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Grade my essay! ('Do memories help people to succeed in the present')

spideyunlimitedspideyunlimited Posts: 976Registered User Member
edited November 2012 in SAT Preparation
Prompt: Do memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present?



I strongly believe that memories help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present. The very essence of an individual depends on his experiences and the memories of those experiences – the effects they had on him and what the final situation was like. A person without memories is like a bird that must learn to fly each time it takes off from its nest – learning through failure every time.

During the Second World War, the American air forces dropped atom bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Japan. The consequences were extremely horrifying – thousands of innocent civilians were charred to death, buildings collapsed, flora and fauna perished, and the two cities were completely destroyed. Furthermore, children that were now born in these cities had genetic disorders, cerebral paralysis, physical handicaps and numerous other ailments. In order to prevent the reoccurrence of such a shocking calamity, the major political leaders of the world got together and formed the United Nations. Whenever an inter-national conflict arises, the UN steps in and tries to avert disaster. The member nations have to abide by whatever decision the UN makes regarding their policies towards one another. If the memories of the Second World War did not haunt us to this day, we would have forgotten the aftermath of war and probably such a tragedy would have occurred again.

At birth, a baby knows nothing about the world he has just entered. Everything is new for him. In fact, a baby initially sees inverted images of everything around him; it’s only by trial and error that the brain adjusts and corrects the vision thus enabling the baby to see correctly. He must learn to recognize his mother, father, siblings and relatives, to differentiate between hot and cold, to get his parents’ attention when required, and to sleep at night. As he grows up he learns to crawl, to say ‘Ma’ and ‘Pa’, and to entertain himself. Throughout his life, from childhood to an adulthood, he must learn about the world around him through his own experiences. For example, if he falls by taking a long step while walking, the next time he will remember to take short, steady steps. Thus he learns by trial and error throughout his life and his memories help him to develop mentally, physically and emotionally.

In conclusion, our memories are what define us and how we perceive the world. Without the memories of past experiences, we wouldn’t be able to progress successfully in our life’s endeavors. If we had no memories, there might have been another World War in our time, or in fact, you and I might not have reached where we are today!
Post edited by spideyunlimited on

Replies to: Grade my essay! ('Do memories help people to succeed in the present')

  • spideyunlimitedspideyunlimited Posts: 976Registered User Member
    Someone assess it!
  • az1698az1698 Posts: 1,900Registered User Senior Member
    It's ok, but a little weak. My grade would be a 7-8

    - Improve the intro: through in a line like "although some claim that memory hinders people because it prevents them from trying things that failed before but have the possibilty of working again, I feel this is untrue. The reason behind this is...." I dunno, something like that

    -Increase the vocab level
  • spideyunlimitedspideyunlimited Posts: 976Registered User Member
    Any more?? ..
  • shuaishuaishuaishuaishuaishuai Posts: 894Registered User Member
    yo stop bumping up your own thread, people will give u advices when they have time
  • uttareshuttaresh Posts: 388Registered User Member
    the American air forces dropped atom bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki in Japan.

    The American Air Force didn't exist back then. It was founded in '47. :p

    That was the USAAF, the Army's air force division. This has nothing to do with your essay, I just like to point stuff out... :D

    Now, regarding the essay.

    Your language is a little awkward sometimes. I don't know why exactly, but take a look at this sentence:
    If the memories of the Second World War did not haunt us to this day, we would have forgotten the aftermath of war and probably such a tragedy would have occurred again.
    Something doesn't sound right there.


    Next, in your second example, you focus more on the concept of learning rather than memory. You need to focus more on the main idea of your essay.

    And once again, I want to stress the fact that you should use a better, more competent vocabulary.

    Finally, you mention only the first example in your conclusion. It would've been better to mention both.

    Overall, this essay is pretty decent - though it could have been better. I give it a 9.
  • Ren the SAT'erRen the SAT'er Posts: 2,303Registered User Senior Member
    az1, do u know how a 7 essay looks like?!! based on the length, it's already an 8 for sure.
  • spideyunlimitedspideyunlimited Posts: 976Registered User Member
    I mentioned the second example in my conclusion too dude!
    We wouldn't be here cos we woeuldnt have been able to learn read walk write type or connect online at the computer lol.

    And i mentioned American air forces... not American Air Force... see I avoided the proper noun, I was just giving the description.
  • anhtimmyanhtimmy Posts: 3,256Registered User Senior Member
    I'd give it a solid 9
  • nooobnooob Posts: 2,065Registered User Senior Member
    def 9 or above. the length and some vocab helps a lot.
  • BB012BB012 Posts: 253Registered User Junior Member
    I would give it a solid 8.

    The intro for some reason is not convincing enough. Maybe you could be a little more straightforward here.

    The transitions between paragraphs are also not very smooth. Maybe you could have omitted the 2nd and 3rd sentences of the intro and instead used a transitional line like:

    I strongly believe that memories help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present. If one looks at history, one will find many compelling examples that support this thesis.

    During the Second World War, for instance...

    The shift from para 2 to 3 is also very abrupt...

    Well, this is just my opinion :)
  • ohcollege1102ohcollege1102 Posts: 249Registered User Junior Member
    All I can say is that it's not a 7. It's much higher. I made a 7 on my essay in 10th grade and my essay was A LOT worse than is. I think my second example was described with one sentence...
    I'd give it a 9.
  • mapratikdahalmapratikdahal Posts: 16Registered User New Member
    I would give it a 8 or 9. Your should practice more essay prompts to improve your essay skills. Hope that helps :)
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