azahra3

So I have just finalized my essays. I gave one to a college professor who says it's good, but I still want more feedback. Anyone willing to volunteer??

azahra3

Is anyone willing to read them?? I really want some feedback

MOREthanLUCK

give them to a teacher, family member, or friend. No need to give your essay to some random person on the internet.

loljk1123

i'll read them

azahra3

bumpppppppppp

theeightyeight

i can read them too

Danielyp17

I can peer edit them for you if you want

azahra3

I'll PM both of you

Danielyp17

Hey, really sorry for posting here but because I have made less than 15 posts on this website, I cannot PM you back. Nonetheless, what I could suggest is, keeping your tone consistent. You use a lot of big fancy words, but they do serve a purpose as it gives me a good visual idea. However, words like "idiot" or "Dam*" could be written in a different manner.
For the summer one, you start off with an anecdote, so you should stay with that conversational tone. I noticed that you suddenly started to generalize your experience towards the last paragraph.
Lastly, avoid passive voice, use active. Some of your sentences are unrelated to the message you are trying to convey with the essay; your essay must be coherent.

azahra3

Which sentences exactly??

Danielyp17

"In a convoluted way, I began to appreciate the man who neglected my very existence; I had seen him in his true colors. It's a shame my brother wasn't there that day, he would've stopped taking me for granted. "

Your essay is about your sister, not your father.
Your description about your father is fine, it shows why you were a shy kid before.

azahra3

Okay. What do you think of both essays in general?

Danielyp17

I thought they were okay, but because I wasn't familiar with like 50 vocabularies in your common app essay, I wasn't really drawn into it. Don't worry though, admission officers aren't uneducated like me.

Very anecdotal, the scenes are very vivid, so I'd say it's unique in that way. No one else probably had that same situation like you.

azahra3

Thank you for your help, I appreciate it. If you like, I'd gladly read your essays and give you some feedback.

azahra3

I really want to submit my app, could someone please read my essays for one last time?