the next day off, though . . . ended up sleeping the entire day, and finally admitted that maybe, just maybe, he really wasn't as "fine" as he'd said!

calhockeymom

I can imagine that scenario easily happening to me. Hope I recognize it when it does!