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Is my essay concise and deliver transfer intentions? Also chance me pls!

AsparagusislifeAsparagusislife 11 replies7 threads Junior Member
High school stats --
GPA: 3.3
SAT: 1350
Extracurriculars: Model UN, Debate, HOSA, FHL, Research program at GMU
Leadership: President of HOSA and Co- Vice President of FHL
100+ volunteer hours

College stats --
GPA: 3.7-3.8 (depending on spring semester as well) , Biology major, 25 credits from H.S and 32 college credits by the time of application deadline in March
Extracurriculars: Tutoring, Tennis club, Student media, American Sign language club, shadowing during winter break at a clinic, Gamma phi beta (social sorority)
Leadership: Gamma phi beta education Vice president



As I sit down to write this essay that is supposed to encompass my greatest achievements with reasons to why a prodigious college like William and Mary is my perfect niche, I looked at my achievements with a great shortcoming. They had to be outstanding, similar to that of a pristine snow capped mountain identical to the Paramounts Pictures logo. Virginia does not have such mountains but having lived in a small town in front of the Sierra Nevada mountains before, that is the first image that came to mind as to how incredulous achievements should be. I began to think of how I am different from the thousands of applications with the same statistics, extracurriculars and volunteer-ship that colors my application with accomplishments that aren't as fascinating or life-changing. And there lied the amputation to my identity that I hadn't noticed before, as Ulysses once said “I am a part of all that I have met” and “all experience is an arch wherethro gleams that unraveled world, whose margin fades”. This inverted perspective led me to appreciate knowledge and experiences gained holistically rather than to be defined by the level of achievements itself.
Knowledge paints a portrait of the human growth and endeavor with tangible and intangible reasons. These reasons are rather subjective but are extremely instrumental in finding your niche, like Dean Madler said during the Tribe transfer event, these reasons could range from trying to find your right community to having a strong desire to go for a swim in the Crim Dell pond. Although this is the epitome of college essay cliques,William and Mary has been my dream school for as long as I can go back to account for those Williamsburg family trips even before high school had started. I say this with a true sense of passion I haven't felt towards anything else to this point of my existence. It has been talked about so much in my family that it even became my sibling's dream school and formed new traditions such as going to games and events.
High school was a very rough time for me with many events like moving across the country, death in the family and even getting bullying for quite some time, all of which greatly affected my academics. With average high school statistics, the dreaded but anticipated rejection letter that followed took me to my next option, Virginia Commonwealth University. Located in another historically rich city, it is an amazing school in its own way but personally had no sense of home. Academically, I built myself up and established a strong base with the help of my wonderful professors. However ,the more I tried to make it home, the further away I fell from my comfort zone and the community itself. I just didn't fit in. I aspired for a smaller community and looked for a calmer environment which was not in the middle of the Richmond city with bustling traffic and city culture. William and Mary’s small but tight knit community with beautiful and heartwarming traditions like the yule log ceremony with historical charm is where I wanted to be. It in essence captured the little meaningful things that mattered the most to me.
Coming to the most important reason for my transfer, is the lack of the major that I want to pursue at my current institution. Starting college as a declared biology major, I had taken major specific courses and realized that I wanted to pursue something in between biology and psychology which was neuroscience. After volunteering at two different hospitals, I had developed an even stronger zeal. This pushed me to also wanted to pursue public health jointly with neuroscience. Being so dedicated towards these pursuits, having these degrees not offered at my institution was detrimental to my goals. Minoring in public health and majoring in neuroscience is where I see my niche academically and at William and Mary with such academic driven rigor, research opportunities, a tremendous student to professor ratio and most of all a calmer environment, it would prompt me to great success for future endeavors.
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Replies to: Is my essay concise and deliver transfer intentions? Also chance me pls!

  • fleeingdaysfleeingdays 16 replies0 threads Junior Member
    Please don't post your entire essays on here. It might get stolen/plagiarized or your own essay will be marked as plagiarized as if will be hard to prove you wrote this- there are many threads in the essay section that explains why this is not a good idea, please read those.

    However, I'll offer my personal opinion on your essay-
    1) The kind of 4th-wall break in the intro is very risky. One reader might love it, another might think you're trying too hard to be clever/outsmart the prompt. This also goes for other 4th wall breaks . You can talk about the school being your dream school or your accomplishments without modifying it with phrases like "Although this is the epitome of college essay cliques..." etc. And things like "With average high school stats..." feels a bit much. Own what you've been able to accomplish, the school will decide if it's good enough for them. Even though I think you are trying to be unique, the theme comes off as paradoxically cliche (it's about the whole picture, not just academics and activites, etc).
    2) show, not tell. Show how and why you are passionate about the things you are passionate about, and that matters to you, not just say it. Show why.
    3) When talking about challenges you've faced, it's important to focus more on the lesson learned over the challenge. If you do mention challenges, you should elaborate more.
    4) I think you did a good job tying yourself to the school and showing how you would be a good fit.

    I hope this helps-- but please be aware of the risks of posting your essays on the internet.
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  • collegemom3717collegemom3717 7489 replies78 threads Senior Member
    1) as @fleeingdays said: don't post essays online!

    2) put your thesaurus away, and re-write your essay using your own words.

    3) cut it in half.
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  • PublisherPublisher 10431 replies130 threads Senior Member
    @Asparagusislife : No, your transfer application is not concise. It also lacks clarity.

    Consider starting your transfer application essay with:

    "The most important reason for my need to transfer is that my current school does not offer my desired major of neuroscience."
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  • JoyGJoyG 40 replies11 threads Junior Member
    When you wrote "epitome of college essay cliques"...did you mean to use the word cliche?
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  • EcreeOfficialEcreeOfficial 11 replies1 threads Verified Expert
    edited January 29
    Hi Asparagusislife,

    You've got the right idea in asking for help to nail down clarity. I'd also remind you to pay attention to the other aspects of an essay: thesis statement, topic sentences, analysis, use of evidence, organization, etc.

    For this essay you've got the thesis and topic sentences, but could use more analysis in the first body paragraph (where you're explaining the Tribe Transfer Event). I'd also like to see a better summary of your argument in the conclusion. You want to leave the admissions officer with something memorable.

    If you were one of my students and I was grading your paper, I'd likely give you a "B" on this writing. With your 3.7 College GPA, I'd assume that you'd like to polish this to become more of an "A" essay - especially since this for an application.

    Good luck!

    edited January 29
    Post edited by MaineLonghorn on
    Get better grades and start writing better papers! Try for free at www.Ecree.com
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  • scikitscikit 28 replies0 threads Junior Member
    I suggest removing the quotes, the "as I sit down to write this essay", and every part of your essay where you demean your qualifications.
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