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Please edit my transfer essay!!!

ClaySoulClaySoul - Posts: 2,176 Senior Member
edited February 2005 in College Admissions
Please edit my transfer essay to Brown! I am a freshman at Tulane University. My college GPA is 3.64. My midterm grades for the current semester sholud be a 3.85 or greater. and my high school GPA is a 3.96. Top 10% in HS. 1370 SAT. Crazy awesome EC, but primarily from high school. The rugby team desperately wants me there, but they are club so they don't have any recruiting power, only subtle influence. I was waitlisted last year.

The prompt for this essay was "Articulate your college experience so far adn your reasons for transferring to Brown"

Please edit for style, content, organization, cheeziness factor, gammar, etc, as well as how effectively it answers the question.
Also, is it too long? It's about 610 words. I just have so much to say!!!!


Zydeco Nights

I started my college career at Tulane University in New Orleans. New Orleans is unique, with fantastic music and an eccentric, fun-loving culture. One of my classes was dedicated to exploring New Orleans culture. Among our many field trips was a trip to a dance hall for Zydeco Night.
Before we left, we had a lesson from a professor expert in Zydeco grooves. “Care to Dance?” he said with intense enthusiasm? “Zydeco Style” Get ready to spin and shake your hips to the accordion, washboard, and zesty Habanera rhythms you will be hearing tonight!” The class had a great time at the dance hall, dancing with friends and teachers. I was so impressed by the band’s vibrant explosion of sound that I purchased a CD
When I returned home for winter break, I tried to teach my family how to Zydeco. Unfortunately, they had difficulty and soon gave up. But they were delighted just to try, and experience some of New Orleans culture. Their delight made me realize how accustomed I had become to living in New Orleans. It was a surprise to return home to those who did not live and breath New Orleans. I understood then how special many of my experiences this semester had been. Amid going to class, learning, and making friends, I was able to experience world wholly different than my own.
Attending Tulane this year was a surprise for me after I was not accepted to my first choice colleges. But even though it was unexpected, perhaps even unwanted, I gained a unique knowledge and wealth of experience in my time here. There will always be disappointments in life. However, within them, there are always opportunities.
Despite positive aspects of my year at Tulane, my passion for being part of Brown University’s academic community remains as strong as ever.
At Brown, I can actively pursue my three main interests: Neuroscience, rugby, and ceramics. Brown has one of the foremost programs with an incredible breadth of course and major options. Not only is it on the cutting edge of the field with advancements in paralysis therapy and the recent graduate partnership with the National Institute of Health, it harbors the flexibility to create one’s own major curriculum. Unlike at Tulane, I would be able to create a program that incorporates all of my interests in neuroscience, such as biopsychology, cell biology, animal behavior, and cognitive science. Brown also has a dedicated faculty that enhances learning though both teaching and research opportunities for undergraduates.
Additionally, I would be able to pursue my passion for ceramics through cross-registration at Rhode Island School of Design, one of the best art schools in the country. I could also explore other areas of fine art through Brown’s own excellent program. Brown also has an incredible rugby team.
I am an avid rugby player and want to play rugby at a competitive collegiate level, which is not available at Tulane. Brown’s team is a perfect fit for me -- enthusiastic, fun loving, and dedicated to the game.
Furthermore, Brown liberal arts focus and innovative open curriculum would allow me to pursue those interests and more, such as women’s studies, political science, and theater. Brown also has a unique, intelligent, motivated, and friendly student body.
I am looking for a school with a supportive community atmosphere. Brown has that, with its residential campus, non-disciplinary Resident Advisors, and involved guidance counselors with only a few students.
Brown University is a place I could call home, academically, socially, and personally. I feel I would be able to get a superb education at Brown, enhanced by its extra curricular options, academic and social life, and supportive community.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR *ANY* HELP YOU CAN OFFER!


Note: There have been advisory warnings about not posting essays on CC because people might copy them. I have trust that the cool folk at CC wouldn't do this. So please, yeah, don't.
Post edited by ClaySoul on

Replies to: Please edit my transfer essay!!!

  • NorthstarmomNorthstarmom Registered User Posts: 24,853 Senior Member
    I think that you should shorten the lead. It's nice, but its length left me thinking, "If he likes New Orleans and Tulane that much, why is he transferring?"

    I also think that you should balance the lead by painting some kind of scene featuring you in the life you wish to live at Brown. What stands out to me in your essay is that you're so serious about your passions such as neuroscience and ceremics that you're willing to give up the party atmosphere and warm climate that you're loving now to go to a much more serious place.

    I think, though, you need to highlight this even more, and painting a picture of the life you'd like to have at Brown would help.

    While it's nice that you like rugby, I don't think that emphasizing that will help your cause as much as your emphasizing how much you're interested in the intellectual offerings of the Brown experience.

    If you have visited Brown, too, draw on your memories of that visit so you can make it clear to the adcoms that you really understand that Brown is not in a lively, partying city like New Orleans, but the Brown environment is definitely what you want.
  • ClaySoulClaySoul - Posts: 2,176 Senior Member
    well they have parties at brown too, right?
  • NorthstarmomNorthstarmom Registered User Posts: 24,853 Senior Member
    Of course they have parties at Brown, but Providence and Brown aren't known as the kind of party places that Tulane and New Orleans are. While Tulane shuts down for Mardi Gras, Brown shuts down for blizzards. Big difference!
  • ClaySoulClaySoul - Posts: 2,176 Senior Member
    Well that's the thing, I was trying to say I like New Orleans, but not that I liked Tulane thaht much. The overall message I was tryinig to send was that I unfortuneatly didn't get what I hoped for but managed to find some positive aspects of the situation I was in anyways.

    Is that conveyed? And if not, do you have suggestiosn on how to convey it?
  • ClaySoulClaySoul - Posts: 2,176 Senior Member
    NOrthstarmom: I thought I would mention rugby because it's one thing Tulane definitely doesn't have. Also, my admin counselor is a rugby fan adn the rugby coaches have been in contact with admin people trying to "recruit me," though they have no official spots/say in the matter
  • NorthstarmomNorthstarmom Registered User Posts: 24,853 Senior Member
    In that case, you have an excellent reason to mention rugby.
  • ClaySoulClaySoul - Posts: 2,176 Senior Member
    :) I only wish they recruited like varsity!
  • ClaySoulClaySoul - Posts: 2,176 Senior Member
    Any suggestions on how to make it sound less positive about tulane without seeming negative and bitter and focus more on brown while not making it any longer? The whole first segment is about Tulane, whereas the second is about Brown. Any ideas on how to mesh the two?
  • ClaySoulClaySoul - Posts: 2,176 Senior Member
    I changed a paragraph:

    When I returned home for winter break, I tried to teach my family how to Zydeco. Unfortunately, they had difficulty and soon gave up. But they were delighted just to try, and experience some of New Orleans culture. Their delight made me realize how accustomed I had become to living in New Orleans. It was a surprise to return home to those who did not live and breath New Orleans. I understood then that despite the dissapointing aspects of Tulane, just how special some of my experiences had been. Amid going to class, learning, and making friends, I was able to experience world wholly different than my own.
  • NorthstarmomNorthstarmom Registered User Posts: 24,853 Senior Member
    Keep this lead:
    "I started my college career at Tulane University in New Orleans. New Orleans is unique, with fantastic music and an eccentric, fun-loving culture. One of my classes was dedicated to exploring New Orleans culture. Among our many field trips was a trip to a dance hall for Zydeco Night.
    Before we left, we had a lesson from a professor expert in Zydeco grooves. “Care to Dance?” he said with intense enthusiasm? “Zydeco Style” Get ready to spin and shake your hips to the accordion, washboard, and zesty Habanera rhythms you will be hearing tonight!” The class had a great time at the dance hall, dancing with friends and teachers."

    Transition here (something on the order of, "While Tulane and New Orleans have been great, what I long for is" -- segue here into a scene describing your fantasized life at Brown. Paint as vivid a picture as you painted of the zydeco in new Orleans.
This discussion has been closed.