How to Improve 9 essay into a 12 essay?
Anyone mind if they can give the highest amount of criticism they can for this essay? Honestly, I've mainly got 8 for essays, but for this one I thought my examples and structure improved quite a bit.
Topic: Do people construct barriers to keep themselves hidden from the world around them?
Individuals, groups, states, and countries have and still continue to erect barriers in order to covert themselves from the world. They may do it in the interest of terrorism, religious worship, economic stability, or global hegemony. The case with China keeping an insular position from the world, the Immigration Law of 1924, and the Berlin Wall demonstrate how countries attempted to alienate themselves from the world.
For China's situation, many have known that it kept a reclusive position from the world in order to maintain its economic stability, its religion, and its philosophies. At the time, by having exclusive commodities such as porcelain and silk, China believe that it had all of the commodities necessary to control their prosperity. As for religion, in order to avoid the introduction of Christianity, Islam, and other foreign religions from influencing its own religion, China sealed them off in order to keep its own religion untainted and pure. Finally, for its own philosophies, China wanted to keep the order of them in uniform, with philosophers, such as Confucius, keeping their philosophies originated in China. all these instances emphasize how desperate and boldly China wanted to isolate itself from the world. Unfortunately, as more countries continued to become interested in China's furtive operations, the United Sates finally made China inclusive to the world with the Open Door Policy. this policy had taken effect after China's Boxer Rebellion. With China's economy open to the world, foreign countries, including United States, Japan, and Russia, were able to get a piece pf China's goods, leaving China disaffected.
The Immigration Act of 1924 also conveys how countries blocked other outside countries from interfering or involving themselves. Having the Monroe Doctrine set as a foundation, the United States initiated the Immigration act of 1924 after thousands of immigrants, which included German, Irish, and Japanese, continued to disseminate into United States. In order to circumvent overpopulation, the Immigration Act of 1924 set quotas on the amount of immigrants able to migrate into the United states. an obsequious reason for this was so U.D. wouldn't have to spread welfare to these immigrants.
Finally, during World War II, the Berlin Wall portrayed how Germans wanted to isolate its prisoners of war. By capturing several Americans and Europeans, the Germans constructed the Berlin Wall in order to segregate between those who were captured and those who were Germans themselves. Between West Berlin and East Berlin, it seemed there was no chance for the prisoners of war to escape.
This essay received a 9, since there was no conclusion. Also, I think I misunderstood a few facts in my history. What do you guys think of this essay?
(P.S. With no conclusion, I'm planning to use ONLY 2 examples to write a conclusion for next essay.)