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Why Did She Choose Another Guy Over Me?

theespys69theespys69 Registered User Posts: 523 Member
edited February 2013 in College Confidential Cafe
Hey everyone

I'm just wondering how to get over this situation and move on. I'll keep it short. I really liked this one girl, and I was into her for several months. There was literally a long list of things I liked about her, and I can honestly say that I liked her more than anyone else in my past (including past girlfriends).

In December, I finally told her how I felt and asked her out. She said that it was a nice gesture but ended up saying no and we've just stayed friends. Which wasn't THAT big of a deal.

However, a couple weeks later (early Jan), another guy asked her out, and she said yes. They started going out, and I believe that they are officially together now. Now this really got me down. I had so many questions after that.

What does he have that I don't have? If its looks, why do I have to have inferior looks? It's totally not fair. What did he do right that I didn't? What did I do wrong that he didn't? What flaws do I have that he doesn't? Why is he better than me?

These questions have really been eating me up inside, and I cannot get over it. More than being turned down, these questions have affected me the most. Basically, instead of me being with her, someone else is holding her hand, going on dates with her, kissing her, getting to talk to her, etc.

Basically, I just want advice on how to get over this and move on. It's really affected me and I don't know what to do.
Post edited by theespys69 on

Replies to: Why Did She Choose Another Guy Over Me?

  • smokymtngirlsmokymtngirl Registered User Posts: 244 Junior Member
    Obviously, she just wasn't the girl for you. Girls have preferences, too, and she obviously prefers to date this other guy. That part is pretty simple.
    Now, as far as these other questions that you have, no one could possibly know the answers except for her and it is probably inappropriate to ask. Even if you knew the answers, it is not a good idea to try to change yourself to please someone else or become more appealing to them.
    She is not the only girl out there, but instead of thinking so much about what you don't have, it is important to be thankful for what you do have. All of us have gone through periods where we want to dwell on the negative and get down on ourselves, but that really does not do any good. It doesn't make us better people and it certainly does not make us appealing to others.
    Try to focus on the positive. Focus on your education and not this girl and things will fall into place at the right time.
    I can pretty much guarantee you that somewhere down the road, you will look back on this and realize that she really wasn't the right girl for you -- after you meet "the one".
    I know it is more difficult than it sounds, but after a while it will get easier.
  • 27dreams27dreams Registered User Posts: 610 Member
    She probably wasn't attracted to you in that way. But she's attracted to the other guy. When people decide who they want to date, it's not based on some imaginary checklist. "Love," "Romantic attraction," whatever you want to call it.... Isn't logical. Everyone knows that. Being a super nice and caring person with a bunch of good traits doesn't automatically mean that a specific person should want to date you. It just doesn't work like that.
  • emprexemprex Registered User Posts: 721 Member
    I hope you feel better...what I can say is that eventually you'll look back on this and laugh/shrug it off. I've been there and had the same feelings. Looking back on it, it just makes me feel indifferent.
  • BuBBLES FoR SALEBuBBLES FoR SALE Registered User Posts: 2,164 Senior Member
    The female mind is very different than the male mind. Women are much more likely to be attracted to an indescribable "Je ne sais quoi".

    You just have to face the fact that you didn't meet whatever fickle, unknown quirk she might not even have known she was attracted to.
  • maikaimaikai Registered User Posts: 403 Member
    The moment you put a girl on a pedestal, she is lost to you.

    No matter what people say (and I'm sure they will disagree with me), the sexual psyche of women and men are largely the result of evolution. Women want emotionally strong and confident men, period. Forget all the emotional cr-p you see from men in chick flicks. Women want to watch that drivel on the big screen, but it doesn't fly for them in the real world.

    The fact that you're pining for her and pouring your heart out on a forum about this speaks volumes... all bad... about your confidence and self worth. You need to be proud of yourself before a woman will love you.
  • BuBBLES FoR SALEBuBBLES FoR SALE Registered User Posts: 2,164 Senior Member
    Maikai is right. Girls go for the "jerk" mainly because it's evolutionary. In the distant past, men became the cave-man version of jerks if they were already doing well food-wise and hierarchy-wise.

    So should you become one? Well, no. The relatonship won't last and your true self will eventually come out. But you certainly can learn not to be too persistent, open about your emotions, or relegate yourself to the girl.
  • theespys69theespys69 Registered User Posts: 523 Member
    But the thing is why did she end up attracted to the other guy? Why not me? It's not fair. I know you guys won't have the answers to those questions, but these questions are really getting to me. Obviously he was better in some way. And I can't get over that. There's clearly something missing from me that he has, that she was subconsciously attracted to. And it sucks to have to live with that, knowing that was the case.

    As far as the confidence/self-esteem part, I am pretty sure I gave off that alpha-male vibe. I even consider myself to be that way in general, and I don't really think I have any issues with low self-confidence or insecurity. It wasn't really until the end (close to when I asked her out) when I actually became more visibly emotional/sensitive.

    I know I do have to move on, and I know that eventually I'll be indifferent about it (I guess time heals all wounds). But how do I deal with it now, when it really hurts? I know I need to move on, but how? I just can't stop thinking about this.
  • mmmgirlmmmgirl Registered User Posts: 933 Member
    Romantic attraction just can't be explained. It's nothing personal. No one can explain "why" your looks/personality weren't "good enough". She wasn't interested in you that way.
  • maikaimaikai Registered User Posts: 403 Member
    Hey guy... an alpha male wouldn't be writing this stuff. He'd shrug his shoulders, know in his heart the girl just missed out big time, and would think "Next!" ;-)

    Seriously, there a lot of fish in the ocean.

    You want her to see you differently? Tone down the friendship with her and go get yourself a hottie. I'm serious.

    At the risk of sounding like a male chauvinist pig, picking up women and going out with them a few times is about the easiest thing on Earth. They just want to be with someone confident who makes them feel pretty. That's the first hurdle. Keeping it going after the first couple/few dates is where the personality match thing comes into play.

    It sounds to me like you might be rich on the second part, but pretty weak on the first. The trick for you will be to find confidence to approach and speak to women. Don't be frightened or unsure of yourself. They can smell it like sharks smell blood in the water.

    I used to just look over a smile in a devious sort of way. If they smiled back, I'm was on my way over. If I got any other response... next! When you get over there, compliment her something. Sometimes you can make a little joke out of it. Back in the day, looking straight into her eyes and saying "Nice shoes" worked well.

    Just get yourself a girl as pretty or prettier than her. If you guys are truly friends, that means you already match personalities. She just needs to see you in a sexual way.
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