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ready to throw D through a wall, help!

ChocoBabeChocoBabe Registered User Posts: 10 New Member
edited November 2012 in Athletic Recruits
D is a talented swimmer but we have discussed all along how she's not big State U recruit material. She wanted a VERY large school, not in a city, and not so far she can't come home for the occasional weekend. Back before she toured any schools, our large well known & respected flagship U where she went to swim camp in the summers was her "dream school".

At every step along the recruiting process, I have asked her "here WITH swimming, or state U without"? This caused us to eliminate two of the four schools where she did overnights. It also caused us to cull many interested schools from the list where she could have done OVs.

Maybe two months ago, we discovered she had been using some illegal substances and pretty regularly. She's been different, its hard to say how much of our current issues are about the drugs and how much was senioritis that would have happened anyway. It hasn't affected her swim times and her grades... well, she's struggling to try to pull up a C right now but it's an honors subject in which she's had Cs before. But where she was almost perpetually good-natured and cheerful if not a little lazy, now she has been surly from time to time. She now sometimes says she's hated every school she's visited, and even that she doesn't want to go to college, she'll just work in a store and be poor.

She's received three D1 offers and one D3. The two that she claimed to have liked previously both offered $$$ and both are competitive although not Ivies. Its safe to say she was worthy without the swimming but was by no means a shoe-in without that hook. They are both much smaller than she wanted but at least one of them serves up everything else she could have wanted plus the swimming, and is one of the highest ranking schools I've ever seen in terms of "if I had to do it over...". It is also an easy jaunt into a large city and close to three other colleges which to me makes up for it only having 5,000 students. She came very close to verbally committing (coach didn't actually ask yet, he's actually looking to get her even more $)

On a whim she went out for a discovery weekend at our state's "also-ran" U with a buddy this weekend. It's quite a large school, in a city, and 5 - 6 hours away where we had been looking within 3 - 4. Guess which is the school she says she actually likes for the first time?

Until this year she's never been anything but trustworthy. This school is a great school, but they are so fast there is no way she can even walk on. We were trusting to her competitiveness and the close eye of her teammates and coach to keep her grades up and keep her from partying too much. But we are also not the ones who would have to sacrifice 20 hours a week to a varsity sport or jump in a cold pool at 7:00 am every day.

Any thoughts anyone? We're thinking of insisting she swim D1 for a year and that after a year letting her transfer if she wants. But I don't know how much of that is my own sadness at no longer being mom to a recruited athlete. Also, at one point she said she wanted to coach swimming as an adult, and I don't see that happening at all if she doesn't swim in college. As a side note, the D3 team apparently smokes together regularly but all her D1 visits have been completely clean.
Post edited by ChocoBabe on

Replies to: ready to throw D through a wall, help!

  • DreadpiritDreadpirit Registered User Posts: 491 Member
    forcing someone to be a division 1 athlete who's heart isn't in it is a recipe for disaster. It is tough road to hoe for someone who wants it more than anything, I cannot imagine it ending well for someone who isn't into it.
  • MaterMiaMaterMia Registered User Posts: 1,155 Senior Member
    Am I crazy- but I would not be financially supporting a child who I know is using illegal drugs in any way in college. If I can afford to help pay, and if the child is willing to take my own random drug tests - then she could go to whichever school/program she wanted - if she stayed clean.

    If the D is using illegal drugs she runs the risk of losing any scholarship with a random drug test, a bust, etc. Let's keep in mind - it's still illegal. She could go to jail.

    I think you are missing the real issue here - the drugs. Pot is often a gateway drug - and that would be my concern with her going to college, not whether she was swimming or at D1 or D3 program.
  • ChocoBabeChocoBabe Registered User Posts: 10 New Member
    ^^ No I agree with your concerns MaterMia, but I was already writing a long enough rant about her sudden likely desire to drop sports altogether. We've been monitoring her for several months and in several ways since we dropped the hammer on her. We have a test kit set aside. She is no longer allowed to sleep over at anyone's house and is subject to being picked up or checked on at parties at unexpected times. We're also checking her grades on the internet which is something we never felt we had to do before... honors student and all that.The one time we knew through one of our monitoring methods that she had been smoking again, she fessed up when we brought the cup out which is when we took away her sleepover privileges altogether . After we found out about what went on at the D3 visit (recruits being offered weed) I started what turned into a fairly long thread about drug use. I myself barely even drink, but tend to feel if alcohol is legal grass should be too. Which isn't to say I like my daughter doing either one when it means she puts us at legal risk, others in danger, or even just lies on the couch for hours next day laughing at "Adult Swim" cartoons. But that's a topic for another board...

    My concern for the purposes of the recruiting board is, is my daughter burnt out on her sport, or just not liking what her choices turned out to be as a swimmer, both of which would be valid reasons for dropping the whole recruiting process at the 11th hour? OR is this just the pod person who seems to have replaced my daughter this year talking and can she be exorcised/reprogrammed and would my real daughter thank me for making her stick it out? She will NEVER get this chance again to swim at this level, and it would be a lot easier for us to do the monitoring/continued random checkups if she is at her former first choice which is only a couple hours away for us and not the six hour haul the state U is. I also tend to fear her having all kinds of time on her hands and the loss of the structure, coach oversight, and teammates depending on her.

    H and I are going to have to figure out the conditions in which we would be willing to have her go so far from home. I don't think we will force her to go to any particular school. If she wanted a big school this badly I wish she had said so before we did all the unofficial visits and OVs etc etc
  • Carla2012Carla2012 Registered User Posts: 266 Junior Member
    Although I agree that its impossible to make someone swim who doesn't want to, I think I agree with you that in this case, being far from home with a lot of unstructured time on DD's hands is a recipe for trouble. For many kids, being part of a team - especially in a new school, provides a support group and structure that is really needed. I like your idea of having your DD (who is now on home "probation") go to a school closer to home and swim for a year. If after that year, she shows maturity to handle college but still wants to go to the larger state school, at that time she can transfer.
    The potential drug issue is the most important one you are dealing with. That will affect her entire future and its important to keep her on a clean path. I think you are doing everything right (with the monitoring, and limits). I am sure you feel like the "mean mom" but really you are the best mom. She will thank you later in life.
  • fenwaysouthfenwaysouth Registered User Posts: 988 Member
    I agree with others that you have bigger issues other than which scholarship to select. Life lessons about choices and drugs vastly outweigh athletics IMHO. This probably couldn't have happened at a worse time (recruiting & offers) for the parents of a student athlete, but it is here none the less. Your D needs your help to get her life back whether she'll admit it or not.

    One thing I would research is any Health or Psych benefits your employer offers. One of my company's benefits is Psych benefits or substance abuse. I'd call the number and set up an appt for professional counceling to see how it goes. Possibly the counceling could turn her around quickly to see that she has some extraordinary life opportunities in front of her.

    I also like the idea of her going to school close to home to be monitored. She needs support and guidance too. You can decide about the swimming after she proves she is clean, and has the passion to swim again. I don't have to tell you competitve swimming is a huge time committment. She has to want to swim, and she'll have to stay clean to do it. The random NCAA drug testing is for recreational drugs too. My son is a college junior. He has been tested a bunch of times.

    Good luck, and I wish you well.
  • SteveMASteveMA Registered User Posts: 6,079 Senior Member
    Send her to school in Colorado and your problems are solved.....

    A few things jump out at me--first you mention she got an offer from a D3 school--how did she get a scholarship offer from a D3 program??? Next you throw out that the schools she did get offers from aren't Ivy's--well, they don't give scholarships. Then you make the comment that you are sad that you aren't the mom of a "recruited athlete" and then you just brush off that she has been doing drugs.

    I think you first need to get your DD the help she needs, second, if she commits to a scholarship and uses drugs and tests positive, she is done with that sport. Then you need to step back and evaluate who the scholarship is really for? D1 swimming, or any sport really, is a lifestyle, not just something you do. If she is burned out on her sport, she isn't going to be competitive in college and will lose her scholarship. Perhaps looking at a club sport might be a better way to go. Since she wants to go to a large school, most likely they will have some options that way.

    There is nothing wrong with her choosing not to compete in college. If you need the validation you can say that she got those offers but decided to focus on her studies and not her sport in college.
  • ChocoBabeChocoBabe Registered User Posts: 10 New Member
    SteveMa, when I say "offer" I mean "a place on a selective team that comes with various other benefits". In the case of an Ivy, for me that would have meant a likely letter but again that was a no-go. At one of the D1 schools it would have been simply preferred housing and preferred registration. The other two D1s offered both academic and athletic scholarship money. In the case of the D3, it is an academic scholarship and acceptance into a highly selective 5 yr MS program. Yes I know she could still receive the latter if she dropped her sport but it seems dishonorable to me.

    Am I brushing off the drug use? Absolutely not, she has been living in a half state of house arrest until she proves herself trustworthy and brings her grades back up. But I don't think the situation calls for in-patient rehab either.

    The idea of counseling is a good one although the last one I spoke with said he smoked his way through graduate school, and another one said at this age, you can drag them in but you can't force them to talk. I fully understand my daughter is the one who should get to choose if she has to spend 20 hours a week in the pool. My concern is whether or not she is currently in her right mind and how hard do we try to talk her into sticking it out. It could be the withdrawal talking (although the weed smokers insist it isn't addictive) or a reaction to the parental interference to her life. Believe me the monitoring will continue no matter where she is and maybe one of our conditions for letting her go to distant State U on our dime is, she will have to agree to go to a lab for testing when we ask her... must do some internet research to see if this is possible.
  • MaterMiaMaterMia Registered User Posts: 1,155 Senior Member
    One thought - I would have the test dates set up - monthly, both now and later. I had a friend go through this - and that was one of the single best things they did. They went to a lab and took a test each month. I know the pot smokers all say it's not addictive - and I will tell you, their behaviors seem to indicate otherwise.
  • stalkermamastalkermama Registered User Posts: 586 Member
    You have a test kit set aside? ha...go get a dozen from walgreens. It's urine in a cup. Start tonight. Watch her go...they have all sorts of tricks. I did this when my kid was 14...nipped it in the "bud" in a week!
  • ShrinkrapShrinkrap Registered User Posts: 11,788 Senior Member
    If you KNOW when the test is coming, it is way easier to plan a way around.

    I have been taught that you don't do tests unless you have a plan for what you will do with a positive result.

    OTOH, I can imagine it being a good deterrent for a VERY motivated adult. Someone who doesnt want to be incarcerated or lose tneir job. In that situation, it know, y seems fair to do it right, and you might want leave that to folks who specialize in such things.

    For an almost adult, about to live away from home, I just can't wrap my head around what all the current monitoring will achieve in the long run. If your insurance covers therapy, that might help figuring that question out. "Motivational interviewing", I think. That would be different from specialized substance abuse treatment, where this might be considered pretty light weight.
This discussion has been closed.