Welcome to College Confidential!

The leading college-bound community on the web

Sign Up For Free

Join for FREE, and start talking with other members, weighing in on community polls, and more.

Also, by registering and logging in you'll see fewer ads and pesky welcome messages (like this one!)

As a CC member, you can:

KimJiHoKimJiHo Posts: 25Registered User New Member
edited July 2008 in SAT Preparation
can you guys give me a score for this essay ? ? ? ?
I'm really suck at English...................
If you correct mine, I'll be glad to you ! ! !
Here is my essay.

"If you rest, you rust."

I entirely agree with this statement: "If you rest, you rust." In fact, I had seen my friend who had failed to the test by his sluggish. Also, I had been seen two of South Korea Presidents: Mr. Noh and Mr Park.
My friend was top 10 student at Korean High School. He and I had competed each other in Academics since I was top 10 as well. He always, however, had surpassed me by two or three place until he indulge himself in indolence. I saw depravity of my friend; he was too confident by himself and did not study as hard as before he did. He thought he can still be top 10 without study hard. He always played game, met girlfriend, and smoked even during the final period. I felt as if a cloud settled over him. After final, a teacher gave the students their transcript. He failed. I got top 10.
Another example, there were two South Korea Presidents who had succeed and failed. Mr. Park, at first, who was the President in 1970 was army in South Korea, and he got power by a military coup. He, at that time, was condemned by nation. However, Mr. Park did so many good things during his period. Especially, his project, known as "New Region Project", was praised by all nation. This project had brought up South Korea's economy. According to "Jo Sun Il Bo", which is the famous newspaper in South Korea at that time, South Korea's GDP, Gross Donation Products, was risen from 7,000 dollars to 9600 dollars. All these things could have happened by his assiduous work.
In contrast, Mr. Noh who was President in 2002 to 2007 was took criticism by his indolence. Simply, he did not do anything during his period. He even went to movie theater to watch movie with his wife. The most worst thing is that he said he want to abdicate and be a farmer without any burden although he actually did nothing. For these reasons, the nation confidence degree of Mr. Noh had been falling by 22% in 2007.
Once people be indolence, then they do not want to do anything, and this sloth make them to be rust. My friend and Mr. Noh had corrupted by their idleness. If you rest, you must be rust.
Post edited by KimJiHo on

Replies to: My Essay.

  • PennDreamerPennDreamer Posts: 234Registered User Junior Member
    Is this for SAT essay? If it is, honestly i would give you a 5.
    Dont feel bad. You will improve.
    The reason why i gave you a 5 is
    1) Your grammar is not sophisticated yet. I can sense that you haven't mastered your grammar perfectly yet.
    2) The examples are too personal. You need to use concrete example such as the life of Oscar Schindler, Jackie Robinson, Roosevelt's New Deal, etc.
    3) You dont have to write 5 paragraphs. It's better to write gud 4 paragrpahs then writing 5 mediocre paragraphs.
    4) Your arguments are unclear. You need to make it more straightforward. Outline your essay briefly and then write it.

    I hope it helps :)
  • InvoyableInvoyable Posts: 3,582Registered User Senior Member
    I honestly can't score since I'm nowhere close to even start preparing for the SAT's, but it seems that you should rather work on your grammar a bit. Try to make your arguments clear and on the point.

    If possible I suggest you get a writing tutor or something, if you have the money available. If not, hm, I'm sure it'll catch on. I have immigrants at my school who had trouble initially but with consistent reading managed to improve a lot.

    Another thing, can you possibly read more examples of the people who scored well or something? Might help to look at some examples to see what they're looking for.
  • KimJiHoKimJiHo Posts: 25Registered User New Member
    Thank you guys ! ! !
  • nontraditionalnontraditional Posts: 519Registered User Member
    If it were mine, this is what I would do to it. Different people have different voices, so it may not be what you would want to do to it.



    I entirely agree with this statement: "If you rest, you rust."

    I [saw] my friend [fail] by [being] sluggish. My friend [and I were] top 10 student at [a] Korean High School. He and I had [always] competed [against] each other in [a]cademics. He always, however, had surpassed me by two or three place until he [began to] indulge himself in indolence. [H]e was too confident and [he] did not study as hard as [he had]. He thought he [could] still be [in the] top 10 without study[ing] hard. He played game, met [with his] girlfriend, and smoked during [school]. I felt as if a cloud settled over him. After final, a teacher gave [us our] transcripts. He failed.

    [To give you a]nother example, there were two South Korea[n] [p]residents, [one of whom] succeed[ed] and [one who] failed. Mr. Park was [p]resident [of South Korea]. n 1970 [he came to] power [in a] a military coup. [The nation] condemned [him]. However, Mr. Park [worked hard and] did so many good things during his [presidency]. [H]is "New Region Project" was praised by [the whole] nation. [New Region Project] had [improved] South Korea's economy. According to "Jo Sun Il Bo[,"] which [was a major] newspaper in South Korea at that time, South Korea's Gross [Domestic] Product, [rose] from [$]7,000 to $9600. [Mr. Park was willing to work and he provided something South Korea needed.]

    In contrast, Mr. Noh[,] who was [p]resident [from] 2002 to 2007[,] was [criticized for] his indolence. Simply, he did not do anything during his [presidency]. He [often] went to movie theater to watch movie with his wife. The worst thing is that he [didn't] abdicate and be[come] a farmer without any burden although he actually did nothing. For these reasons, the nation [degree of] confidence [in] Mr. Noh [fell] by 22% in 2007.

    Once people [become] indolen[t], they do not want to do anything, and this sloth make them rust[y]. My friend and Mr. Noh had [been] corrupted by their idleness [and when they needed to perform, they didn't].



    PennDreamer has some good suggestions. I especially think that he is right about your arguments. Even though you have some problems with grammar, I think I understand what you're trying to say, but the argument isn't clear. I also suggest that as you work on grammar you practice using the active voice. In English, "The nation criticized Mr. Noh" is a stronger sentence than "Mr. Noh was criticized by the nation."

    You'll get better as you practice and as you spend more time around English speakers. Good luck.
  • KimJiHoKimJiHo Posts: 25Registered User New Member
    nontraditional// Wow ! ! ! ! I really appreciate to you for correcting my Essay ! ! ! Actually, I did not expect such a reply, even if I wrote it for helping me. I really really really reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally reallyreally really thank you !! !!! !!! !!!!!!!!!!!
    You are angel................................................... ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
    I will practice for essay during summer and I will get 6 on Oct SAT's ! ! ! !
    thank! ! ! ! ! you !
  • nontraditionalnontraditional Posts: 519Registered User Member
    KimJiHo, you're welcome.
Sign In or Register to comment.