Welcome to College Confidential!

The leading college-bound community on the web

Sign Up For Free

Join for FREE, and start talking with other members, weighing in on community discussions, and more.

Also, by registering and logging in you'll see fewer ads and pesky welcome messages (like this one!)

As a CC member, you can:

  • Reply to threads, and start your own.
  • Post reviews of your campus visits.
  • Find hundreds of pages of informative articles.
  • Search from over 3 million scholarships.

Naval Academy personal statement need someone to proofread or peer review!!!!!

NatalieUNatalieU Registered User Posts: 3 New Member
(1)
Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long-range goals, and
(2)
Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.

I always had the idea of the military in the back of my mind since I was young. Pushing my thoughts aside, not wanting to think about the military because I thought that it would slow me down from my other goals in life such as; going to college and graduating with a degree in science, finding a nice stable job, and having a family. Eventually, I could not push my thoughts aside any longer. As a Catholic I did what I usually do when I don’t have an answer for myself; I prayed about it. Over sophomore Christmas break, I was looking through colleges seeing what a good fit for me might be. I put in details of what college I would find ideal and the Naval academy popped up on the screen. I read through the core values; Honor, Courage, and Commitment and instantly knew that’s where I wanted to be. The Naval Academy has everything I am looking for. I want to be held to high standards in every area of my life; academically, physically, and mentally. I eventually realized that I am still able to achieve my goals of going to college and graduating with a degree in science, receiving a great job, and will still be able to raise a family after the academy. With the Academy, I will be able to reach my goals and more.
Many people who are applying may have a story of how they defeat crazy odds to get to where they are today. My experience is nothing crazy but has changed me and made me into the person I am today. Going into Freshman year I was told that I should take the “easy” classes because I wasn’t smart enough for the regular classes. So, I listened to them and took easy classes. Little did I know that this would eventually slow things down for me but also teach me how to work hard for my goals. I had always been told that I would play D1 softball. I tried out for the team that year, but to my surprise did not make the team. I was beaten down and could not understand why and how this could happen. My life plan was out the window. Going into my sophomore year I still was not motivated to do anything with no goals to work towards. I was in a stagnant area. Christmas break came along, and this is when I found out about the Naval Academy. The problem was that now I was behind in harder classes and was barely even a part anything at my school. I knew I had to act fast if I wanted a shot at the academy. Since then I have taught myself to work hard by lettering in multiple school activities, attaining leadership, and constantly working to better my grades and doubling up on classes to catch up on what I have missed.

Replies to: Naval Academy personal statement need someone to proofread or peer review!!!!!

  • cameo43cameo43 Registered User Posts: 1,658 Senior Member
    Oh, my... Did you seriously just post something that’s an important part of your application to the USNA on an anonymous open forum...?? Not a good choice...
  • NatalieUNatalieU Registered User Posts: 3 New Member
    I really just need help I didnt realize this would be a problem
  • bopperbopper Forum Champion CWRU Posts: 13,714 Forum Champion
    edited May 10
    This is supposed to be a personal statement. I feel like this could have been written by almost anyone.

    What if West POint had popped up? Would you have picked that? WHy Navy?

    This is related to college essays, but I think it would be good to read anyway.

    Google "Hacking the College Essay 2017" and read it.

    Write the Essay No One Else Could Write
    "It boils down to this: the essay that gets you in is the essay that no other applicant could write.
    Is this a trick? The rest of this guide gives you the best strategies to accomplish this single
    most important thing: write the essay no one else could write.
    If someone reading your essay gets the feeling some other applicant could have written it,
    then you’re in trouble.
    Why is this so important? Because most essays sound like they could have been written by
    anyone. Remember that most essays fail to do what they should: replace numbers (SAT/GPA) with the real you.
    Put yourself in the shoes of an admissions officer. She’s got limited time and a stack of
    applications. Each application is mostly numbers and other stuff that looks the same. Then she picks
    up your essay. Sixty seconds later, what is her impression of you? Will she know something specifically
    about you? Or will you still be indistinguishable from the hundreds of other applicants she has been
    reading about?"

    In the first part, you say "I eventually realized that I am still able to achieve my goals of going to college and graduating with a degree in science, receiving a great job, and will still be able to raise a family after the academy. " That is your goal? "Have a great job and a family?" (yes that is a good goal, but not specific. ) In the navy you will be away from your family. ALso what is a "great job" to you?


    In the second half, 80% of it is "people think I am dumb and a jock" and then you have one sentence saying
    "Since then I have taught myself to work hard by lettering in multiple school activities, attaining leadership, and constantly working to better my grades and doubling up on classes to catch up on what I have missed."

    I would put more details about what you have done since not getting on softball team. Show your growth.
  • NatalieUNatalieU Registered User Posts: 3 New Member
    thank you for the advice I will make sure to change it
  • ChoatieMomChoatieMom Registered User Posts: 5,309 Senior Member
    edited May 16
    I agree that this is a rather bland, generic essay that could apply to almost any school. But here's the main criticism, @NatalieU -- it doesn't give the academy what it's looking for. Without being too leading, all of the academies want to hear that your main interest is becoming an officer in one of our armed services and why. Nowhere in this essay do you indicate any understanding of what a military commitment means. Instead, you mention "going to college and graduating with a degree in science, finding a nice stable job, and having a family." That does not align well with the academy's mission of producing officers to lead and support wartime efforts.

    How interested are you in a tough engineering curriculum as Navy skews more heavily toward engineering than any of the other academies? How interested are you in being a surface warfare officer and spending months at sea on a ship or sub? From USNA, you WILL end up in the fleet for at least part of your service commitment. Do you understand that the payback is at least five years and could be much longer based on which service area you're selected for, and you don't have total control over that selection? Have you visited the post or talked to officers or midshipmen? Do you have a good feel for what it's like earning a degree while juggling a lot of other physical and military requirements?

    Yes, this is a personal statement, but it is designed to reveal directly or indirectly a deep understanding of what service to our country means, what the mission of the academy is, what's driving you to choose a very different path from the average civilian college applicant, and how deeply committed you are to years of service.

    My advice is to absorb USNA's mission statement, then sharpen your pencil and start again with your mind and heart on the end goal of becoming a Naval officer:
    "To develop Midshipmen morally, mentally and physically and to imbue them with the highest ideals of duty, honor and loyalty in order to graduate leaders who are dedicated to a career of naval service and have potential for future development in mind and character to assume the highest responsibilities of command, citizenship and government."
    (emphasis mine)
  • Redacted1Redacted1 Registered User Posts: 60 Junior Member
    @NatalieU Where are you at in the process. Reach out to me and let's talk. I have applied to Annapolis twice, and have served in the Navy for the past four years.
  • bluebayoubluebayou Registered User Posts: 26,541 Senior Member
    edited May 17
    My $0.02: the 'Why College?' essay is about you, and not them. Also, show, not tell.

    "The Naval Academy has everything I am looking for" is backwards; they know what they have. You really need to show how you fit in with the with what they are all about, in essence, what you bring to the table as a classmate, a roommate and future officer/leader.

    P.S. Don't repost your essay in the public forum.
Sign In or Register to comment.