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Score my essay and give me some advice, plz

DoremonDoremon Posts: 7Registered User New Member
edited November 2012 in SAT Preparation
Prompt: Does true courage always require putting something that is very important to us at risk?
MY ESSAY
Except for the heroes who are courageous innately, almost the rest only have their courage arisen when fathoming that something important are going to be lost one day. To some extent, that stance has been demonstrated by several fabulous literary, historical and scientific evidences.
In the story “The gift of Maggi” by O Henry, Della was so scared that her husband would no longer love her if she could not present him a gift on Christmas. Finally, she decided to cut and then, sell her hair to earn money for buying a male golden watch. As can be seen, the love of Della for her partner had risen to the top when she was will to sacrifice almost all things, even the thing she liked most. In fact, she would rather wait a long time for her hair to grow than losing her true love – the husband. In the end, it was the courage caused by fear of failing to keep her most important man that promoted Della to do the thing that no woman wants to.
Another example is the patriotism appearing when one’s country is on the verge of being invaded. Whenever the country or province or town or village is harmed, there arises local residents’s struggles. In other words, when people’s right is restricted unequally, they would revolt and fight for equality and for the things that must be theirs. The world history has seen numerous struggles like that. Of which, the capitalism revolutions seems to be most popular as the fights for the development of a new doctrine which is more beneficial and efficient for human’s society advancement. Generally, people tend to be more courageous and willing to do everything to ensure that they own everything belonging to them.
Researchers believed that when facing with danger, our brain empowers us to everything to survive, even if it is normally thought as unbelievable. It is true for not only muscular capacity but also mental ability. Actually, that is the reason why some athletics, especially runners and swimmers, seems to be more concentrate on their way and provide a higher results under pressure. The key is believed to lie among the fear of losing, disappointing teammates or being criticized by the others. Anyways, if people really desire something, whenever it is endangered, they will try to protect it at all cost. The courage, in these cases, inspires people to perform extraordinary things.
All in all, courage does not appear every time and everywhere. Only in certain situations, especially when people are in emergency or having something important endangered, can it arise and become advantageous.
Post edited by Doremon on

Replies to: Score my essay and give me some advice, plz

  • SATsitterSATsitter Posts: 16Registered User New Member
    Hey !!

    first of all i believe that the introduction is somehow dull ......... you didn't take a clear stance . You've got grammatical mistakes such as " something ...... are " ( Subject verb disagreement )


    In the First Body Paragraph :
    You didnt fully introduce the main characters , but you directly stated the situation.......ex: ( In the story “The gift of Magi” by O Henry, Della and Jim , the main characters of the story and a married couple, ............................) you must fully introduce the main characters first and then go on with ur topic :D
    also you must have stated that Della's hair was the precious thing in her life beside her husband , Jim . then, continue with what she've done with her hair.
    and the same thing goes with Jim and his valuable gold watch......ext......
    moreover, i think that this example does not suit the prompt.

    Second Body Paragraph:
    you must give a topic sentence then start your idea ,,,,,,,,, take care you wrote "or" about 4 times after each other, you must have separated by Commas and in the last one by a Comma followed by "or" .......i think that the second body paragraph is so general you didnt concentrate on a single idea , u started ideas but without talking briefly abt them ............ also you've got sentence structure problems .................

    Conclusion:
    it's way good but if you can write more it's gonna be better :)


    8 out of 12
  • DoremonDoremon Posts: 7Registered User New Member
    Thanks a lot for the comment. I really need to improve before taking the test on next March :(

    Now, I am an international student living in a small province, so I hardly have chances to practice with any prestigious teachers. For me, the essay is the most challenging and I just don't know where to start, how to master it in a short period of time.
    Can you help me with my examples? How to choose evidence? Which books should I read? How can I review?

    I will be very happy if you can help :)
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