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could you please score my essay??

cherry0809cherry0809 Posts: 233Registered User Junior Member
edited December 2008 in SAT Preparation
Dear all,
Good morning. Could you please score my essay (and give me some comments on how to improve it) please?? Thank you so much.

Prompt: Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.

Adapted from J.David Velleman, “The Genesis of Shame”

Assignment: should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue.


People should not make more of an effort to keep things private. Though some might say that it is imperative to have some things kept to our hearts so that we will not face serious and disastrous consequences if the secrets are opened to the air, keeping things private will bring more harm than good. Several examples below substantiate my thesis.
In the novel The Scarlet Letter, Rogers Chillingworth does not admit to the public that he is the father of his illegitimate child, Pearl. He does not dare to confess his doings as he is afraid of the serious repercussions that might come as Pearl is the child he has with a married woman, Prynne Hester with whom he has an affair. Prynee Hester also keeps his identity as a secret as she knows Rogers Chillingworth, a respected priest, will be humiliated by public if he is to profess that Pearl is his child. Because of their thoughts that keeping things private is better, both of them suffer so much thereafter. Prynee is always being humiliated as an inmoral and disgracing woman; Pearl is always mocked for growing without a father and being an illegitimate child and Rogers carries on his life with remorse and does not see any hope in his life. At the end, he cannot take it anymore and makes a confession to the public that he is the real father of Peral. After that, he dies on the scaffold. If he is brave enough to admit that fact long ago and does not keep this private, he will not have to be tortured by this trauma and they will be able to live happily instead of having this kind of ending.
Current events also prove that keeping things private is not better and making things known to the public is the best approach. One example is the recent china earthquake which was touted as one of the most disastrous catastrophes in man’s history. The china government, unlike thirty years ago when they would bar reporters form reporting their disasters for fear of being taken advantage of by other countries, allowed foreign reporters to go into their country and report everything they saw on the scenes. The outcome? I was indeed positive. Lots of foreign aid kept coming in, including the red cross paramilitary, food, blankets and so on. Because of their openness, many lives were saved as there were enough resources to carry the earthquake victims through. On the other hand, Myanmar which experienced typhoon almost at the same time, intended to keep the disasters private although it had killed many of its civilians. The Myanmar government prevented foreigners from going into their country and claimed it as ‘internal affair’. As a result, foreign aid could not be reached to the victims as nobody knew the exact situation there. As a result, the death toll kept rising drastically. It was a shame because if the government adopted the open-mindedness as that of the china’s , many incent lives could have been saved. Lives were lost because of the naiveness of the Myanmar government which believed keeping things private was the best approach.
In conclusion, people should not make more of an effort to keep some things private.
Post edited by cherry0809 on

Replies to: could you please score my essay??

  • Ro843Ro843 Posts: 28Registered User New Member
    u should probably write out an entire conclusion instead of just that one sentence. Also, don't use the words "In conclusion" in that paragraph.
  • danny411danny411 Posts: 72Registered User Junior Member
    Never seen the prompt before so nice work.

    secrets are not good. first idea is really good but i don't like the second.

    here's the big hint from the prompt; “The Genesis of Shame

    shame is what you want to talk about; the first one is good. How bout secrets that lead to child abuse-- residential schools up here is a good example. Abuse by priests was kept secret--the gov and church have tried to cover it up--paid victims under the table, denied abuse,haven't brought the priests to trial...--

    conclusion, my parents told me not to keep secrets...something like that?



    heres something that works good; After Hester is publicly shamed ---forced by the people of Boston to wear a badge of humiliation--
  • cherry0809cherry0809 Posts: 233Registered User Junior Member
    Thank you for your comments. hmm, u think u would give me how many marks for this esssay??
  • danny411danny411 Posts: 72Registered User Junior Member
    11/12 your conclusion is short...and maybe the second example doesn't relate to shame as well as other examples....but its solid...
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