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Posting my first short essay....please read

vinzzyvinzzy Registered User Posts: 314 Member
edited October 2004 in College Admissions
This is a short answer for UMich. The question asks, "What led you to choose the area(s) on academic interest that you have listed in your application to UMich?


My passion for science really developed outside the classroom. While most of my classmates get their daily dose of science in school, I often immersed myself in it in my free time. When I was little, I’d tinker with things around the house to figure how they worked. My first science project that was to be judged was in fifth grade. I did a simple, but detailed, project on how the density of water affects an object’s ability to float. Like any other fifth grader, I was daunted by the prospect of being judged. But when I gave my presentation, I felt a sense of professionalism. Even at the wee age of ten, I felt like a real scientist presenting his discovery. Another science fair project chance did not come until my sophomore year in high school. Now that I had a more comprehensive knowledge in biology, I constructed a project using materials from my high school lab. My project’s title was, “Got milk…that is E. coli infested?” The project investigated how lactose concentrations affect E. coli growth rate. I presented my project in my high school fair, district fair, and state fair; earning a superior rating in all three fairs. The following year, I decided to do something more complex than my previous project. I contacted the biology department in the University of Akron, and landed an opportunity to work with Dr. Liu, an assistant professor. I proposed an idea which related to his line of studies. My project investigated cadherin expression in the regenerating cerebellum of an adult zebrafish. Dr. Liu provided the antibodies and materials required to conduct the experiment. I worked on the project for four months. I used this project to win awards and science fairs. But working with Dr. Liu was more valuable than winning awards. It gave me a glimpse of a scientist’s world. Working with Dr. Liu convinced me to seek a career in research. My goal is to study at a renowned research institution. I believe the University of Michigan will help me reach that goal.

Please give me some feedback. Thanks!
Post edited by vinzzy on

Replies to: Posting my first short essay....please read

  • marlgirlmarlgirl Registered User Posts: 1,096 Senior Member
    Zebrafish can regenerate their cerebellum? Hmm...
  • anijen21anijen21 Registered User Posts: 134 Junior Member
    I liked it. I felt smart reading it, even though I didn't know what you were talking about. But the admissions people probably will know what you're talking about, so that won't matter.

    ...

    It was well-written.
  • vinzzyvinzzy Registered User Posts: 314 Member
    thanks for the advice!!

    does the last two sentences make sense? I think they'd know what I mean, but I think its worded wrong.

    anymore inputs?
  • vinzzyvinzzy Registered User Posts: 314 Member
    bumppppppp
  • r2005r2005 Registered User Posts: 306 Member
    I don't really like how the sentences gradually get shorter-- I mean, it's a great strategy, but is not always effective unless the shortest ones and jam packed with power/profundity. Also, let the REASON you love science shine through. I'm seeing a few too many facts.

    I would fix some small areas-- i.e. redundancy. "But working with" was used rather often. Try to use a more active verb. I do liket he last sentence, though.

    ETA: use a semicolon here.. "... was more valuable than winning awards; it gave me a glimpse of a scientist's world."
  • nngmmnngmm Registered User Posts: 5,708 Senior Member
    "While most of my classmates get their daily dose of science in school"--should be "got" instead of "get"

    I did not like your ending ("My goal is to study at a renowned research institution.") I think your goal should be to study at a kind of institution that could provide you with research opportunities and interaction with world class researchers. The name recognition should not be your goal, at least judging by the rest of your essay.
  • vinzzyvinzzy Registered User Posts: 314 Member
    thanks for the input.

    But before I post my revised essay, r2005, what do you mean by the REASON you love science shine through? i said that science passion developed outside the class, and i gave examples of it (science fair). is that okay, or do u mean something else? also i have 373 words!! its supposed to only have approximately 250. Is there any excess fat I can trim?

    revised:
    My passion for science really developed outside the classroom. While most of my classmates got their daily dose of science in school, I often immersed myself in it in my free time. When I was little, I’d tinker with things around the house to figure how they worked. My first science project that was to be judged was in fifth grade. I did a simple, but detailed, project on how the density of water affects an object’s ability to float. Like any other fifth grader, I was daunted by the prospect of being judged. But when I gave my presentation, I felt a sense of professionalism. Even at the wee age of ten, I felt like a scientist presenting his discovery. Another science fair project chance did not come until my sophomore year in high school. Now that I had a more comprehensive knowledge in biology, I constructed a project using materials from my high school lab. My project’s title was, “Got milk…that is E. coli infested?” The project investigated how lactose concentrations affect E. coli growth rate. I presented my project in my high school fair, district fair, and state fair; earning a superior rating in all three fairs. The judges often commended my enthusiasm when I presented my project. The following year, I decided to do something more complex than my previous project. I contacted the biology department in the University of Akron, and landed an opportunity to work with Dr. Liu, an assistant professor. I proposed an idea which related to his line of studies. My project investigated cadherin expression in the regenerating cerebellum of an adult zebrafish. Dr. Liu provided the antibodies and materials required to conduct the experiment. I worked on the project for four months. I participated in science fairs using my research, and won many awards. But working with Dr. Liu was more valuable than winning awards; it gave me a glimpse of a scientist’s world. The four months I spent in the lab convinced me to seek a career in research. My goal is to study at an institution that would provide me research opportunities and the chance to interact with renowned professors. I believe the University of Michigan will help me reach that goal.

    also, does it flow? anything breaky?
    thanks
  • vinzzyvinzzy Registered User Posts: 314 Member
    bumpppppppp
  • vinzzyvinzzy Registered User Posts: 314 Member
    bummpp...i gotta get my michigan app out soon. lol
  • r2005r2005 Registered User Posts: 306 Member
    Nicely done-- it flows much better now (definitely not as choppy as it was).
    Last sentence-- "...the chance to interact with renowned professors." Replace renowned with another word-- brilliant, passionate, approachable? That's just my opininon, but renowned does work as well.

    When I asked that question, I meant, why exactly do you love science? Is it your endless pursuit for knowledge? Your pragmatism? A curiosity regarding the world around you?

    When I was writing one of my essays, I mentioned how I always peskered those around me with my neverending interrogations. I said something along the lines of how I loved learning about the reason the answer existed, not only what the answer was.

    But, I don't know if you could incorporate that with the given length limit. You could, potentially, scratch out one of the science fair projects and give some analysis/personal insight.

    Just my thoughts. I'm only a senior as well, what do I know?

    Send that sucker out!
This discussion has been closed.