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Read my 150 word essay PLEEEASE

MEI8828MEI8828 39 replies25 threads Junior Member
edited October 2012 in College Essays
Hey guys....this short essay answer is answering the common app question and some other colleges about "my most meaningful activity and why?" i don't like it very much...it sounds too boring/bloated....ANY and ALL suggestions would be appreciated!!!
____

Although I find every one of my extracurricular activities significant, the one that has been most meaningful to me has been my job at the Kumon Math and Reading Center. Four days a week, I tutor children of all ages in English and Math, constantly trying to enrich their lives. Through this, I have simultaneously enriched my own life with new perspectives. The relationships I developed with the countless students and their parents have motivated me to give selflessly to my community, while still maintaining dedication to my academics and my interests. The feelings I get as a child thanks me for helping him get an A on the Times Tables test or as he runs to his mom to show her his 100% worksheet have demonstrated to me my passion for helping others, which can be evidenced through my work in Kumon as well as my other extracurricular activities.
edited October 2012
14 replies
Post edited by MEI8828 on
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Replies to: Read my 150 word essay PLEEEASE

  • WesternMassWesternMass 324 replies39 threads Member
    Well, it's not supposed to be the most gripping and important part of your app....

    But your writing is very wordy here. Read the last sentence out loud
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  • japstudent12japstudent12 267 replies62 threads Member
    I think it` s a bit too cliched....like:
    Through this, I have simultaneously enriched my own life with new perspectives.

    Instead of listing cliched phrases, give us a more detalied example of your experience at Kumon. For instance, like, "John was struggling to learn the times table at first, I helped him....blah blah" .
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  • AudiB4AudiB4 468 replies27 threads Member
    Make it more personal-describe a child who you helped-be specific. It sounds like a brochure right now. Bydiscussing a shy little red headed boy who had trouble with his reading and how you made him cards with rhyming words ....etc. etc. And when he was able to read "some story" by himself, his whole face lit up blah, blah blah. By making it more personal, it becomes more interesting. And it can be a little longer too-up to 500 words so by being more descriptive, you will lengthen it and make it more interesting. Good luck.
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  • MEI8828MEI8828 39 replies25 threads Junior Member
    thank you much
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  • cortigianacortigiana 208 replies8 threads Junior Member
    Get rid of the first sentence (all but the last nine words anyhow). It's obviously true for every applicant and it'll save on words better invested elsewhere.

    Cliche'ed words: "dedication" "motivated" "selfless" "passion"...
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  • celebrian25celebrian25 15082 replies288 threads Senior Member
    It's really too cliche. You need to take it from a different angle :)
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  • stevenlee87stevenlee87 203 replies48 threads Junior Member
    spice it up. for now, the essay is too cliche
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  • WesternMassWesternMass 324 replies39 threads Member
    NO, it can NOT be 500 words. Please read the original post. This is NOT an essay. It is a short answer on the common app which asks you to talk about your most significant EC in 150 words or less
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  • evanescenteuphoriaevanescenteuphoria 578 replies139 threads Member
    spiceeeeee it. it's too regular
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  • MEI8828MEI8828 39 replies25 threads Junior Member
    easier said than done
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  • SharonSharon 2 replies0 threads New Member
    the narrative story should compose of 3 paragraphs and 150 words
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  • SharonSharon 2 replies0 threads New Member
    the story should compose of 3 paragraphs and 1500 words
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  • mewbubumewbubu 25 replies2 threads New Member
    You can delete the fist sentence- it doesn't tell the readers anything. Jump right into a specific moment when you are tutoring the kids. Show how the moment enriches their lives and yours. This topic is not the most exciting one, but I think the way you present it can make a huge difference. I'm also doing my college apps right now and these are some of my opinions.
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  • johnnyzxzjohnnyzxz 429 replies65 threads Member
    haha i'm sure this guy does NOT need this advice anymore.. lol
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