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Feedback on my intro ? any improvements ?

Devonte32896Devonte32896 Registered User Posts: 311 Member
edited January 2013 in College Essays
“Who are you?” Ms.Duffy asked after she stared at me with this cold cold expression. My legs were quivering and my heart was racing at the speed of light as I stood in front of the ‘U’ shaped audience waiting for the feedback that might ruin me forever ! “Who are you?” She asked again and all I could say is “I’m.....a.....Boy?” and yes I answered it in the form of a question because I didn’t know who I was. I was still questioning who I was. Then I heard this little voice whisper in my ear “You can’t run from yourself.” Then I just stood there with this blank stare tuning Ms.Duffy out as she asked a hundred more times “Who are you?.....HELLO?” I thought about it and I still couldn’t answer her. That’s when I knew I had to find myself.
Post edited by Devonte32896 on

Replies to: Feedback on my intro ? any improvements ?

  • Devonte32896Devonte32896 Registered User Posts: 311 Member

    Sent from my LS670 using CC
  • jozukojozuko Registered User Posts: 529 Member
    I like it. It's intriguing and makes me want to read more. A couple of suggestions..."all I could say is" should be - all I could say was. Everything else is in the past tense. "Is" is present tense.
    Also, you begin two sentences in a row with the word "Then". "Then I heard this little voice..." " Then I just stood there." I would eliminate the second "Then" which does not change the meaning of your sentence at all.
    Finally, I think that you may be missing a couple of commas, but I'm not sure. Perhaps you can have an English teacher read it over when you are done. Good luck....
  • Devonte32896Devonte32896 Registered User Posts: 311 Member
    Thank you ! Yeah I am not very good with my English but whatever I have four English teachers willing to read this ! :)
This discussion has been closed.