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Can success be disastrous - please grade my essay

CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
edited April 2009 in SAT Preparation
Here is my essay.I tried to use upper level vocabulary and write adequate examples.I am not sure that my concluding paragraph was good ; i was running out of time and couldnt make up sth better ;) Please,give me a grade and tell me how to improve .I promise i will review your essay :}

Prompt ''Can success be disastrous''

Many successful people have disastrous lifes.A successful person is reputed to have great education,remunerative job and perfect life ,in general .However,many successful people skimp on their personal life,caring only about their careers.When they reach a certain age ,they realize that their life is empty ,and besides all the money and glory ,they have nothing.The subsequent examples from history,literature,and science substantiate my thesis and prove that the success can also be disastrous.

In 1559 Elizabeth I became the first queen of England.After her coronation,many people tought that it was absolutely preposterous and ludicrous that a woman was ruling the whole English empery.Non only she improved the life of the peasants in the country ,but she also subjugated many new colonial territories.Her life was definitely very successful ,but also disastrous because she didnt have any progeny to bequeath her empery to.Her rule is known as ''The Golden Age'' ,which proves how successful she was.However,many historians think that her life was very unhappy and can be considered disastrous.

''The artisan'' is one of the most famous novels of the Australian author Gorden Adams.It is about a little boy who dreams to become a carpenter like his father,who thinks that his son has much more potencial and wants him to be a doctor or an engineer.The boy leaves Australia and goes to the USA where he becomes a famous rocket engineer and achieves everything his father dreamed of.In the end of the novel ,the main character regrets that he did not become a carpenter and delineates his whole life as disastrous because he did not achieve his dream.''The Artisan'' teaches us that even the most successful person may have a disastrous life.

The Russian physicist Nikolai Ivanov invented the microwaves in 1895.He spent thirty years before his efforts came to fruition ; he then found out that an Italian engineer had already made the same discovery.Ivanov feelt that his life was completely meaningless .He commited a suicide soon after the Italian engineer won the nobel prize.The Russian also had a very successful life .but it ended disastrously too.

Success does not guarantee a happy life.Sometimes successful people realize that heir life was complete falure ,while poor people think they have achieved everything .In the end,everyone realizes that they can never have everything.
Post edited by CR7_ManUtd on

Replies to: Can success be disastrous - please grade my essay

  • CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
    It seems I have made some errors while copying the test :) like ''feelt'' instead of ''felt' and
    ''successful life .but it ended disastrously too. '' where obviously I need ' , ' instead off ' . '
    ;[[
  • CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
    bump bump bump
  • pollocampero6060pollocampero6060 Posts: 348Registered User Junior Member
    i personally think you started off well, but the last two paragraphs seemed a little short and perhaps rushed; the conclusion in particular definitely needs to be longer.

    I would personally give it a 9, but I may be way off compared to real SAT essay graders

    p.s

    bye bye man united!!! vamos porta ahahaha
  • pollocampero6060pollocampero6060 Posts: 348Registered User Junior Member
    *porto 10 char
  • one_proud_Koreanone_proud_Korean Posts: 264- Junior Member
    I'd give it a 11/12

    clear and your language flows well.
  • christiansoldierchristiansoldier Posts: 1,342Registered User Senior Member
    The opening is fairly clumsy. Outside of science, economics, government, and some forms of history papers, you don't refer to your own thesis as "my thesis."

    There are no transitions and the ideas are only mildly developed. The concluding statement "some poor people think they have achieved everything" was never substantiated in the essay.

    That said, given that you used mature examples and have pretty good command of the language itself, I'd say you got a 9 or a 10. Probably a 10.

    Next time, I'd recommend that you develop one or at most two ideas fully, exploring all ways that they connect with the thesis and concluding by expanding the relevance of your specific examples.
  • CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
    Yes,this was my mistake.I only have written two SAT essays.The first one was on the JAN testing,and the second one is this .I got 9 in Jan ,and I am hoping to improve it to 11 in June.MQ are not problem ; I hardly make more than 3-4 errors
  • tim739`tim739` Posts: 228Registered User Junior Member
    Firstly, there's many spelling errors throughout the essay. Whenever there was a error, I looked at my keyboard and no way are most of your errors from typos because the letters you typed are far away from the correct letters on the keyboard.

    Things I would do better:

    The plural of life is lives, not life.

    There should be an 'a' before great education and renumerative job- they need articles.

    In general should be moved to the front of that sentence and you misused the comma.

    When they reach a certain age ,they realize that their life is empty ,and besides all the money and glory ,they have nothing.

    The above sentence misuses commas.

    Never refer to your thesis as 'your thesis' just say 'Success can be disastrous as the lives of Elizabeth, the artisan and Ivanov illustrate' or sometihng along those lines.

    One of the sentences in your first paragraph should be 'Not only did she improve the lives of the peasants in the country, but she subjugated many territories'.

    The first paragraph is completely underdeveloped and lacking. You have one sentence about how she is sucessful, one sentence about how it is diastrous and then you say 'Historians say it is disastrous' or something. You need three sentences on all the successful things she's done, way more information on why her life is disastrous (so what, she didn't have any kids, is that a disaster?)

    Gordon Adams has an 'o' in Gordon, not an e.

    Potential, not potencial.

    More development in the second paragraph, but good.

    How did the Russia have a successful life? You don't even talk about how he did and the only hint you give that his life was successful was 'he invented something someone else did'.

    Conclusion is good.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    You need to explain everything a lot better and have way more development. You also need to proof read your essay and develop your paragraphs. On the positive side, your vocabulary is excellent and you take a clear position on the topic, so keep that up!

    I looked at the SAT rubric:

    you develop a point of view on the issue, demostrating some critical thinking but may do so inconsistently or use inadequate examples, reasons or other evidence to support its position (from the 3 section)

    is generally organized and focused, demostrating some coherence and progression of ideas (from the 4 section)

    exhibits facility in the use of language, using appropriate vocabulary (from the 5 section)

    demostates some variety in sentence structure (from the 4 section)

    has an accumulation of errors errors in grammar, usage and mechanics (from the 3 section)

    4/6.
  • CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
    Yep,thanx for the great review :} I will no longer use three examples because they only slow me down.I ve heard that there are many students getting 12s with only 2 examples.

    I am international student,not native speaker ,so I guess 10 I will be glad to get 10 on the actuall test ,considering that MQ are very easy :)
  • christiansoldierchristiansoldier Posts: 1,342Registered User Senior Member
    Also don't be afraid to use personal examples. Some people will scream at you not to, but examples in the first person are generally easier to write grammatically. If you're not an English speaker, chances are you mostly use the first person point of view in your class. You would probably do really well doing a personal example, especially if it strongly implies that you aren't a native speaker. Readers will be impressed by that.

    And you can still get a 12 if you make the connection to your thesis clear. It worked for me.
  • ldftalkldftalk Posts: 123Registered User Junior Member
    This is definitely a 5/6, so maybe a 10/12 if you add up two graders' scores.
  • CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
    OK,but I am somehow afraid of writing personal example.I think graders may not take me seriously because they now that there is very good probabilty that my example is made - up - it is not real.But if I use examples from literature and history,they somehow sound more mature and authoritarive.

    Do graders know that they are grading an essay of international student ?
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