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read my essay on extra circular

android21android21 Registered User Posts: 9 New Member
edited February 2013 in College Essays
It is the simplest of actions carried out in the world's most unforgiving environment: pull right, breathe, pull left, breathe. I swim out into the ocean often. I swim till I can no longer feel the sand sift through my toes, till the tourist's laughter fades into whispers, till the water is void of light, and till the warmth of the sea escapes, leaving me stiff( i don't know stiff kind of sounds like i have a hard on lol, which i don't). This distance is ideal; I stop here and turn my back against the waves. In that moment, before the wave forces me back to humanity, I do not meditate, I do not plan, I do not ponder. Emptiness: the surge of adrenaline won't allow my brain to think; my mind has isolated my body. My body elevates: this moment is true freedom, like a man unshackled from a life sentence. "Whoosh," (lol woosh is kinda lame but i couldnt think of anything)the giant wave comes crashing over my shoulders, robbing me of the moment and hastily dragging me back to life, dragging me back to all the memories, and all the perpetual emotions. Nevertheless,I am reinvigorated and ready to conquer reality.

is it good? does it make sense, or does it say nothing about me....does it sound more like it belongs in a b-grade novel rather than an admissions essay let me know!!!!!!!
Post edited by android21 on

Replies to: read my essay on extra circular

  • ledrapeauledrapeau Registered User Posts: 1 New Member
    Hmmm. The most effective aspect of your essay is that I was drawn in by the introduction (you start out in the middle of some story without telling what is going on, which creates anticipation for an explanation). The only problem is that there turns out to be no explanation in the end. For example, the reader never finds out WHY you are in the ocean (perhaps this was mentioned elsewhere in the application).

    You asked--"does it say nothing about me." There was no connection between the ideas you presented in the essay and who you are. For example, statements such as "the surge of adrenaline won't allow my brain to think", "this moment is true freedom", and "Nevertheless,I am reinvigorated and ready to conquer reality" are all great, but have no following explanation as to how they relate to who you are or why you feel this way.

    A quick way to summarize these thoughts would be this--the meaning of it all should be CLEARLY stated so that the reader does not have to guess (after all, this is an admissions essay--not poetry, haha).

    Anyway, those are the criticisms. What I like about your essay is your writing is interesting; the descriptions are rich in detail (which makes it easy for the reader to form an image of you) and there is not a lot of poor grammar. This definitely can become a great essay!

    I hope this helps!
  • Lilly9Lilly9 Registered User Posts: 146 Junior Member
    This sounds exactly like the one on about.com or something with samples. The first words are verbatim. "It is the simplest of movements.." I can guarantee you the adcom will have read something like it before. Change that. Be yourself. Don't rip off sample essays.
  • Rain202Rain202 Registered User Posts: 889 Member
    The essay is a bit muddled; your intentions are hard to decipher.
This discussion has been closed.