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Can someone revise my brief essay

tctc Registered User Posts: 25 New Member
Prompt: Indicate a brief personal statement about your objectives and goals

They may forget your name but they will never forget how you made them feel - maya angelou
My education objective consist of acquiring a bachelors degree in nursing.
I always found the human body intriguing. I find it fascinating how a small piece of pill can heal a cold or how the brain stores everything from memories, knowledge, to fears. The thought of having such astounding knowledge about the aspects of the human body has inspired me to become a nurse. Not only that, I prefer nursing over other medical fields because I admire the personal connection between patients and nurses. I enjoy interacting and and helping people through difficult times. They may forget my name the next day but they will never forget how I helped them. It gives me great satisfaction knowing that I made a difference in the lives of people.
After obtaining my degree, I plan to give back to the community by staying on Guam to pursue my career.

Replies to: Can someone revise my brief essay

  • hedgehogaethershedgehogaethers Registered User Posts: 56 Junior Member
    You should really look at your grammar. There are also places where there's awkward wording, so be careful with that.
  • Fishnlines29Fishnlines29 Registered User Posts: 1,538 Senior Member
    @tc You should not post responses or essays on this or any forum. If a college uses a plagiarism checker, they might think you plagiarized.
  • AdiaterAdiater Registered User Posts: 14 New Member
    Well...instead of starting with Maya Angelou's statement I would prefer going for :

    After all as Maya Angelou used to say , They may forget your name but they will never forget how you made them feel.

    at the end of the essay with some appropriate changes in the main body to make the essay flow.
  • SyrxisSyrxis Registered User Posts: 224 Junior Member
    The problem I have with your essay is that probably 100% of nursing major applicants write the same stuff. They want to help others etc.

    I would rather use this prompt to expand on what caused you to get this desire to help others, what you've done to make that a reality so far, and what you see this particular school being able to provide to help.
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