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Someone Please Rate My College Essay

batman044batman044 Registered User Posts: 2 New Member
edited August 2018 in College Essays
Things were never given to me, I always had to go and get it. From paying for everything in my closet to paying for my own closet, I never had much support from my parents. It wasn’t even “parents” I lived with my verbally abusive mother until my dad finally to the country when I was in 5th grade. He scolded my Mother whenever she did something that was appropriate. My life was pretty good then. I had many friends and had a 96 average and even got accepted into The Bronx High School Of Science while was the second highest high school to get into during the time.

Suddenly my life took a wrong turn. My Mother lied about my Father and got him arrested saying that he was physically abusing her, and they filed for divorce. After that my life went back to the miserable hole it used to be. I was always bothered while studying or doing my homework. I was constantly crying myself to sleep because I knew I wasn’t performing to my full potential in school. I was always getting 70s and some 80s. It was even harder to manage school because I played for the basketball team(which only 7/150 people get a spot to). Basketball was one of my huge stress relievers and a healthy habit.

At the May of Sophomore year I realized that I had symptoms of ADHD and got medication for it, It wasn’t until the beginning of Junior year I got the proper dosage that I needed but medication wasn’t enough to work to my full potential. I was verbally abused at home nearly everyday. I was never given the chance to hangout with my friends. Anything I wanted I had to pay for with my own money including my phone, clothes and my phone bill. Just when everything was getting together and my mom was calming down I suffered a concussion that left me unconscious for 30 minutes and broke three of my teeth. I missed around two weeks of school because of that and my average dropped around 10 points because the semester just started and I wasn’t there to take the tests or do the homework. The day I came back to school I suffered a seizure and had to take another week off school and that affected my grades even more. It didn’t end there. I suffered 4 more seizures that month until i was prescribed medication.

At this time most would give up. A non-loving mother, constant health problems , going through a divorce , having your grades slip during to being in the hospital. That isn’t me at all. I won’t give up. I begged my teachers to let me makeup the work and they said they will do enough so I can pass the class at least.

This is why I am in love with the idea of independence and having my own setting where I can study undisturbed. People are way more than a 90 on a test or a 1450 on the SAT. I was able to get into the second highest high school in the state when I had the proper environment. Why can’t I thrive in College? I just need the right setting to do well. Hopefully colleges will see that you are more than your GPA or test score will give a chance for this individual who has been through many hardships.

Replies to: Someone Please Rate My College Essay

  • batman044batman044 Registered User Posts: 2 New Member
    Im trying to apply to hard schools like
    Boston College
    Boston University
    Fordham University
    New York University
    SUNY Binghamton University
    SUNY Stony Brook University
  • happy1happy1 Forum Champion Parents, Forum Champion Admissions Posts: 23,349 Forum Champion
    It is a TERRIBLE idea to post your essay on this or any forum. Look at the top couple of posts pinned onto this thread. The essay could come up on a plagiarism check and/or your ideas can be stolen by another applicant. If you want it reviewed, ask for help and only send it to seasoned adult posters. IMO it is best to have an English teacher you trust read over your essays.

    I'd flag a moderator and see if they can take the essay off of CC. 
  • PublisherPublisher Registered User Posts: 5,881 Senior Member
    edited August 2018
    Your essay reveals a lot about you that would not otherwise be evident in your application.

    Can you ask your English teacher to correct the grammar in your essay ?

    Your writing lacks positives. Try to show some intellectual curiosity & motivation to learn & to do well in college & in life.
  • PublisherPublisher Registered User Posts: 5,881 Senior Member
    The above essay is, hopefully, cathartic in nature, but also offers valuable insights to admissions officers, It appears to be sincere & brutally truthful.
  • TheMoreYouKowTheMoreYouKow Registered User Posts: 95 Junior Member
    Well, the consensus on this forum seems to be that the hardships that OP is talking about should be explained by their counselor in their recommendation. If I were an admission officer, the essay above would make me feel bad for the candidate but it wouldn't make me want them on my campus. Just my opinion.
  • allieandjoeallieandjoe Registered User Posts: 93 Junior Member
    You need to ask yourself what is it about this essay that would make an admissions officer want you in their school.
  • PublisherPublisher Registered User Posts: 5,881 Senior Member
    @TheMoreYouKow : I agree, but I also think that this is just an early draft. I think that we all can agree that the student should have this essay reviewed by a trusted & respected teacher.
  • MrElonMuskMrElonMusk Registered User Posts: 1,268 Senior Member
    Go write another essay. The one you posted will be flagged as plagiarism since it is now on the internet.

    If you want someone to read your essay, PM them.
  • skieuropeskieurope Super Moderator Posts: 40,139 Super Moderator
    If you want someone to read your essay, PM them.
    Excellent advice.
    I'd flag a moderator and see if they can take the essay off of CC. 
    Per ToS, we do not delete posts on request, not that the OP has asked. There are many places on this site from registration onward which informs users not to post private information.
    The one you posted will be flagged as plagiarism since it is now on the internet.
    With the disclaimer that I did not read your essay, I have read many essays here, and there are surprisingly very few that are of the caliber that someone would want to plagiarize. If the college did run a plagiarism check, it would probably just come back to your post.
  • momofsenior1momofsenior1 Registered User Posts: 4,139 Senior Member
    I agree with the other posters that this isn't what you should be writing about in your essay. Have your GC document some of the struggles in the LOR. You can certainly repackage this to highlight your grit and resiliency, but spend less time describing the hardships and more about how you've grown.
  • lookingforwardlookingforward Registered User Posts: 30,836 Senior Member
    edited August 2018
    Please find safety schools that match the record you do have. And that you can afford.

    The essay is not meant to be an explanation of what went wrong between your parents or your difficult mother, your injuries, your desire to leave home. Nor a request for a second chance.

    Please get advice from your GC.
  • Minnie2021Minnie2021 Registered User Posts: 16 Junior Member
    I don’t get a sense of who you are.
  • suzyQ7suzyQ7 Registered User Posts: 3,730 Senior Member
    Throw it out and start over. It reads like a therapy session and doesn't really about how you're a good fit for college
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