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College Essay (300 words) Common app 250-500 word essay

a1sa1sa1sa1s Registered User Posts: 10 New Member
edited November 2012 in College Essays
Hi all I was wondering if I could get any advice on this essay I have written for the Common APP. I will respond to anyone who responds to mine :)
Here it is:

On a day where most students back home would be sleeping, I would be on my way to Washington D.C., not to vacation, but to debate bills I and my fellow Junior Statesmen of America members had spent days proposing. Most teenagers may find politics at the age of sixteen to be a bore, something that "would never affect our generation." I could not disagree any further. I and my JSA members were all actively involved in politics and were ready to take on the rough criticisms we would face on bills we spent painfully long hours on. I, at first being a hesitant speaker to defend our bill, grew; I became more confident, as well as a better speaker as I took on criticisms from politically opposed people, as well as compliments by those who felt I made a strong statement. By the end of the convention, it would be an understatement to claim it just bettered my speaking skills, it changed the way I view the world. After spending three full days with people from all walks of life, you begin to realize that others actually have strong political beliefs outside of your own, therefore, debating against these people, helps shape your own beliefs no matter how negative the debate. Upon reconvening with my fellow Junior Statesmen of America members after the convention, I realized that I wanted to take my JSA membership to the next level; I became the head of debate as well as the Vice President of the New Albany chapter of Junior Statesmen of America: a title I take great honor in receiving from those who voted for me. I pursued the position, not because it would be something to do, but because I knew the power behind JSA and I wished to further the group knowing that it could change others’ lives just as it had mine.
Post edited by a1sa1s on

Replies to: College Essay (300 words) Common app 250-500 word essay

  • Syoung2Syoung2 Registered User Posts: 348 Member
    Decent topic and organization, many grammar errors.
  • a1sa1sa1sa1s Registered User Posts: 10 New Member
  • Bartleby007Bartleby007 Registered User Posts: 494 Member
    Excellent idea for an essay topic, but the piece is fraught with grammatical errors. It needs significant editing.

    If this is how you normally write, I recommend hiring a writing coach or getting together with a friend/family member who has strong writing skills.
  • a1sa1sa1sa1s Registered User Posts: 10 New Member
    bumpp I was wondering if anyone could just highlight the problem sentences within the paragraph so I would have more broader things to talk about with my guidance counselor on the paragraph. Anything would be greatly appreciated :)
  • a1sa1sa1sa1s Registered User Posts: 10 New Member
  • eCoachJeneCoachJen Registered User Posts: 331 Member
    Here are my thoughts:
    This essay length is too short – Admissions wants to know about you as much as possible, don’t waste the 500 words.

    Run-on sentences made your essay very difficult to read. Consider shorter sentences and varying sentence structure. Paragraphs are needed also.

    Here is a suggested example:
    JSA members and I were actively involved in politics. After painfully long hours, we were ready to take on rough criticisms. … Over time, both criticisms and compliments helped me grow from a hesitant speaker to a more confident one.

    I do agree with Bartleby007, ask a peer or teacher to proofread for you.

    Hope this helps. Best of luck! :)
This discussion has been closed.