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Please Review My Essay- About relationships with people, specifically my mother

nina15rnina15r Registered User Posts: 16 New Member
edited April 2008 in College Essays
Human growth is dependent on both nature and nurture, and I have been more than fortunate to have been raised with the most accommodating of both realms. My parents were both lovely, pleasant, and hardworking people that provided me with healthy genes and unyielding love. However it is my mother who has nurtured and raised me to be the young woman that I am today. Her generosity, brilliance of character, and wisdom were so far unparalleled that I am honored, privileged and grateful to have been her daughter.
She raised me to be her image, to attend school and study diligently for it, to work outside in the fresh air on our farm to exercise my body and gain work ethic, to read books in order to escape from life when things were not as we wished, but most importantly to cherish and admire he bond of love between our family. After my father died when I was six years old, I never saw my mother weaken. She supported my three older brothers and myself with a noble head. The only time I ever saw my mother falter was when she was diagnosed with lung cancer. Up until the time she began Chemotherapy she carried herself in the same manner as always, with assurance. Now with the treatment and disease she could no longer be certain how long she had left to live, and it was obviously frightening to her. When the cancer spread to her liver and the lymph nodes in her breast she could no longer work or take care of herself. Assuming all her responsibilities I became the new head of the house; taking care of myself, my siblings and ill mother while working and attending school, made me appreciate just how much my mother had done for me my whole life. The Chemotherapy, surreal in it's cruelty, tortured my mother physically, but it never once affected her character. Even as she was dying she carried herself with pride for the woman she was, mental strength for all she had endured, passion for the life she had led, and love, an unending pure love for her family. Escaping a life of poverty with an abusive husband in Poland and finding herself in a new country with a loving husband and children made her feel like she had been blessed like no other. Even when life became grim, relinquishing both the father of her children and her health, my mother knew how precious everyday was and to never spoil it. I have learned through her that I must never spoil life, it is far too fragile and wonderful to be wasted.
In the six years I spent with my father I am unfortunate to know little of him, but the seventeen I spent with my mother were the grandest times any individual could ever pray for, and I am infinity grateful to have been raised by Elzbieta Reckner, both my mother and eternal role model.
Post edited by nina15r on

Replies to: Please Review My Essay- About relationships with people, specifically my mother

  • nina15rnina15r Registered User Posts: 16 New Member
    "the bond" **
  • interelations09interelations09 . Posts: 374 Member
    The ideas are all good, but your style is funny. Read it out loud to yourself and see if it sounds good.
  • nina15rnina15r Registered User Posts: 16 New Member
    I need to work on my phrasing structure

    this is not my first language so it's a little difficult

    I see what you mean though, the ideas don't flow as well as they should
    too many commas, and fragmented ideas
  • lindz126lindz126 Registered User Posts: 1,915 Senior Member
    nina15r---bless you for holding onto your mother's value to cherish each day--sounds like her spirit is in you...

    I found the essay powerful --- this was the part I found the most eloquent,,,

    "even when life became grim, relinquishing both the father of her children and her health, my mother knew how precious everyday was and to never spoil it. I have learned through her that I must never spoil life, it is far too fragile and wonderful to be wasted." You might add an example or two of how your mother maintained her spirit and character to bring her to life on paper...much good luck to you on your journey thru college admissions...
  • nina15rnina15r Registered User Posts: 16 New Member
    thankyou

    and your advice was very helpful
  • Grande AntillesGrande Antilles - Posts: 298 Junior Member
    Nina, I am not a native speaker but please allow me to point out an error that a lot of people do in Engish.

    "My parents were both lovely, pleasant, and hardworking people that [ WHO] provided me with healthy genes and unyielding love."

    Replace "that" with WHO. In English, that is used for things and animals but when you are talking about a person, you must use "WHO"

    I am glad that you had such a strong bound with your mother.:D
  • TaggartTaggart Registered User Posts: 1,486 Senior Member
    If this is an essay for college, I'd advise against it.

    If it's just another essay, then uh...well, I can't see where the relationship comes in. You talk a lot about your mother, but a lot of it is facts and "she's this, she's that" and your language somewhat fails to express what you feel about her. I mean, I get that you admire her greatly, but...I guess I don't feel that the language is reverent enough. That is assuming you're choosing to have your "relationship" characterized by the language you used. If not, then I'd say put in tangible examples about how she's affected you.

    Sorry about sounding complainy; just suggestions on how this could perhaps be better. The piece is in no way bad -- sorry if I gave that impression.
  • ptoncollege09ptoncollege09 Registered User Posts: 221 Junior Member
    i personally like it a lot.
    makes me feel giddy inside;

    but i feel like it tugs on the sympathy string too much.
  • SkyHighSkyHigh Registered User Posts: 650 Member
    This is not a college essay, is it? Although it sounds a little awkward, your use of language is pretty good.
This discussion has been closed.