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Is the world changing for the better - Please My Essay

CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
edited September 2012 in SAT Preparation
Hey guys ,I will be glad if you read my essay and give me tips how ti improve it .Thankx in advance

Prompt : Is the world changing for the better

The world is changing all the time.Some people think it changes for the better ,while otherr think it worsens.In my opinion , the world around us is becoming better and better.I believe that we should always try to ameliorate our ''own world'' ,making the whole world a better place.The subsequent examples from history and literature assert my point of view that our world is always changing and it changes for the better .
In 14th century,in Italy began the era of the Renaissance.The new thinking and new ideas superseded the belief that God had created the world and he was everything we should have strived for ,our paragon of virtue.In 1356 a yound woman accidentally discovered male and a famale body in the wood.She was very astute and quite interested in biology and realized thath men and women had the same number of ribs.According to The Bible ,God takes one rib away from women and gives it to men ,in order to make them more powerful than women.Later,this woman became the first person to contravene the mores and ideas of the church ,becoming the first doctor in the world.The Renaissance absolutely changed the view that God was omnipotent and that we were under his authority.This era gave the world writers like Dante and Bocacco ,artists and scientists like Leonardo da Vinci .These people decided to controvert the church and change the world.They made it better !

''The dreamers'' is a novel , written by one of the most famous African writers Walter Uanda.The novel is about two brothers who dream of becoming politicians and changing the communistic regime of their country.Inspired by true events,the author recounts how the young boy is killed during a ''peaceful'' demonstration by the national army ; twenty years later ,his brother becomes tha first democratic president of the country.The champions the poor and influences smany African countries to stand against communism.He changed the African world for the better .

The world does not change in a constant rate.We choose how to change it ,and it depends on us if it will be changing for the better or for the worse.Since it`s inception ,the Earth has been evolving , and it keeps evolving at the moment ; we all hope it evolves for the better .
Post edited by CR7_ManUtd on

Replies to: Is the world changing for the better - Please My Essay

  • CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
  • Mrs WeasleyMrs Weasley Posts: 611Registered User Junior Member
    Here's a source for scoring:
    How the Essay is Scored

    And tips:
    SAT The Essay
  • CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
    You were not very helpful :)
  • python38python38 Posts: 1,304Registered User Senior Member
    I think you should work on your grammar.
  • ajibikeajibike Posts: 144Registered User Junior Member
    Yes. The grammar could use a bit of work. ;) You want to be concise, so this "changing and it changes for the better." is just a bit redundant. It'd be a lot more effective to simply state "changing for the better" or the "world changes for the better". Whichever. The wording and "flow" of the paragraphs are a bit... off. Try reading it aloud and see how it sounds? Awkward in some places, right? Look at this section: "In 14th century,in Italy began the era of the Renaissance.The new thinking and new ideas superseded the belief that God had created the world and he was everything we should have strived for ,our paragon of virtue.."

    The first part is a little wordy and sounds odd . The 14th century Italian Renaissance thrust innovation, that superseded religion, into the forefront of whatever...

    "According to The Bible ,God takes one rib away from women and gives it to men ,in order to make them more powerful than women." Maybe: During this religiously influenced time period, many still held the biblical truths to be without mistake; contrary to popular belief, (name the woman--helps out a lot) found that both man and woman... blah blah. Or something. That section needs a bit of clean-up.

    "Later,this woman became the first person to contravene the mores and ideas of the church ,becoming the first doctor in the world."
    The becoming the first doctor in the world doesn't fit well there. You need to re-arrange the sentence somehow.

    "The Renaissance absolutely changed the view that God was omnipotent and that we were under his authority."
    That'd be false. They were really relatively religious during the Renaissance (which didn't just occur in Italy btw). If anything, the Enlightenment turned toward thinking instead of depending upon the bible for answers. Also you don't want to use "we" here. You are changing the POV mid-sentence.

    "This era gave the world writers like Dante and Bocacco ,artists and scientists like Leonardo da Vinci .These people decided to controvert the church and change the world.They made it better !"
    Born of this era, list names here.
    It'd be best to balance the sentence with equal examples of artists and scientists and writers. I realize that da Vinci was considered both a scientist and an artist, but it makes the sentence look a bit weak, and doesn't really get your point across.
    The second to last sentence confused me actually! It was really choppy as well.
    The very last sentence would work with its short length to show variety, but I think it could be worded better.

    I don't have time to read the rest, but I think you should capitalize "The Dreamers" unless it isn't supposed to be capitalized? You have a nice vocabulary selection, but at some points it sounds forced, like you have a thesaurus at times? Idk, maybe find better ways to make the "big guns" slide into sentences without looking obvious.

    From skimming over the second part, the literary example doesn't really prove your point? It doesn't seem to correlate with the first point (which isn't very clear). Idk. Just try re-vamping it. Hope some of that helped.
  • CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
    You helped a lot.Thank you very much
  • ajibikeajibike Posts: 144Registered User Junior Member
    No problem! Always glad to help.
  • CR7_ManUtdCR7_ManUtd Posts: 976- Member
    I think I have a problem with the 'comma usage' rules.On MQ I hardly make more than 3 or 4 errors but when I write the essay ,sometimes bause of the time pressure I make stupid mistakes :)
  • aaroncessnaaaroncessna Posts: 1Registered User New Member
    hey this is a great essay. i fixed a few punctuation errors and submitted it for one of my essays and i got a 90%!!!!!! :) thank you
  • DrDracoDrDraco Posts: 2Registered User New Member
    A nice piece but just some errors and punctuation mistakes...
    The example for the 'dreamer' was good and shows you that you are a great reader, read more and more, that is a good way to improve your English.
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