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Desperately Need Input

Amberlanya HerwanaAmberlanya Herwana 85 replies29 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
Hey guys,

So I have written two college essays. One is very well written in terms of vocabulary and puts together a bunch of different things about me instead of focusing on just one thing. When I showed this to a college essay reader, she said the big words, although impressive, cloud my "voice". She said that the essay is not to show that you are intellectual but to show your "voice" .

I wrote another essay that was a very simply written narrative about something I did. It did not focus on many aspects about me but just went into detail on one thing I did.

Which should I use?
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Replies to: Desperately Need Input

  • EmpireappleEmpireapple 1719 replies26 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Did you show the essay reader the second one? I'd ask that person since they can actually compare the two works.

    I agree that the big words might not truly hit the mark of the essay but without reading them both, it's impossible to answer.

    Read each one and ask yourself which one truly shows who you are best? If you were the AO and believed they were from two different candidates, which student would you want to add to your campus?

    Will one of these essays work or do you need to take a third try?
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  • AcalynAcalyn 8 replies0 threadsRegistered User New Member
    The essay is supposed to get the reader to know more about you and know your voice, as the essay reader said. The college essay is generally supposed to focus on one anecdote so not sure what you are trying to do with the first essay? The second essay you wrote is more how it's supposed to be done, not a list exactly of your accomplishments and activities. That's already on your application.
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  • Amberlanya HerwanaAmberlanya Herwana 85 replies29 threadsRegistered User Junior Member
    Thank you!
    So the first isn't a list of accomplisments, its more like snippets of different aspects of me. And the second...I feel like I may have narrated too much because the examples I have read have usually done like an abstract holistic thing about themselves rather than a detailed narrative of one thing that happened in their life. But I don't know this is tough.
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  • hhghh123hhghh123 6 replies2 threadsRegistered User New Member
    You could maybe attempt to combine the two ideas. Tell the story about that one event in your life from the second essay but incorporate the various aspects of yourself from the first.
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  • lookingforwardlookingforward 34123 replies377 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    edited September 18
    It's not meant to show your voice.
    But should be written in your own voice.

    It's meant to show something about *you,* the traits the college is looking for.

    "Show, not just tell." So a nice narrative where the reader can see it him/herself, not just have to take your word.

    So what traits are you showing? They need to be relevant to what those adcoms look for. They know your grades and possible major, ECs. Give them another side.
    edited September 18
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