saanuu

P.S, english is my second language + this is my first attempt on SAT's essay part :P
feel free to leave any comments


Prompt:
"That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly. It is dearness only which gives everything its value."
Thomas Paine
Assignment:
Do we value only what we struggle for? Plan your response, and then write an essay to explain your views on this issue. Be sure to support your position with specific points and examples. (You may use personal examples or examples from your reading, observations, or, knowledge of subjects such as history, literature, science.)



Essay:
It is true that people only value what they struggle for. there are several examples from history and current events that support the aforementioned statement.
Montgomery Bus Boycott,led by Martin Luther King Jr. in 1955, was a successful attempt to end the racial segregation on all montgomery public buses. the boycott lasted 385 days. It was truly a struggle as during this period King's house was bombed and he was arrested too. This event wouldn't have been valued much if it wasn't for the struggles and hardships the King and rest of the black people had to face.
Thomas Edison, the inventor of light bulb, was told in his early years by his teachers that he was "too stupid to learn anything". Work was no better, as he was fired from his first two jobs for not being productive enough. Even as an inventor, Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb. Of course, all those unsuccessful attempts finally resulted in the design that worked. His struggle towards he invention of light bulb is justified by its value
Food, for a millionaire, wouldn't be of much value. As he doesn't have to work hard day and night to earn a living. While on the other hand, a labor for example, would have to exert himself just so that he wouldn't starve. this proves that a person would value something more if he is struggling towards it.
Hence, with all my examples I conclude that we only value things we have struggled for

sillyup20

If the readers were being generous, you'd probably get an 8. Your introduction is way too simplistic. In your introduction, you have a thesis statement that discusses what examples you are going to use. Don't just say "several examples." I don't see many SAT level vocabulary. Also, your conclusion should be something that makes the reader think. Your conclusion can be abstract but your third example shouldn't be.

saanuu

thankyou really need such comments as it was my first try. i'll work on it

IkramKnows

Sounds REALLY good to me. Good job! You answered the prompt correctly and always connected back to the thesis.

schen2014

Okay, going off of the comments I received at an SAT prep class...
1) As mentioned before, your introduction is a little too simple. It needs to have more depth and be a little more nuanced, and you need to make a subtle distinction in the thesis - you're using an absolute, definite statement as your thesis, which is kinda risky - one counter example and your absolute thesis is gone.
2) Okay, I know that this is your first time writing an SAT essay, but I would recommend NOT writing about Martin Luther King, Jr. or Thomas Edison. Not that they weren't really important figures in history, but because too many people write about them, and unless you know some startling or public-opinion-defying fact about them, your essay might sound EXACTLY the same as another person also writing about MLK and/or Thomas Edison.
3) For your conclusion, don't shift perspective. You wrote your introduction and body paragraphs in third person, so don't shift over to first person in your conclusion (rule of thumb, I've seen some essays where this actually worked).

But anyways, keep up the good work, and good luck! I would keep on practicing the essays, because you can only really get better at them.

saanuu

so what would i get for this essay in your opinion?
+ thanks for your comments

saanuu

can u grade it please @IkramKnows?