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Is this a good start for a personal statement?

bb84bb84 Registered User Posts: 55 Junior Member
edited June 2009 in College Essays
This is NOT the whole thing.

Race is socially constructed

The idea of "race" is an attempt to divide humanity according to skin color. In reality, we are not separate groups of people; we are much more alike than we are different. The definition has changed over time- for example: In the past, Irish people were considered a separate race that was "inferior" to the British and other Europeans. Latinos/Hispanics were not always considered a distinct race, this "new category" had to be created more recently. Some people don’t fit into any racial category- for example: Some people, such as Filipinos or North Africans, are of mixed ancestry and find it impossible to identify with a so-called "race" Our DNA shows that we all- can trace our DNA to the oldest human remains that have been found in Africa, no matter what "race" we are.

Any suggestions?
I know I need to construct it better. Is it good enough?
I am writing about me, African not African American.
When it is time for any standardized test I can’t find my category.
Post edited by bb84 on

Replies to: Is this a good start for a personal statement?

  • cerealbox1cerealbox1 User Awaiting Email Confirmation Posts: 40 Junior Member
  • ADadADad Registered User Posts: 4,920 Senior Member
    It doesn't reveal much about you.
  • cerealbox1cerealbox1 User Awaiting Email Confirmation Posts: 40 Junior Member
    ya, I know but this is my intro... then I put my personal information later.
  • HLSHLS Registered User Posts: 48 Junior Member
    I realize it's not the whole thing but i think you would benefit from putting SOMETHING about yourself in the beginning, the intro is especially important and is a great place to introduce yourself. This intro reads more like the introduction to an anthropology research paper than a personal statement.
  • smart.cookiesmart.cookie Registered User Posts: 1,468 Senior Member
    Very, very boring, and cliche to boot. Write from the heart, not the mind <<ooh that was also cliche lol
  • DontPanic1DontPanic1 Registered User Posts: 385 Member
    This sounds more like an essay to me; I've never seen the difference between an essay and a statement defined, but I thought the personal statement is shorter and you just tell things about yourself directly, instead of revealing your personality through the context of some story or theme. At least that's how my D did it.
  • pearandsonpearandson Registered User Posts: 85 Junior Member
    The 'Personal Statement' and 'Main Essay' are interchangeable terms.

    Kwizerabella, it's not like the idea you're presenting is an original one. You should never have to justify your writing by saying: well, it'll get better later. That is NOT the way to approach a college admissions essay. Even if the remainder of your essay is phenomenal, its reader will already be biased against you.
  • neo-nietzscheneo-nietzsche Registered User Posts: 127 Junior Member
    Kwizerabella...I think for the adcom, if the start of your essay is interesting, then probably chances your essay being "properly read" is higher....so the very 1st line of your essay plays the major role...Instead of going on to define race at the start why dont you say something like, what you already mentioned "When it is time for any standardized test I can’t find my category. There is a catagory for African American whose original line is linked with African race, but for African race itself, there is no category as such."..........Something like this would better work at the begining..
  • Gryffon5147Gryffon5147 Registered User Posts: 3,765 Senior Member
    Sounds like my style of writing... textbook style.
  • adamonkey2adamonkey2 Registered User Posts: 398 Member
    actually i think it's pretty good
    maturity is very important in an essay.

    as long as you reveal much more about yourself in the other paragraphs
    although you should recapture the reader's attention after the first para... i start getting bored....
  • entomomentomom Registered User Posts: 23,662 Senior Member
    Latinos/Hispanics were not always considered a distinct race, this "new category" had to be created more recently.

    This statement is not correct, Hispanic/Latino is an ethnic, not a racial category. Hispanics can be of any race. See the US Census Bureau definition:

    Persons of Hispanic or Latino origin, percent, 2000
  • ShizzleShizzle Registered User Posts: 1,332 Senior Member
    The first sentence should be about you. The rest is fine.
  • zam614zam614 Registered User Posts: 325 Junior Member
    I think neo's advice is great, especially regarding your first line... His/her example seems great..

    Also, don't say "Irish people"... just say "the Irish". Don't say "Latinos/Hispanics".. pick one.. and in the same sentence, the comma should be a semicolon (not trying to be overcritical "/)

    You say "some people" twice in the same sentence. Cut one. And I agree with the others in that it seems "textbook-y"... Begin with a sentence related to you (like the one neo-nietzsche mentioned) and then relate it to the general theme of race..

    Best of luck..

    Also, in regards to Don't Panic's comment, I don't think that a personal statement should just be about you directly like a laundry list of your accomplisments... In mine, I picked one significant event in my life and showed how it changed me and how it affected what I decided to do with the rest of my high school life... In essence, I think you should spread out beyond yourself, but still make yourself the main topic (if that makes sense)...
This discussion has been closed.