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Common App Essay

Guille19Guille19 Registered User Posts: 367 Member
edited November 2012 in College Essays
Good Evening CC

This is my edited CommonApp essay. It's the prompt 2, about a issue of local, personal concern and why is it important to me.

Here it is.

Please, give me some tips in what I can better or if I need to edit it more

"Bullying is a serious problem. Although many people don’t see it as a “big deal”, bullying is in fact a type of “terrorism” that is present in all schools.
In my opinion, the basis of bullying is a narrow view of people. The bullies like to find differences in people and then categorize these differences as bad. However, this is vacuous, since in reality we are all equal.

I went to a Catholic School. Since it was a religious institution, the school was composed of only males.
According to some studies, the atmosphere in these schools increases the odds of bullying.
Sadly, I can support that. I was constantly bullied at my school.

Apparently, I was not good looking (superficial opinion).
Because of this, older kids loved to tease me and bother me.
First, it was with my ears. Supposedly I had big ears, but I didn't. They looked fine to me.
They began calling me names, like “Mickey Mouse” or “Satellite Ears”; the most common was “Dumbo”.
I constantly grew up in the school with this name. Every time an older kid felt the “need” to bother me, he yelled to the school: “Here comes Dumbo!”
He would then, with other kids, grab me from the ears and drive me around the playground, saying: “Come on! Fly!”
I remember that everyone stared at me, laughing, and some others looked at me with an abject view.
As time passed, the kids that liked to bother me began to leave to Universities.
Unfortunately, there were more bullies than just them.
Now I wasn’t bothered because of my ears (This was until I reached 9th grade).
People now said that I was disgustingly ugly. They brought a new set of nicknames for me, including “Shrek”, “****”, and their favorite, “Hagrid”.
Every time I found them, they screamed to me “Hey, what’s up Hagrid?” and everyone again stared, laughing. The most archetypal question they asked me was: “Does it hurts to be ugly?”
Obviously I didn’t answer. I just stayed quiet, eager to hear the bell ring.
Because of this, I was so scared that many of the breaks and lunch times I hided at the chapel. I ate there and then prayed to God for the bullying to stop.

Surprisingly, I never thought of revenge, neither did I felt any negative feelings towards them.
Luckily, I was only scared.
But I’m glad I just felt that. If I had felt any feeling of revenge, I would probably have ended even worse than what I actually did.

And as you can see, “my big ears” and “my ugliness” were the basis of their bullying. This was their aberration: a superficial point of view they had about me.
Every difference is based on vacuous superficial views, and because of this, many kids suffer this illogical treatment.
From my experience, bullying is a harsh thing, and it needs be stopped.
The only way is to explain everyone that we are all equal. If you have a keen mind, you will agree with me.
Unfortunately, every day there are more bullies with narrow minds, who don’t understand this general fact. If the day, where everyone realizes that every people living in this world are similar to one another, doesn’t come, bullying is most surely to continue to exist."
Post edited by Guille19 on

Replies to: Common App Essay

  • Guille19Guille19 Registered User Posts: 367 Member
    Any advice?
  • stupiddorkyidiotstupiddorkyidiot Registered User Posts: 603 Member
    One thing my AP Lang teacher told me that'll stick with me forever is this: never use air quotes in your writing. You don't need to trivialize what you're saying! Adcoms aren't dumb, and they'll know what you mean when you say something. So don't use quotation marks unless you're actually quoting someone.

    I smell a little bit of thesaurus. You use the word vacuous twice - which is a bad idea in itself - and on neither occasion does it fit your writing style. As other people on this forum have said, don't use a $10 word when the 50-cent one will do. Your essay will seem more genuine if you don't try to show off your vocabulary, especially if you're faking it.

    I'm also a little confused about your formatting. Did you press the return key after each sentence...? That's nonstandard, and it doesn't make sense.

    Anyway, I like what you're saying here, but it does need work. Let me know if you want me to nitpick and correct mechanical details or help out in any other way. :)
  • eCoachJeneCoachJen Registered User Posts: 331 Member
    First, I'm so sorry you were bullied, no kids should go through that. It's great that you didn't allow them to give you a negative attitude.

    Questions that came to my mind after reading your piece are:
    How specifically have you grown from the bullying experience?
    What have you done to address the issue of bullying or help others with it?

    Good luck! : )
  • Peaches7893Peaches7893 Registered User Posts: 52 Junior Member
    “Does it hurts to be ugly?”
    Just a small typo--change "hurts" to "hurt"

    "Because of this, I was so scared that many of the breaks and lunch times I hided at the chapel."
    The past tense of "to hide" is "hid". I hid at the chapel. Also, I feel like you have to add "during". "During many of the breaks..."

    "Surprisingly, I never thought of revenge, neither did I felt any negative feelings towards them."

    To me, "neither" does not fit here and should be replaced with "nor". Felt also needs to be changed to feel.

    "If I had felt any feeling of revenge, I would probably have ended even worse than what I actually did."

    I think that it needs be to "ended up", and "even worse than HOW I actually did".

    "If you have a keen mind, you will agree with me."

    I'd leave this part out or rephrase. Teachers have told me to NOT end things with "As you can see...", because well, what if they can't see?

    "If the day, WHEN everyone realizes that all people living in this world are similar to one another doesn’t come, bullying is most surely to continue to exist."

    The end part is awkward.

    I agree with the person in front of me. I really think that you could focus on why you never allowed their hurtful words (and they were terrible) to get to you, and how you have emerged as a stronger person. I almost think that you could turn this into an essay for prompt #1.

    In terms of formatting, I think that you could have paragraphs rather than starting each sentence on a new line.

    No one would ever say that bullying is a good thing. I feel like your essay has some good ideas, but you need to develop it a little more. Especially the "But I’m glad I just felt that. If I had felt any feeling of revenge, I would probably have ended even worse than what I actually did." How did you end up? That's the main question that you never answer.
  • Guille19Guille19 Registered User Posts: 367 Member
    Hey everyone!

    stupiddorkyidiot: I will send you a PM so, if you want, you can help me in structure and diction, especially the partes that Peaches7893 said.
    I'm an international student and english isn't my first language, so it may take a little while.

    eCoachJen and Peaches7893: Okay. Yes you are right. I can do and explain those questions. However, this essay is 520 words long, and the maximum is 500.
    How can I do to answer that if I don't have more space available? Which parts should I delete or make briefer?

    I hope the 3 of you can answer this, please!!!!

    Thanks. Have a nice day
  • Peaches7893Peaches7893 Registered User Posts: 52 Junior Member
    Your English is quite good. I just tried to respond to your PM and I can't. I think that you should try to edit it a little yourself (incorporating the advice that we've given you) and then look for more feedback.

    Good to know that I didn't come across as a jerk.
  • DesireeADesireeA Registered User Posts: 129 Junior Member
    The whole essay is describing how and why you were bullied, but you missed the most important part, as others have said, how the experience changed you. To try and fit that part in you're going to have to make the description of your bullying brief. A short narrative of maybe a specific time you were bullied or how you hid in the chapel would show the readers the extent to which you were bullied and still have that big impact, but it wouldn't take up your whole essay, and you can write about the more important part of your experience. You have a really good topic, especially since you're speaking from 1st hand experience, however, it is very easy to sound superficial when writing about bullying. So, really try to personalize it more by staying away from that thesaurus, using your own words, and writing about the affects bullying had on you personally so your essay won't just be another, "bullying is bad" essay. Also, really minimize the air quotes, as someone else said, because it does trivialize your message and it makes the essay seem less serious. Such as, when you said bullying is a form of "terrorism". That could've been a great point, but when you put quotes around terrorism it almost seems like your mocking the idea of bullying. The last thing you want is for a reader to think that you are trivializing such a serious issue. Lastly, there are quite a few grammar mistakes, but that can be fixed easily with Word. Good luck with your essay, I think with some editing, it will turn out great!
  • Guille19Guille19 Registered User Posts: 367 Member
    Thank you very much DesireeA!!

    That was an awesome feedback! I really can start working by these 4 suggestions!

    You guys are awesome :)!

    I will try to edit it quick and soon since I'm having tedious mornings lately and on the afternoon I study for SAT.

    If I still have troubles, expect me to PM you guys lol.

This discussion has been closed.