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could you please help me with this essay

kindheartedkindhearted Posts: 95Registered User Junior Member
edited November 2007 in SAT Preparation
Please help me with this essay. How about ideas ? Are they OK or not ?
How about organizing ? How about diction and grammar ?
Do you suggest anything to improve my essay ? Thank you.

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below. Many people believe that “closed doors make us creative.” These people argue that obstacles and restrictions are necessary, for without them we would never be forced to come up with new solutions. But “closed doors,” either in the form of specific obstacles or a lack of opportunities, often prevent people from reaching their full creative potential.

Assignment: Do closed doors make us creative? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience,
or observations.




Closed doors definitely prevent people from being creative. Being creative is a whole process; therefore, people cannot be creative if during that process, they have to cope with obstacles or a lack of opportunities. Examples of artists who have overcome major challenges in life to become creative are rare.


In my country, students have to write essay based on clich
Post edited by kindhearted on

Replies to: could you please help me with this essay

  • kindheartedkindhearted Posts: 95Registered User Junior Member
    {bump} {bump}
  • amb3ramb3r Posts: 1,504Registered User Senior Member
    .... Usually I would say that for any SAT prompt, valid arguments can be made for both sides. But here, I simply can't agree with your thesis that closed doors do not contribute to the creative process. I don't think your examples really prove your thesis, either. There's some faulty logic at play here. Yes, Bocelli and Pavarotti and all the others probably became musicians in part because Italy is a nation where art and music are highly valued. That doesn't prove anything about how lack of interest or time to spend on art in underdeveloped countries prevents people in those countries from being creative.

    Also, your first supporting paragraph basically sounds like a rant with you complaining about the poor education system in your country. The SAT essay is not the time for this. I know you don't mean to come off that way. However, the problem is that all of your evidence is subjective and practically none of it is grounded on hard facts.

    If you look at classic literature or history, you will find many instances of characters who overcome closed doors and challenges to create great art or to be creative. Galileo was persecuted by Pope Urban VIII for heresy, yet from house arrest, he continued to work on his heliocentric theory. Beethoven suffered from hearing loss, was unfortunate in his romantic life, and had many family troubles, yet composed some of his greatest, darkest, and most passionate music at the height of his problems. Walt Disney grew up one of many poor kids on a farm, his father was abusive, and he never had a decent childhood. Yet he found happiness in his art classes, and grew up drawing cartoons that would soon give him, as well as millions of other youngsters, so much joy. Those are the kinds of examples that are very convincing to SAT graders.

    I think this essay would be a 3 out of 6. But maybe I'm biased because I can't get over the fact that I don't agree with your thesis and find your essay a bit unconvincing.. maybe somebody else will give a totally different opinion :)
  • Jolynne SmythJolynne Smyth Posts: 2,714Registered User Senior Member
    I think your grammar & word usage has improved a lot & it looks really great from that perspective!

    You definitely took a more provocative position on the prompt than most would, but it looks like you made a fairly strong argument for it.

    It might help not to make global statements, though e.g.: "Being creative is a whole process; therefore, people cannot be creative if during that process, they have to cope with obstacles or a lack of opportunities."

    If you'd said, "it's difficult for people to be creative if during that process they have to cope..." (instead of "people cannot be creative...") it makes it much less difficult to swallow your argument.
  • kindheartedkindhearted Posts: 95Registered User Junior Member
    Thank you amb3r and Smith.

    I'm sorry for giiving you a somewhat inferior essay :D The examples are really unconvincing. I wrote like mad, and having an example in mind in 25 mins is really hard.
    If you look at classic literature or history, you will find many instances of characters who overcome closed doors and challenges to create great art or to be creative. Galileo was persecuted by Pope Urban VIII for heresy, yet from house arrest, he continued to work on his heliocentric theory. Beethoven suffered from hearing loss, was unfortunate in his romantic life, and had many family troubles, yet composed some of his greatest, darkest, and most passionate music at the height of his problems. Walt Disney grew up one of many poor kids on a farm, his father was abusive, and he never had a decent childhood. Yet he found happiness in his art classes, and grew up drawing cartoons that would soon give him, as well as millions of other youngsters, so much joy. Those are the kinds of examples that are very convincing to SAT graders.
    Thanks for your hints. I couldn't come up with Beethoven and Galileo when I wrote this.
    It might help not to make global statements, though e.g.: "Being creative is a whole process; therefore, people cannot be creative if during that process, they have to cope with obstacles or a lack of opportunities."

    If you'd said, "it's difficult for people to be creative if during that process they have to cope..." (instead of "people cannot be creative...") it makes it much less difficult to swallow your argument.

    Can you tell me what's wrong with the original sentence ? I wonder which part of it is not idiomatic, so that I can write better next time.
    Is "people cannot be creative" not idiomatic in English ?
  • Jolynne SmythJolynne Smyth Posts: 2,714Registered User Senior Member
    It's not the idiomatic issue--it was more a logic issue. The sentence as you had it was perfectly correct (grammatically). You are certainly entitled to put in whatever content you choose; argue whatever you believe. It just is a somewhat difficult argument to make from a logical perspective -- since, history has shown that many, many people are creative inspite of extreme difficulty.

    It's purely a content choice; one that is yours to make. It just seems like a reader could be more favorably disposed if you weren't so absolute (people cannot be creative) in your assertion.
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